Tag Archives: 2012

Survivalist Tip:  If you have a home and a vehicle, you should have at least 1 gas can readily available, in the event you have to evacuate.  There’s a likelihood power will be out when the axes shift, so gas stations may not be functioning completely.  You can take a chance and try to suck some gasoline out of a fuel hose.  But, not only is that uncouth, it’s a good way to catch germs and viruses, such as flu, Ebola and gingivitis.  Gas cans are relatively inexpensive and can be purchased at any retail outlet.  Here’s a basic checklist: 

• Get one made of metal; it’s less likely to rupture should you have an accident or have to use it as a defense weapon.
• Make certain it’s self-ventilating, which means it has a feature in the spout that keeps out air as you pour the gasoline.
• Make certain the cap seals firmly once you fill it up with gasoline.
• Don’t fill the can up to the top.  If it gets hot somehow, pressure can build up and cause it to explode.
• The gas can should be spill-proof and over-fill protected, which means it has a feature that prevents spilling when the can tips over.
• The can should be child-proof.  If any kids in your group reach for the gas can, threaten either to take away their chocolate, or leave them on the side of the road for zombies to get them.
• If you have to travel somewhere with the gas can, secure it to the inside of the vehicle.  Attaching it to the roof with duct tape doesn’t qualify as secure.

Gasoline is highly flammable and therefore, very dangerous.  Responsible gas users know how to deal with the liquid, even under the worst of circumstances.  Proper gasoline use will prove to the Mayan deities that you care about the environment.  Amidst the chaos, the last thing you want is a reputation for spreading your gas all over the place!

Survivalist Tip:  Aside from tires, perhaps the most important feature of your vehicle is the engine.  A vehicle without a fully-functioning engine is like a microwave oven without a key panel – what good is it?  As with the battery and tires, you need to care for your vehicle’s engine through preventative maintenance.  Here’s a basic checklist: 

• Keep the air filter clean
• Change the oil regularly, at least every 6 months
• Check the spark plugs
• Check the coolant / anti-freeze fluid
• Add a bottle of gasoline treatment every time you fill up the tank

It’s not that time-consuming, but it is really that simple and absolutely necessary.  If you have to evacuate your home, a well-maintained engine will help you escape, traverse the barren wasteland, climb over dead bodies and ultimately make it to somewhere safe.  Besides, the power from a fully-functioning engine will help you crash through a phalanx of celebrities trying to steal your vehicle and your chocolate.

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I discussed the importance of maintaining the integrity of the tires on your vehicle.  In the event you should have to change a tire, of course, you’ll a tire jack.  And, just like a vehicle without good tires, a vehicle without a solid car jack is akin to eating pizza with low-fat cheese.  Why bother?  Your vehicle should come equipped with a tire jack.  If it doesn’t, you got jacked (pun intended) and need to buy one.  It’s bad enough changing a flat or disintegrated tire; changing one in the midst of the chaos at the start of the new Baktun will be especially hazardous.  Regardless, safety is important.  So, while a member of your posse stands nearby with a shotgun to fight off any politicians, reality TV show stars, or other lower-than-pond-scum forms of life that might survive, here are some safety tips for operating a basic tire jack. 

1. Most tire jacks are hand-operated, scissor types that fold up and fit neatly beneath the front seat.  Others are hydraulic, lever-operated.  Although they’re more expensive, I recommend purchasing a hydraulic jack.  You don’t want to expend too much energy pumping a hand-operated one.  You’ll have enough trouble keeping the kids and pets under control.
2. Sometime before December 21, do a test run of your jack to make certain that it functions properly and that you know what you’re doing.  This includes making certain all of the jack’s parts are thoroughly lubricated.  Using your vehicle owner’s manual, learn to identify the crank, ratchet or lever.  (If you’re getting sexually aroused at this point, you’re losing focus and probably will die when the apocalypse hits.)
3. Make certain the vehicle is on a relatively flat surface, away from traffic.
4. Shift automatic vehicles into park.  Shift manual vehicles into reverse or first gear.  Engage the emergency brake.
5. Immobilize the vehicle, either with a brick, a steel wedge, or the head of the most uncooperative member of your group.
6. Place the jack base flat on firm ground.  Find the part of the jack that connects to the vehicle’s frame.  This part is flat and usually circular-shaped.  The area beneath the vehicle where it fits is often an indentation that is slightly larger than the jack part.  In other vehicles, it’s just a large equally flat part of the undercarriage.  (If you’re confused, take a deep breath and get hold of yourself.)
7. After the vehicle is lifted a few inches, remove the wheel cover and loosen the lug nuts.  After lifting it a few more inches, remove the bad tire and replace it with the spare.  Replace the lug nuts and tighten them securely.  Trying to loosen or tighten lug nuts manually is the most strenuous part of changing a tire, so I recommend buying a battery-operated lug nut tool.
8. Lower the vehicle back to the ground and store the jack properly.

As I’ve stated several times before, your vehicle may be your life line away from danger or greedy in-laws.  A tire jack is just one of the many assets to ensure a safe drive.  Besides, it makes a great disciplinary tool for anyone in your crew who gets out of line.

Survivalist Tip:  Among all the important features of your vehicle, a good set of tires can’t be emphasized enough.  A vehicle without tires is like non-alcoholic beer.  Why bother?  Tires aren’t just for football practices, UFC training regimens, or hillbilly swing sets.  As December 21 approaches, you have to make certain your vehicle’s tires are in good shape.  Here’s a basic check list. 

1. In the U.S., tires must meet standards of tread wear, traction and temperature resistance.  A tread wear rating of 500 – 7oo is very good; 300 – 400 is good; 200 is average; below 200 is dangerous.  Traction grades extend from AA, A, B and C; highest to lowest.  This represents the tire’s ability to stop on wet pavement.  Temperature grades – from A to C – represent the tire’s resistance to the generation of heat.  (Don’t confuse these ratings with bra cup sizes, which have nothing to do with survivalism.) 
2. Tires also need to be properly inflated.  Tire inflation is measured according to pounds per square inch, or PSI, and is directly related to the tire’s diameter.  Tires of 25” to 30” in diameter should have PSI of 32.  Those with worn tread are more likely to be seriously underinflated.  Underinflated tires cost you gas mileage, since they make the engine work harder.  They can also be a safety hazard.  If you have to evacuate your home during the apocalypse, or if you’ll be on the road anyway, the last thing you want is a blowout along the barren wasteland.  That makes you vulnerable to attacks from zombies, wild cats and any hip-hop stars that might still be around. 
3. You also need to have at least one spare tire.  The spare shouldn’t be one of those pathetic donut types.  That’s so 20^th century.  A spare should be a full-size tire.  The same standards for the regular tires apply to the spare. 

There’s no getting around good tire maintenance.  Being a responsible vehicle owner is like being a responsible gun owner.  You don’t want to be careless, or someone could get hurt.  And, in the immediate aftermath of the upheaval, there will be plenty of chances for people to get hurt.  You just don’t want to be on the receiving end of it!

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I mentioned the need to maintain the integrity of your vehicle’s battery, even if hope to remain at home during the apocalypse.  But, as a precaution, you also need to have a set of jumper cables on hand.  This assumes, of course, that your vehicle’s battery malfunctions and that another vehicle is nearby.  For the latter, you’ll have to rely upon someone else, such as a friendly neighbor, or a noble stranger.  If you’re lucky, you might encounter an abandoned, but still fully-functioning vehicle during your flight to safety.  All of these scenarios, however, go against the basic creed of survivalism, which is that you depend upon yourself instead of someone else or a government agency.  That can be easily resolved with a battery-operated generator, which I also previously mentioned should be a tool in your gallery of supplies.  Carting such a heavy object along as you evacuate may seem impractical.  But, considering the outrageous alternative scenario: you’ll stumble upon a kindly IRS agent. 

1. You have to familiarize yourself with the positive and negative terminals of the vehicle battery.  This shouldn’t be too difficult, since they’re plainly marked with a + (for positive) and a – (for negative). 
2. If you have to jump-start the battery, clean off any corrosion around the terminals. 
3. Familiarize yourself with the jumper cables themselves.  Usually, the positive cable is red or orange, and the negative one is black. 
4. Connect one end of the positive cable to the dead battery and the other end to the good battery, or better yet, your generator. 
5. Connect one end of the negative cable to the good battery, or the generator, but connect the other end to a metal part of the engine on your vehicle.  Do NOT connect this other end of the negative cable to the dead battery, or it could explode.  And, with all the drama you’ll have to endure from the screaming members of your posse, you don’t need to add to it.  Actually, any metal object will do, such as a metal railing, or a prosthetic leg.  On this step, you’ll generate a normal spark, as you connect to the ground and complete the circuit. 
6. Start the other vehicle, or the generator. 
7. Turn the ignition on your vehicle, while pumping the gas pedal slowly.  At this point, if all turns out well, your vehicle’s engine will come back to life.

Keep in mind this is a worst case scenario.  You have to make certain your vehicle’s battery is in good functioning order in the first place because the last thing you want to do in the chaos of the upheaval is hope someone will help you out.  The Mayan gods don’t look kindly upon people who are too stupid to prepare for things.

Survivalist Tip:  Whether you hope to remain in your home at the start of the new Baktun, or flee somewhere, you need to make certain your battery vehicle is in good functioning order.  Hopefully, you’ll have bought a heavy duty truck or SUV by then, so this piece of advice focuses mainly on batteries for those types of vehicles. 

1) Get a dry-cell battery.  A water-based battery will be more problematic.  If you’re traveling long distances, for example, a wet-cell battery eventually will require more water.  You don’t want to spend what precious bottled water resources you have in your supply to refresh the vehicle battery.  If you’re not modest, however, you can urinate into the cells of a wet-cell battery, but that will leave you extremely vulnerable and could lead to arguments with the more uptight members of your posse, which then could lead to you expending much-needed energy to beat the crap out of that person or persons. 

2) Check for and, if necessary, remove any corrosion, lead oxidation, paint or rust with a brass wire battery brush from the battery on December 20.  Pubic hair is a good substitute for a wire brush, especially if it’s from someone over age 45. 

3) To prevent any further corrosion, thinly coat the battery’s terminals, posts, terminal clamps, lugs and exposed metal around the battery with high temperature and water resistant grease.  Petroleum jelly isn’t recommended because that’s for sexual acts performed by low-class people, and you definitely don’t want to be in that same category. 

4) Test the battery by attaching it to a voltage counter.  If you don’t have a voltage counter, then buy one!  Don’t try to substitute it with something like a microwave oven.  A good count will be at least 100 amp hours.  If you don’t know what that means, then you shouldn’t own a vehicle in the first place! 

5) As a precaution, you need to purchase at least one extra battery.  If you have to evacuate your home, you never know how far you may have to travel, or how many piles of dead bodies your vehicle will have to climb over. 

Even with power utilities out of service, your vehicle battery shouldn’t be affected.  Battery maintenance is necessary no matter what the calendar says.  It’ll be critical during the initial phase of the upheaval.  You’ll need lots of power to run away from politicians, zombies and other varmints that might survive.

Survivalist Tip:  Whether you plan to stay in your home during the apocalypse, or flee somewhere you think is safe, you need to have an all-encompassing tool box among your supplies.  A good one is made from aluminum or steel.  It’s not easily damaged if you drop it, or smack some idiot upside the head with it.  A complete tool box features the usual items: 

• hammer
• screwdriver
• tape measure
• pliers
• duct tape
• black electrician’s tape
• wire cutters
• markers
• assorted nails
• assorted screws
• various size batteries 

But, it also should contain:

• drill (battery-operated)
• blue painter’s tape
• flashlight
• wrench
• work gloves
• safety goggles
• hacksaw
• utility knife
• vice grips
• chisel
• staple gun
• small wrecking bar
• chocolate
• antacids

 Whether you have mechanical difficulties with your vehicle, need to build an impromptu outdoor shelter, make a quick home repair, or give your bratty kids something to hold onto to stop them from being so bratty, a well-stocked tool box will help you get through the initial chaos at the start of the next Baktun.  The ancient Mayans always kept their tools organized and in one place.  What else do you think explains why their temples have survived for the past 2,000 years, while your cable keeps going out?

Survivalist Tip:  If you have a pickup truck like me, consider buying a camper for it.  This is mainly for those who are certain they might have to flee their home when the apocalypse hits.  A hard-shell camper will protect your gear and supplies from wind, rain and any zombies, hip-hop artists or IRS agents that might survive the initial upheaval.  A good one will cost about $500 and it should be made of heavy duty fabric and be easy to install.  As you traverse the barren wasteland, you can be assured that your food, water and chocolate will be safe for a long time.

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I mentioned the importance of a tornado preparation kit in your arsenal of supplies.  But, it’s also important that you be able to recognize the actual signs of an approaching or pending tornado.  It’s obvious, if you’re outside on a jog, or in the yard planting azaleas, when some heavy winds suddenly come along and start sucking up stuff that you’re in the midst of a tornadic event and need to seek shelter immediately.  “The Wizard of Oz” is just a movie and doesn’t reflect the reality that you’ll get scooped up into a tornado and then safely dropped onto the ground.  It’s a more likely scenario that you’ll end up like that witch who got her ass flattened by the house.

Many people rely on their local TV and radio stations to tell them exactly when and where a tornado will hit.  That’s like relying upon the Audubon Society to tell you when a bird is going to crap on your head.  These people are what are commonly known as idiots.  They depend too much on technology and the government to make their lives comfortable and keep them safe.  They most likely will die in the apocalypse, which won’t necessarily be a bad thing.  The fewer stupid people around, the better the “New Universe” will be.  Besides, it’ll leave more chocolate for you and your loved ones.  More importantly, the probable shift in the Earth’s axes could spawn a plethora of tornadoes and hurricanes and knock out power utilities at the same time. 

I’m sure you already know that clouds filled with precipitation are dark blue in color.  If you didn’t know that, you’ve spent too much time watching TV or playing video games.  Tornado-bearing clouds are often anvil-shaped, and the actual twister drops down from the narrow point of that anvil formation.  If you don’t know what an anvil is, then – again – there’s not much hope for you. 

Many changes also take place in the atmosphere.  Before the tornado-bearing clouds form, the sky often acquires a lime green color.  Aside from a tie I wear on St. Patrick’s Day and freshly cut grass, the only lime green I like is mixed with Bacardi and Coke.  But, as the tornadic-type clouds come closer, the sky grows darker, almost black.  A black sky usually means it’s nighttime, but if it’s in the middle of the day, trouble is brewing above. 

Here are a few other signs of an approaching tornado, or tornado-bearing cloud: 

• Strong, persistent rotation in a cloud.
• Whirling dust or debris on the ground under a cloud base – this may indicate a tornado funnel that is still inside the cloud.
• Hail or heavy rain followed by either dead calm or a fast, intense wind shift. Many tornadoes are wrapped in heavy precipitation and can’t be seen.
• Loud, continuous roar or rumble, which doesn’t fade in a few seconds like thunder. A tornado also may sound like a waterfall, trains, or jets.
• Small, bright, blue-green to white flashes at ground level near a thunderstorm at night, as opposed to lightning flashes or strikes. These mean power lines are being snapped by very strong winds, which may be a tornado.
• Clouds moving overhead very rapidly.
• Debris falling from the sky; this is a really big sign of an approaching tornado.

Remember, tornadoes form in North America more than anywhere else on Earth, and Indigenous Americans lived with them for thousands of years.  They learned to recognize the warning signs of an approaching storm and move into their stone and concrete homes.  No, they didn’t all live in teepees!  If you believe that, you’ve watched too many damn John Wayne movies.  More importantly, the native peoples respected the wind and rain and realized those elements were masters of the world.  Adopt the same philosophy and you’ll survive nicely into the next Baktun!

Survivalist Tip:  The tornadoes that struck the Dallas / Fort Worth metropolitan area remind me of the importance of creating a tornado survival kit, which is akin to a hurricane survival kit.  Consider that the indigenous peoples of North America have lived with these types of weather phenomenon for thousands of years and you’ll realize how important it is to be prepared for such a disaster.  This is especially important, since there’s a good likelihood the Earth’s axes will shift dramatically, which in turn, could generate plenty of tornadic winds.  The Mayans and other Indigenous Americans respected the power of these storms and never tried to control them like Europeans did.  That explains why so many of the first European-Americans got their asses wiped out by a tornado because they thought it was just a funny-looking cloud.  And, since they’d killed so many Indians, there was usually no one around to say, ‘Hey!  Don’t be a dumb ass!  Get inside your log cabin!’ 

Below is a basic checklist for any decent tornado survival kit.  This may vary on whether or not you’ll be in your home when the apocalypse hits. 

Purchase or find the following items: 

• a generator
• a firearm
• a permanent marker, to print ‘This house insured by Smith & Wesson’ on the outside of your home
• a small radio, preferably self-powered
• a flashlight, preferably self-powered
• a medium sized pack of batteries
• canned food or power bars
• plastic bags
• duct tape
• bicycle or football-type helmets
• rain gear
• rope (mainly to tie down any hysterical member of your crew)
• a hand-powered can opener
• a few small plastic dishes and silverware
• blankets, preferably those made by people like the Navajo or Cherokee
• a phone
• bottles of water
• a first aid kit
• money (preferably small bills)
• a car charger for your cell phone
• any and all prescription medicines, mainly for the hypochondriac in your group
• spare sets of keys to your vehicle and home
• extra changes of clothing for each person in your posse
• any special food or medicine for children
• any special food or medicine for pets
• chocolate

I’ve mentioned most of these items before as necessary in your overall cache of survival gear, but it’s important to emphasize their significance.  And, don’t be a dumb ass when you see a tornado!  RUN!