Monthly Archives: May 2013

Tingled to Death


Mixed martial arts fighter Michael Waylon Lowe is suing a Philadelphia sex shop for selling him a lovemaking lubricant that he claims damaged his penis.  The Mood shop declares the Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel will prolong a man’s sexual pleasure.  But, according to Lowe, the green gel didn’t exactly leave him with that minty fresh feeling; instead, burning and scarring his genitalia so badly he is now disfigured and dysfunctional.  Lowe is seeking $50,000 in damages in his suit against both the store and the manufacturer, Kama Sutra Inc.

“This is a very private, but very significant loss for a man who is very vital in so many other aspects,” said Lowe’s attorney, Thomas R. Kline.  “This is a man who literally makes his living avoiding injury; he knows how to protect himself.  Yet he wasn’t provided with the most basic, simple instructions to protect himself from this product.  If it could happen to him, it could happen to anyone.”

Marla Lee, president of Kama Sutra Inc., calls the allegations “flabbergasting.”  Lee emphasizes, “This product has been offered for over 40 years without incident of any kind, so it’s a bit confusing that he would have this kind of response to it.  The active ingredient [benzocaine] is quite common.  It’s used in children’s teething products, so it’s probably pretty safe if it’s used for children.”

I never realized a substance that tempers teething pain in toddlers is also used to prevent premature ejaculation.  I mean, where was the FDA during all this?

The 32-year-old Lowe has a 14-4 record in his professional mixed martial arts career with the Ultimate Fighting Championship and other venues.  The lawsuit specifically notes that Lowe suffered “catastrophic and permanent damage,” including penile scarring; loss of sensation and function; nerve and tissue damage; humiliation and embarrassment.  No word on whether it also caused halitosis for his girlfriend.

Lowe should just do what I do: grab a bottle of baby oil and a pack of wine coolers and you’re set for the night.

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Help Wanted

Stuart Carlson 052213

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May 31, 2013 · 11:05 PM

Nothing Wrong Here

This Cheerios commercial with a young biracial girl discussing the cereal with her White mother and Black father generated so much negative feedback General Mills disabled comments on its web site.  But, according to Camille Gibson, vice-president of marketing for General Mills, responses have been overwhelmingly positive.  “At Cheerios, we know there are many kinds of families and we celebrate them all,” added Gibson.

Some Americans just can’t get over the Black / White thing.


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Seeing Things


“Practicing yoga brings evil as does reading Harry Potter.  They may both seem innocuous but they both deal with magic and that leads to evil.  People think it is an innocuous book for children but it’s about magic and that leads to evil.  In Harry Potter the Devil is at work in a cunning and crafty way, he is using his extraordinary powers of magic and evil.  Satan is always hidden and the thing he desires more than anything is for people to believe he does not exist.”

Father Gabriele Amorth, the Roman Catholic Church’s “top exorcist” who claims he’s sent 160,000 demons back to hell.


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Just Shoot Back


“A new American revolution is long overdue.  This revolution has been brewing in the hearts and minds of the people for many years, but this Independence Day, it shall take a new form as the American Revolutionary Army will march on each state capital to demand that the governors of these 50 states immediately initiate the process of an orderly dissolution of the federal government through secession and reclamation of federally held property.  Should one whole year from this July 4th pass while the crimes of this government are allowed to continue, we may have passed the point at which non-violent revolution becomes impossible.”

Adam Kokesh, the mentally-challenged organizer of a planned July 4 march on Washington in favor of gun rights.  Kokesh has compared himself to Mahatma Gandhi.


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Nails and Superglue Needed


“I think they ought to put a sign on the national committee doors that says ‘closed for repairs’ until New Year’s Day next year and spend that time going over ideas and positive agendas.”

– Former Sen. Bob Dole, in a discussion with FOX News’ Chris Wallace, about the Republican National Party.  Dole went on to say neither he nor the late Ronald Reagan would stand a chance in the now-extremist GOP.

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Happy Birthday Clint Eastwood!


Born in San Francisco on May 31, 1930, Clint Eastwood stands out as one of the best actors and film directors; a true American original.  He began his acting career in 1955 with uncredited bit parts in such cinematic gems as “Revenge of the Creature.”  He first achieved some measure of fame in the TV western “Rawhide,” but he gained even greater popularity in the 1960s with the “spaghetti westerns” (so called because they were filmed in Italy).  Who can forget “A Fistful of Dollars” or “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly?”  In the 1970s, he further cemented his stardom with the “Dirty Harry” series.  I’ll forgive his bizarre performance during last year’s Republican National Convention because he’s more than made up for it with his large body of work.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)


Dirty Harry (1971)


Play Misty for Me (1971)


The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)


Unforgiven (1992)


The Bridges of Madison County (1995)

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Happy Birthday Herman Wouk!


Herman Wouk, author of such literary classic as “The Caine Mutiny,” “The Winds of War,” “War and Remembrance” and “The Lawgiver,” was born May 27, 1915 in New York City.

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Memorial Day 2013


“Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down,
You can stand me up at the gates of hell,
But I won’t back down.

Gonna stand my ground, won’t be turned around,
And I’ll keep this world from draggin’ me down,
Gonna stand my ground and I won’t back down.

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out,
Hey I will stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life,
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around,
But I’ll stand my ground and I won’t back down.

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out,
Hey I will stand my ground,
And I won’t back down.
No, I won’t back down.”

Tom Petty, “I Won’t Back Down.”

Memorial Day

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Happy Birthday Stevie Nicks!


Stevie Nicks born Stephanie Lynn Nicks on May 26, 1948 in Phoenix, Arizona.

Stand Back


Edge of Seventeen


If Anyone Falls


Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around

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