Survivalist Tip: Yesterday I discussed how to cook a fish on a rock. This, of course, would require that you start a fire in a pit. But, I need to explain exactly how to build a fire from scratch. (I know this is going backwards, but since I was a breach baby, there’s a method to my madness.) Whether you plan to stay at home, or hike into the hinterlands when the apocalypse hits, building a fire literally from the ground up is an essential skill. Outdoor enthusiasts will know what I’m talking about. But, even if you’re at home, there’s a good chance the power will go out, as the Earth’s axes start shifting; something utility companies aren’t equipped to handle, despite all the extra fees they tack onto your monthly bill.
If you’re at home, make sure you have a healthy supply of firewood. A number of other items, however, make good kindling: shrubbery, grass, hay, telephone books, newspapers, old clothes, pictures of your ex and tax forms. Bibles, Torahs and Qurans are also great fuel, and since the Mayan gods will have no use for them, neither should you. Second, make certain you also have a good supply of matches, lighters and / or a magnifying glass. Keep these latter items in a safe dry place.
If the power does go out in your house, or you’re in the outdoors anyway, you’ll have to resort to the campfire technique. Dig a large hole or depression into the ground. Then, pile all that material into the pit. Aside from the matches and lighters, here are other options for creating a fire:
Use a magnifying glass. Hold the glass over the ignitable material and in front of the sun, so that a small bright dot will appear on it. This takes a while, but be patient. You won’t be cooking cheese fries anyway.
If the sky is cloudy, you can start a fire with sticks. Just be sure the kindling is dry.
First, make a bow, using slightly bendable wood. You’ll be putting a lot of pressure on the bow, and dead wood is more likely to break than similarly sized green wood. Use as thin a piece of wood as you can so the bow will be as light as possible. A lighter bow is easier to control and takes less strength to push back and forth. However, it has to be stiff enough to not bend when you’re using it. The bow doesn’t actually have to have much of a curve to it. Use a shoelace, drawstring, small rope or whatever cordage you can find. Leave a little slack in the cord so that you can twist the drill into the bow. Once the drill is in the bow, the tension should be nice and firm.
Make a fireboard. The fireboard and the drill both need to be made from light, dry, non-resinous wood. The best wood for this won’t have any sap and will be light and soft enough to easily dent with your thumbnail without gouging. Shape whatever wood you choose into a piece about an inch thick, 2-3 inches across and at least 12 inches long. Set it aside for now.
Make a drill. Your drill should be made of harder wood than the fireboard. Poplar and maple are good woods for this. Try to find the straightest piece of wood possible. (If you’re a homosexual male, this should be easy. If you’re of the lesbitarian faith, this may be the worst day of your life, but deal with it!)
Find or make a socket. A socket can be made of bone, wood, or rock. Look for a rock with a smooth dimple in it. The ideal rock is fist-sized with a deep dimple and smooth sides. If you can’t find a rock, the easiest socket to make is of wood. Either the rock or the piece of wood should be small enough for you to hold in your hand, but not too small. If you can’t find either a suitable rock or a piece of wood, use the head of the most uncooperative member of your posse. Put the fireboard on the ground.
Put your left foot on the fireboard. The arch of your foot (not the ball or the heel) should be over the fireboard.
Drop to your right knee – as if you’re going to make a sacrifice to the Mayan gods.
Hold the bow in your right hand and the drill in your left.
Put the drill on top of the string with the pencil-sharp end pointing right, and twist it into the bow.
Put the blunt end of the drill on the crater and put the socket on the drill.
Grab as close to the end of the bow as you can. Put some downward pressure on the socket and start to pull back and forth on the bow. It’s a delicate balance between putting too much and not enough pressure on the drill and having the bow string too tight and not tight enough.
Saw back and forth with the bow faster and faster, and put more pressure on the socket. Eventually, some black powder and smoke will form around the bottom of the drill. (Former Catholics will recognize this scene from Easter services. Recovering Jews will recognize it from circumcisions, and former Muslims will recognize it from the times they burned the American flag.) Either way, stop and pick up the fireboard.
Begin blowing softly through the bundle, while gently squeezing the tinder around the coal. And then, you will have fire!
This will definitely keep you warm, if you’re outside. But, fire will also ward off any unsavory characters who managed to survive the upheaval, such as celebrities or politicians. Besides, it’s a great way to make hot chocolate and cook that fish.
Chief Writing Wolf 