Tag Archives: 2012

Survivalist Tip:  In previous posts, I discussed how to build a fire, fashion an adjustable pot hanger out of dead wood and cook fish on a rock.  This, of course, is mainly for those who plan to be on foot as the apocalypse hits.  But, these are good skills to know in case you have to evacuate your home and head for the outdoors.  Along with those, you should also learn how to build a small game snare.  Since the beginning of time, humans have used snares to survive in even the most inhospitable environments.  Small game includes rabbits, squirrels and Amazonian tarantulas.  It does not include small dogs, house cats and miniature horses!  If you have any vegetarians in your group, tell them they’re on their own.  Snares are not suitable for capturing apples, potatoes and corn cobs.

The most common type is the “Trigger Spring Snare,” which has 4 components:

1. The Noose (made from some kind of cordage–preferably wire);
2. The 2 Part Trigger (carved from wood);
3. The Leader Line (also made from some kind of cordage);
4. The Engine (typically a bent-over sapling).

The most effective noose material is wire.  There are many different types of wire that will work, but it must be flexible.  Some examples are:

• Twisted copper strands from the inside of a lamp, power cords from toasters, microwave ovens, irons, or heavy-duty vibrators
• Picture hanging wire
• Stripped wire from car or vehicle electrical systems
• Craft wire
• Headphone wire
• Wire from a spiral bound note pad
• Wire reinforced bras (make certain no one is wearing it at the time)
• Wire from inside electronics such as toys, phones and radios

If you don’t have any wire, here are some alternatives:

• The inner strands from 550 Parachute Cord
• Shoe strings
• Dental floss
• Fishing line

The average length of your noose cord needs to be 18-24 inches for most small game animals.  To construct your noose you need to make a small loop in one end about the diameter of a pencil.  With wire you can simple make the loop and twist the wire back on itself several times.  With string, simply fold the end back onto itself and tie an overhand knot to secure the loop.

Run the other end of the cord/wire through the loop to create the noose.  Then, tie the tag end to your trigger.

The trigger consists of 2 parts: the Hook and the base.  Tie the Leader Line to the top of the Hook and then tie the Noose to the bottom of the Hook.  The Engine (typically a bent over sapling) provides tension to the Hook, which is secured under the Base – until an animal disengages it by pulling on the Noose.  (If some unsuspecting fool like a politician or a reality show TV star triggers the noose, don’t be too upset.)  The Leader Line from the Hook to the Engine can be any type of cordage, but it needs to be strong enough to withstand the initial “spring jerk” and then the weight of the suspended (and struggling) animal.

Every environment is different and unique.  There may not be a sapling to bend over along a game trail.  Or, you may be in the middle of a prairie, field, or desert where there are no trees.  If so, you must improvise – use your bow and arrow set to start shooting wild game.  If you don’t have one, then resign yourself to a slow, miserable death and give your pathetic, helpless soul to the Mayan deities!

Survivalist Tip:  For some reason, biologists decided to jump from E to K when naming vitamins.  It’s almost as senseless as the Jewish rite of circumcision, but at least no helpless babies are butchered so their already-overweight grandmothers can have something else to eat.  Vitamin K is known as the clotting vitamin because, without it, well…blood wouldn’t clot.  Vitamin K also helps maintain strong bones in elderly people.  Therefore, it – like all the other vitamins – is a critical piece of your survivalist cache.  It’s found mostly in leafy green vegetables, such as kale and spinach, but also in broccoli and cauliflower.  Fish, liver, meat, eggs and some cereal grains also contain Vitamin K, although in smaller amounts.  In the chaotic aftermath of the apocalypse, you may find yourself in the struggle for survival over food, water and chocolate.  There’s a good chance you’ll have to beat the crap out of someone just to stay alive.  Healthy intakes of Vitamin K, therefore, will prevent you from bruising and bleeding easily.  The ancient Mayans had strong bones and tough skins thanks to a healthy, vitamin-rich diet.  It’s why their descendants are still alive today and more than ready for the start of Baktun 12.  If they’d maintained a diet of communion wafers and red wine like Roman Catholic priests had wanted them to do, they all would have died out long ago!

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin E refers to a group of 8 fat-soluble compounds, each with its own name that – like most everything from a biologist’s mind – makes absolutely no sense.  But, Vitamin E is best known as an antioxidant, which I previously mentioned protects against such calamities as radiation and second-hand smoke.  Actually, radiation is a genuine calamity; second-hand smoke can be eliminated easily by taking out the smoker.  Since Vitamin E is good for the immune system and metabolic processes, you’d best have some in your survival supply.  Natural food sources include leafy green vegetables, nuts, seeds and vegetable oil.  People with certain disorders like liver disease may need extra doses of Vitamin E.  People with other disorders like a bad attitude can’t be helped, even with heavy doses of Vitamin E, so it’s best just to boot them out of your posse and let them fend for themselves.  The chaos of the new Baktun will require enough of your attention and energy without the need to bitch-slap some fool in the group.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin D is actually a rarity in the vitamin world, found in only a few foods; mainly fish, eggs, milk and cod liver oil.  Five forms of Vitamin D have been identified: 1 – 5.  (Scientists were too excited to give them individual names.)  Vitamin D’s basic function is to maintain normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus.  As you know, calcium is a critical element in the health of bones and teeth.  Phosphorus is an element represented by the letter “P” (as if that wasn’t obvious); it is essential to all life forms because it helps to extract energy from food, particularly fats and starches.  It speeds up the healing process and works with calcium to strengthen bones.  Strong bones will be of the utmost importance as you struggle to survive in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse.  Strong bones will help you search for food, build fires in the outdoors to cook it and beat the crap out of anybody that tries to steal that food.  The ancient Mayans – as short and stocky as they were – had incredibly strong bones.  How else do you think they were able to build those massive pyramids without draft animals?  Therefore, it’s important that you a ready supply of Vitamin D in your cache of goods.  You may not build any pyramids, but strong bones will come in handy when you remodel your house after the axes switch.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin C is one of the best vitamins for normal physical growth and development.  That, of course, leads to normal spiritual growth and development, which explains why a lot of Jews, Christians and Muslims are Vitamin C-deficient.  Therefore, make certain you have a good supply of Vitamin C in your survival stockpile.  The human body neither produces nor stores Vitamin C, so you’ll have to consume it through natural food sources, such as fruits and vegetables, or capsules.  Vitamin C helps to heal from wounds and form scar tissue.  It contains free radicals which can assist you in combating such things as tobacco smoke, radiation and stupidity.  Radiation may be present when the axes shift, which will throw power plants off-line and upend garbage dumps.  Stupidity, of course, is a perennial problem, so you have to be on guard for that regardless of what happens.  But, with plentiful sources of Vitamin C in your arsenal, you can handle any dilemma.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin B should be another essential element in your stockpile of supplies, whether in capsule form or in your overall food cache.  Vitamin B is actually a complex of 8 water soluble vitamins, meaning they go good with water.  I’m sure they also go good with chocolate and beer, but that’s for another discussion.  Here’s a basic breakdown of Vitamin B:

B1 helps prevent heart swelling, leg cramps and muscular weakness.  These are ailments you definitely don’t need to endure, in case you have to fight intruders and in-laws over food supplies.  Rich food sources include liver, heart and kidney meats; eggs, leafy green vegetables, nuts, legumes, berries, wheat germs and cereals.  Some believe thiamine helps protect against alcoholism, which is good for depression, stress and anxiety.  It is also said to improve mental ability and to help indigestion.  Of course, chocolate also guards against depression and anxiety, but try to have some B1 on hand.

B2, or riboflavin, helps metabolize fats, carbohydrates and respiratory proteins, and prevents skin lesions and light sensitivity.  In the aftermath of the apocalypse, with the axes shifting and bodies decaying later on, air and natural light may be problematic.  Riboflavins are abundant in mushrooms, milk, meat, liver, dark green vegetables and enriched cereals, pasta and bread.

B3, also known as niacin, vitamin P, or vitamin PP, helps release energy from nutrients.  It can reduce cholesterol and prevent and treat arteriosclerosis.  Deficiency can result in pellagra, a disease with symptoms that include sunburn, diarrhea, irritability, swollen tongue and mental confusion.  You’ll be irritable enough after the upheaval and you certainly don’t want to grow confused while trying to survive. Food sources rich in B3 are chicken, salmon, tuna, liver, nuts, dried peas, enriched cereals and dried beans.

B5 helps metabolize fats, carbohydrates and proteins.  Deficiency can result in fatigue, allergies, nausea and abdominal pain.  I don’t think allergies will be a problem in the new Baktun.  The ancient Mayans didn’t suffer much from them and neither do their contemporaries.  One benefit to the shift in axes will include a refreshed environment.  B5 is most abundant in eggs, whole grain cereals, legumes and meat.

B6 helps the body to absorb and metabolize amino acids, to use fats and to form red blood cells.  Deficiency may result in skin disorders, dizziness, nausea, anemia, convulsions and kidney stones.  Amidst all the crap you’ll be dealing with, dizziness and kidney stones shouldn’t be among them.  Whole grains, bread, liver, green beans, spinach, avocadoes, and bananas are rich food sources for B6.

B7, also known as Biotin or vitamin H, helps form fatty acids and assists in the release of energy from carbohydrates.  Although B7 deficiency is unknown in humans, you can never have enough energy at the start of the new Baktun.

B9, known as folic acid, vitamin M or vitamin B-c, enables the body to form hemoglobin, which helps treat anemia.  Food sources include leafy green vegetables, nuts, whole grains, legumes and organ meats, such as liver and pig’s tongue.  Although B9 deficiency is rare, folic acid is lost when foods are stored at room temperature or cooked.  It’s especially important to pregnant women; therefore, if anyone in your posse is pregnant, make sure they’re consuming plenty of B9-rich foods.  This doesn’t include people who feel or look pregnant, in other words fat asses. 

Vitamin B12, also known as Cobalamin or Cyanocobalamin, assists the function of the nervous system and the formation of red blood cells.  Some in your household may be nervous in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse, but instead of shooting them, make sure they start consuming large quantities of B12.  They could then turn into productive members of the group.  If they refuse, then it’s okay to shoot them.  B12 can only be found in animal sources such as eggs, milk, fish, meat and liver.  Vegetarians are at particular risk for B12 deficiencies.  Although I’m somewhat carnivorous in nature, I love vegetarians.  I eat one every day!

Survivalist Tip:  You should have plenty of vitamin A on hand.  Vitamin A is known as Retinol, which refers to the retina.  This means obviously that it’s good for the eyes.  And, in the chaos of the apocalypse aftermath, your eyesight will be extremely crucial.  Keen eyesight will help you locate food, medicine, chocolate and other essentials, as well as helping to prevent you from falling victim to such varmints as zombies and any reality TV show cast members who should survive.  The ancient Mayans valued keen eyesight in their jungle environment.  Remember, they helped refine the first writing system to develop in the Western Hemisphere.  With eyesight like that, you’ll always be safe!

Survivalist Tip:  I’d mentioned in previous posts that you should stockpile corn and rice in preparation for the apocalypse, since both are good basic sustenance foods.  Beans are another such item.  Beans are of unknown origin, probably first cultivated in Afghanistan and Egypt about 4,000 years ago.  Egypt continued growing bean stalks, while Afghanistan switched to poppy plants – and look what happened!  But, beans also were cultivated in ancient American societies, most notably in present-day Peru, but also in Guatemala.  Guatemala, of course, is where the Mayans were deposited from the Heavens.  Beans are easy to store and even easier to cook.  Like corn and rice, beans are high in starch, but more importantly, high in protein.  Protein, as I’ve mentioned more than once, will be critical in the immediate aftermath of the upheaval.  A meal of corn, rice and beans is a great way to stay healthy in the uncertain days following December 21.  And, don’t worry about any gas – that shit will just pass!

Survivalist Tip:  As I’ve recommended before, it’s important you have at least one firearm readily available.  Of course, no one really wants to use a firearm, unless you’re trying to scare off such pests as rats and political candidates.  But, fortifying the front door to your home is equally important.  Most people think of locks, chains, burglar alarms and ‘Beware of Demonic Dog’ notices plastered below the peep hole, when they’re asked about the front door.  All of these things, however, are merely deterrents.  You have to reinforce the door jamb, which is the vertical portion of the frame onto which the door is secured.  Of course, if you didn’t know what a door jamb is in the first place, you’re going to have a really tough time when the apocalypse hits anyway.  But, here’s how to fortify the door jamb:

1. Pry off the doorstop. This is the trim that the door closes against. Now find where the jamb has been nailed through the shims. Remove each nail and replace with a very long screw (long enough to reach a couple inches into the stud).  Once the screws are flush, put the doorstop back and you’re done.

2.  Reinforce the hinges.  Most hinges have short screws that don’t reach very far.  Simply replace the short screws with long screws that will reach all the way into the studs.  That will secure the door to the jamb and the house frame.

3.  Reinforce the strike plate.  This is the small piece of metal in the jamb that holds the latch or bolt in place.  Because the jamb is chiseled out to make room for the keeper, this is a weak spot where the jamb can easily split apart.  Once again, you’ll need to replace the short screws with ones that reach through into the stud.

Now, the jamb and both sides of the door are attached to the frame and make a formidable barrier.  That way you can enjoy your chocolate and beer in the true comfort of your own home.  And, if anyone dares to ask why you’re tearing up your door frame, just look at them like the idiot they are, point your gun above their heads and give them a dollar so they can buy some of their own damn business!

Survivalist Tip:  As utility services are likely to go down when the apocalypse hits, make certain you have bags of charcoal on hand.  Charcoal has been used for centuries as a cooking aid in most societies around the world; except what is now the Middle East where they used either goat dung or the foreskins of infant males.  The indigenous peoples of the Americas have a long history with wood charcoal, its original form, where they used it for cooking, heating and long-distance text messaging.  Smoke from charcoal-induced flames will ward off insects, spiders, celebrities and other varmints that manage to survive the upheaval.  As I’ve stated repeatedly, we don’t know how long power will be out, so charcoal will help you get through the cold and darkness.  Besides, charcoal-basted chocolate is heavenly!