Category Archives: Mayan Calendar Countdown

Survivalist Tip: Buy several pairs of sturdy work boots – the kind with thick soles that reach up above your ankle and have alloy-enforced toe fronts.  You might have to hike long distances across rough terrain after the apocalypse, so you need decent, stable footwear that’s comfortable, yet water and soil-resistant.  Forget your designer cowboy boots and running shoes!  I don’t care how much money you spent on them.  They’re too wimpy compared to good old fashioned construction and military-type work boots.  Besides, with that alloy toe, you can easily disable an uncooperative member of your flock with a swift kick to the crotch or the butt.  And, the heavy material means none of their nasty body fluids will seep through to your skin.  I can vouch for this.  I can’t tell you the number of times I had to incapacitate some drunkard who made a pass at me at a bar.  Well, I could by counting the police reports, but I don’t have time right now.  I have to polish off my boots.

Survivalist Tip: Stockpile spices.  I’m not talking ginger and nutmeg!  I mean real Native American spices like juniper berry, vanilla, red chili peppers and peyoté.  These are indigenous to North America, and the native peoples utilized them both for food flavoring and as elements in their religious ceremonies.  Possession of these items will safeguard your passage across the barren wastelands of the apocalypse.  The Mayan spirits will look kindly upon you and your loved ones.  Besides, these spices are good for body and mind.  The vanilla will blot out the bad taste of the food rations you might have to consume for a while; the red chili peppers will ease any nasal congestion you might develop inhaling the fumes of all the dead bodies; and the peyoté will eliminate any remnants of your life B.A. (Before the Apocalypse).  Trust me!  I wouldn’t be passing on this advice if I hadn’t already experimented.

Survivalist Tip: If you live near the ocean, buy a large boat.  Not a raft, a canoe, or one of those inflatable things – an actual boat!  Predictions are that, with the onslaught of the apocalypse, the seas will rise dramatically and inundate coastal areas; thus a boat will come in handy.  If your neighbors laugh at you, just remind them that people laughed at Noah.  If they don’t believe in the story of Noah, mention global warming.  If they don’t believe in global warming, it’s probably best if they drown.  They’ll just take up too much room on your boat anyway.

Survivalist Tip: Collect large bags of pure salt to fight off zombies.  Many apocalypse survivors will be zombified in the aftermath.  Roman Catholics, Orthodox Jews, Fundamentalist Muslims and most residents of East Texas are particularly vulnerable to this phenomenon.  Mormons won’t survive the fury, so you won’t have to worry about them.  Zombies are defenseless against a barrage of sodium granules.  Just make sure there’s no wind blowing in your direction when you hurl the salt into their faces.  Otherwise it’ll blind you, and the zombies will take that as an invitation to dinner.

Survivalist Tip: As December 21^st approaches, begin stockpiling chocolate.  It’s well-documented that chocolate was – and still is – a food of the Mayan deities.  It was reserved strictly for Mayan royalty who would use chocolate in various ceremonial practices.  They even created chocolate enemas!  And, as a result, they were able to chart stars in the night skies and develop complicated math formulas.  But, chocolate isn’t just a comfort food; it’s a top antioxidant.  Loaded with caffeine, it’s also a good source of energy, which will help you on those long treks across barren wastelands.  And, if any member of your posse gets out of hand, just ram a chocolate bar up their ass.

Survivalist Tip: Buy a compass.  According to some predictions, the Earth’s magnetic fields will make a gigantic somersault on December 21^st – which means North will become South, up will become down, gift cards will convert to cash, etc.  A compass, therefore, will help you keep things straightened out.  If you’re a homosexual, don’t get offended; it’s just a figure of speech.  If you’re bisexual, I guess you’re only half-way offended, but I still don’t care.  If you don’t know what you are, just drink some wine and buy a damn compass anyway!  You’re running out of time, bitch!

Survivalist Tip: If you own a house, buy a donkey or a mule – preferably one that’s already been weaned – and keep it in your back yard to raise.  These animals may be stubborn (which is why Mexicans can identify with them), but they’re also very strong.  They can carry all your survivalist gear over long distances, especially water, food rations and beer.  They’ll be helpful when you have to navigate rough terrain and climb over the mounds of fat people who killed each other fighting for the last bag of chips.

Survivalist Tip: Invest in some gold – mainly gold coins and bars.  Gold is a universal form of currency; so even in the aftermath, you can use it as a bargaining tool.  Also remember the Mayans used gold like most of us use Kleenex.  Besides, you can use a gold bar to knock out an uncooperative member of your posse.

Survivalist Tip: Don’t get rid of your pets – especially dogs!  They’ll keep you company, help you search for food, warn you that strangers are nearby and remind you that it’s okay to lick your crotch in public.  I mean, in a barren wasteland, who’ll care about that!

As of February 4, 2012, there are 320 days until December 21, 2012; the day in which the world will enter Baktun 12.  That’s when our present universe will implode, self-destruct, annihilate itself – which may not be a bad thing if you’ve watched network television lately.  To heighten the suspense and feed the paranoid – er – concerned masses, I present this daily ‘Mayan Countdown Calendar’ for your reference, complete with helpful hints to help you survive in the traumatic aftermath.

Survivalist Tip:  In the event someone besides you lives through the apocalypse, make certain you’ve shredded all documents bearing your name, birth date, social security number and underwear sizes.  Even in the aftermath, you still don’t want to deal with something as petty as identify theft.  It’ll hamper your search for food, water and any leftover Xanax.