Tingled to Death

Mixed martial arts fighter Michael Waylon Lowe is suing a Philadelphia sex shop for selling him a lovemaking lubricant that he claims damaged his penis.  The Mood shop declares the Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel will prolong a man’s sexual pleasure.  But, according to Lowe, the green gel didn’t exactly leave him with that minty fresh feeling; instead, burning and scarring his genitalia so badly he is now disfigured and dysfunctional.  Lowe is seeking $50,000 in damages in his suit against both the store and the manufacturer, Kama Sutra Inc.

“This is a very private, but very significant loss for a man who is very vital in so many other aspects,” said Lowe’s attorney, Thomas R. Kline.  “This is a man who literally makes his living avoiding injury; he knows how to protect himself.  Yet he wasn’t provided with the most basic, simple instructions to protect himself from this product.  If it could happen to him, it could happen to anyone.”

Marla Lee, president of Kama Sutra Inc., calls the allegations “flabbergasting.”  Lee emphasizes, “This product has been offered for over 40 years without incident of any kind, so it’s a bit confusing that he would have this kind of response to it.  The active ingredient [benzocaine] is quite common.  It’s used in children’s teething products, so it’s probably pretty safe if it’s used for children.”

I never realized a substance that tempers teething pain in toddlers is also used to prevent premature ejaculation.  I mean, where was the FDA during all this?

The 32-year-old Lowe has a 14-4 record in his professional mixed martial arts career with the Ultimate Fighting Championship and other venues.  The lawsuit specifically notes that Lowe suffered “catastrophic and permanent damage,” including penile scarring; loss of sensation and function; nerve and tissue damage; humiliation and embarrassment.  No word on whether it also caused halitosis for his girlfriend.

Lowe should just do what I do: grab a bottle of baby oil and a pack of wine coolers and you’re set for the night.