Steamed

As competition for the never-ending Darwin Awards heats up, we have a new entrant from Canada.  An unidentified 62-year-old woman apparently decided to try the new trend of “vaginal steaming”; whereupon the participant sits over a steaming-hot bowl of water mixed with herbs to provide intense thermal pelvic cleaning for the female of our species.  I can only assume this new-age ritual is meant to expunge the feminine soul of various and sundry evils: bacteria, unhealthy enzymes and memories of yoga gone wrong.  But gynecologists warn that “v-steaming” – their term, not mine – is not necessarily healthy and actually is potentially dangerous.

“The vagina contains good bacteria, which are there to protect it,” says Dr. Vanessa Mackay, a spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists in the United Kingdom.

Moreover, the victim in this case ended up at a local emergency room with second-degree burns to her cervix and vaginal membranes, according to a report from the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the University of Calgary.  No word on if she drove herself there, or had to be airlifted.  The report also indicates this is the first documented incident of burns incurred by v-steaming.

And you, dear readers, thought only men did stupid shit to their nether regions!  Either way, this gives new meaning to the term “burning bush”.

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Now Ear This!

The one curious thing about friendships is that you never know where they’re going to go.  Really good friends will understand and maybe even empathize with your mood swings.  Of course, that term – “really good” – is always subjective.

Several years ago I got into a heated argument with a so-called friend.  I can’t remember what it was about, but I so mad I wanted to rip his ears off and stick them up his ass, just so he could hear me beat the shit out of him!

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Screaming Match

Curators at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta, Georgia have developed a new app called “Heartmatch” where visitors can learn what historical painting best represents them.  I thought, what the hell; it looks like good fun.  So, I tried it and got this:

Now I know why I didn’t get my first computer until May of 2000 and my first cell phone until October of 2001.  BECAUSE ME AND TECHNOLOGY NEVER HAVE BEEN SYMBIOTIC!

I guess I’ll just resort to finding my “heart match” the old-fashioned way: bars, truck stops and porn videos.

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Worst Quote of the Week – August 16, 2019

“What if we went back through all the family trees and just pulled those people out that were products of rape and incest?  Would there be any population of the world left if we did that?  Considering all the wars and all the rapes and pillages taken place and whatever happened to culture after society?  I know I can’t certify that I’m not a part of a product of that.”

U.S. Congressman Steve King at the Westside Conservative Club in Urbandale, Iowa, on August 14; defending his position of not allowing exceptions for rape and incest in anti-abortion legislation he tried to pass in Congress.

This is what happens when people attend a family reunion to meet their ideal mate.

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Best Quote of the Week – August 16, 2019

“We’re open for business, not for sale.”

– Ane Lone Bagger, Foreign Minister of Greenland, in a terse, but well-worded response to Pseudo-President Donald Trump’s suggestion the U.S. purchase the Danish island territory.

Image courtesy Astalor/Getty Images – Rodebay, Greenland.

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Stiff Competition

Another candidate for the Darwin Awards has surfaced in Berlin.  Danny Polaris thought he’d make a recent night out one he wouldn’t forget.  So took a Viagra and, after an evening of partying, went home with a nurse he met out at some club (I suspect).  There, his new “friend” decided to up the excitement and inject Danny’s penis with some kind of still-unknown “stimulant”.  Polaris says he felt fine – until a few days later when he realized he’d developed a painful condition called priapism.  This is one of the unspoken medical anomalies that urologists and the Roman Catholic Church have warned men about for years.

As of August 11, Polaris is still in the hospital, still applying ice packs to his genitalia, reading the Bible, listening to tapes of old women talking about the “not so fresh feeling” and avoiding the Cartoon Network.  No relief appears in sight.  He seems to have no shame in going public with his ordeal and has even detailed his trauma on Instagram.  Friends have also set up a page on the Go Fund Me network to help pay for his treatment and rehabilitation.  I really don’t want to know what “rehabilitation” would mean in this case.

All I can say now is just don’t ask him what’s up!

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We Are Lesion!

I had a doctor’s appointment the first of August to have some blood drawn for various tests, such as if I’m still alive and if the back pain I’ve been experiencing for more than 30 years is actually my parasitic twin wanting out of my ass.  I asked him about what I thought was a mole on my upper back.  Turns out it was a wart!  In fact, I had 2 of them!  I told him he could just snip them off and plaster a bandage over them, but he selected to freeze them off.  Either way, sometimes I love it, when it hurts!

I know my body and mind have been trying to break free and lead lives of their own.  And, like luggage and herpes, I’m just stuck with the fuckers forever.  But I was totally surprised this time.  Warts?!  Last time I had warts, at least dinner and drinks came first!

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