Monthly Archives: March 2019

Aim

As a freelance technical writer, I’ve learned to consolidate the myriad words people throw at me for their requested project.  It’s a valued – and necessary – attribute, since people are always in such a hurry these days and want quick answers to even the most complex of matters.

For example, a few years ago a client contracted me to develop a troubleshooting guide.  They digitally handed me a slew of documents; literally a mish-mash of typed and handwritten notes about a software upgrade they wanted for their external customers.

“I need as much of this condensed as you possibly can,” the project manager instructed.  The software users were busy people (in the tech world?!) and no one had time to fumble through reams of (digital) paper.  “No pressure,” she added reassuringly.

Of course!  No pressure.  What’s that?  This was a troubleshooting guide, after all – not a historical romance.

Thus, I scrounged through the morass of information for a few days and – as difficult as it was – I actually managed to fit all the verbiage onto one page:

“Aim better.”

Odd, but I haven’t heard from them since.

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Choco-Smarts

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We all know chocolate isn’t just perfect for the proverbial sweet tooth; it also facilitates serotonin production.  Cacao beans are native to the Americas, and the ancient Maya considered them sacred.  So much they even used chocolate enemas.  Yes, that seems strange, but think about it.  Mayans developed the only known writing system in the Western Hemisphere; built massive structures without the use of draft animals or the wheel; and were the first known society to use 0 as a place number.

So, next time you feel life is spinning out of control and you’re losing a grip on reality, just ram a chocolate bar up your ass and you’ll be good to go!

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In the Beginning…

It’s great to know the e-version of my debut novel is now on sale at Wal-Mart – right next to the cheesy romance stuff.  But hey, a writer has to start somewhere, right?!

 

Juan Miguel thought of his great-aunt again and suddenly recollected another death even further back – one of his parents’ friends.  He’d never met the woman, but watched his mother, Marisol, become overwhelmed with grief; an unusually emotional response from a woman who’d driven herself to the hospital during evening rush hour, when she thought she’d gone into labor with him.

She and some other old friends had gathered shortly after the rosary – another long-ass rosary – to reminisce about their younger days and quickly found themselves laughing in the sanctity of the funeral home.

“Like I’ve said before,” his father, Armando, interjected, almost philosophically, “you need to get together.”

And everyone agreed.  They needed to get together; reconvene under more pleasant circumstances and relive the best parts of their lives.  They promised to call each other and do something; have lunch or dinner – anything!  Just stay in touch before it was too late.  Then they left – and his parents never heard from anybody.

Until someone’s name popped up in the obituaries.

 

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Amend This

After more than four decades of watching American politics in action – I’m old enough to remember Watergate – I’ve come to realize the U.S. Constitution is a fluid document.  It’s more of a guide than a text carved into stone or marble.  That’s why it’s been amended 27 times over the past 240 years.  Therefore, as a devoted yet concerned citizen (meaning, pissed off at the crappy way things are going), I propose 3 additional amendments to the U.S. Constitution:

Amendment XXVIII

Note: This Amendment affects Section 1 of the 22nd Amendment.

Section 1: No person shall be elected to the Office of the President more than once, and that term is limited to six (6) consecutive years.

Section 2: If the Vice-President, or any other designated official ascends to the Office of President within one (1) calendar year from the day the originally elected President is sworn in, that person will be able to serve as Chief Executive only for the remainder of that particular term.  That person will not be allowed to seek election as President on their own.

Section 3: If the Vice-President, or any other designated official ascends to the Office of President within no less than one (1) calendar year and one (1) calendar day from the day the originally elected President is sworn in, that person will be able to serve as Chief Executive only for the remainder of that particular term.  That person will then be allowed to seek election as President on their own for only one term of six (6) consecutive years.  Therefore, the longest any one individual can serve as Chief Executive is one (1) calendar day short of eight (8) consecutive years.

 

Amendment XXVIIII

Section 1:  All candidates for the Office of President who enter the first primary in their respective field will be subjected to a mandatory physical exam by an independent, non-partisan medical professional selected by the current Surgeon General.  The results of this exam will be made public no more than one (1) calendar day after that initial primary election.

Section 2:  All candidates for the Office of President who enter the first primary in their respective field will be subjected to a mandatory psychological exam by an independent, non-partisan medical professional selected by the current Surgeon General.  The results of this exam will be made public no more than one (1) calendar day after that initial primary election.

 

Amendment XXX

Candidates for the Office of President must submit their financial records, including tax filings, to both Houses of the U.S. Congress within ninety (90) calendar days from the day they announce their candidacy.  Failure to comply within the allotted period will result in automatic disqualification from the election process.  That person will not be allowed to resume their candidacy, but will be allowed to seek the Office of President for the next appropriate election.  That person will then be subjected to the same protocol set forth in this Amendment.  Failure to comply within the allotted period for a second time will result in both automatic disqualification from the current election process and forbiddance from seeking the Office of President or the Office of Vice-President at any time in the future.

 

Please let me know what you folks think!  We, the People, must take more and better control of our nation’s leadership – just as our Founding Fathers (and Mothers) intended.

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