Monthly Archives: April 2012

Survivalist Tip: Previously, I mentioned you should stockpile bananas, as they’re a good source of nutrients.  But, you also should stockpile apples.  Unlike bananas, apples don’t ripen as fast and therefore, last longer.  Apples have always had a bad rap, since the “Garden of Eden” scenario in the Christian Bible.  But, since the Mayans existed long before the Bible, that rule doesn’t apply here.  Although the crab apple is the only type of apple native to North America, there are currently 2,500 varieties grown in the United States.  Europeans brought more varieties of apple trees to North America in the 17^th century, but since Native Americans adapted quickly to them, that sort of makes up for the whole small pox fiasco and anything Custer did.

More importantly, apples are extremely nutritious.  A single apple has about 80 calories and 5 grams of fiber.  Apples are also free of fat, sodium and cholesterol.  In the chaotic aftermath of the apocalypse, you’ll need a high caloric intake to search for food and fend off predators.  You definitely don’t need more fat and sodium in your diet amidst the ruckus.  Don’t peel an apple; about 2/3 of the fiber and lots of antioxidants are found in the skin.  And, don’t worry about making apple cider and apple pies until things have settled down.  You’ll have plenty of time for that later.  As long as you all keep your apples in a relatively cool, dark place, they’ll be good for a while.  I know there’s a bad joke in that, but I won’t go there.

Survivalist Tip:  I want to return to the outdoors for those of you who might be on foot when the apocalypse hits.  True survivalists know how to build a shelter strictly from trees.  It’s an essential skill for anyone trapped outside, especially in cold weather.  The comforts of home won’t be available at the start of the new Baktun.  If you expect they will be, stop reading now and say your prayers.  You’ll probably die anyway come December 21.  If you truly want to make it, however, here are some steps to construct a shelter from trees. 

1. Find the trees.  Unless you’re in the middle of the desert, or stuck on an ice floe, trees should be all around you.  You won’t actually cut down the trees because that would take too much valuable time and energy.  You’ll just gather as many branches as possible.  The best branches are from pine trees, but if you’re stuck, say, in the midst of a redwood forest, you’ll just have to go with that.  Use your knife or machete to cut some if necessary.  If you didn’t bring a knife or machete, you’re an idiot! 
2. Don’t strip the leaves from the branches.  This actually will form the bulk of the shelter. 
3. Find some particularly long and firm branches.  These will comprise the shelter’s base. 
4. Set the largest of these branches against a tree that’s still standing, preferably one with a relatively big trunk.  Plant the other end firmly into the ground.  Begin stacking the other more firm branches on either side of it, in a criss-cross formation. 
5. The remaining lighter branches will form the roof of the shelter.  Just place them across the more firm branches, forming a relatively thick layer.  This should provide some insulation from the cold. 

Of course, if heavy wind and rain come along, it could knock down the entire shelter, so you’ll just have to deal with it.  If someone like a hunter, IRS, or Bigfoot arrives on the scene, just shoot them with your gun.  If you didn’t bring a gun, what the hell’s wrong with you?!