Tag Archives: apocalypse 2012

One day, people!  One more day and the world begins anew!  Say your prayers!  Or, at least shred all your utility bills!

Okay, this is it, folks – the last week of the countdown.  At this point, there’s no more advice I can give you.  Hopefully, you’re fully prepared for the dramatic end of this Baktun and the start of the next one.  Just remember it will be simultaneously cataclysmic and horrific.  Wind, rain, dust, hail, lightning – all of nature’s elements – will come towards you at once.  Promise your soul now to Mother Earth and Father Sky!  And, safeguard that water and chocolate!

Survivalist Tip:  You must fortify the front door to your home if you want to add an extra measure of security for you and your family.  Most people think of locks, chains, burglar alarms and ‘Beware of Demonic Dog’ notices plastered below the peep hole, when they’re asked about the front door.  All of these things, however, are merely deterrents.  You have to reinforce the door jamb, which is the vertical portion of the frame onto which the door is secured.  Of course, if you didn’t know what a door jamb is in the first place, you’re going to have a really tough time when the apocalypse hits anyway.  But, here’s how to strengthen the door jamb:

1. Pry off the doorstop. This is the trim that the door closes against. Now find where the jamb has been nailed through the shims. Remove each nail and replace with a very long screw (long enough to reach a couple inches into the stud).  Once the screws are flush, put the doorstop back and you’re done.
2. Reinforce the hinges.  Most hinges have short screws that don’t reach very far.  Simply replace the short screws with long screws that will reach all the way into the studs.  That will secure the door to the jamb and the house frame.
3. Reinforce the strike plate.  This is the small piece of metal in the jamb that holds the latch or bolt in place.  Because the jamb is chiseled out to make room for the keeper, this is a weak spot where the jamb can easily split apart.  Once again, you’ll need to replace the short screws with ones that reach through into the stud.

Now, the jamb and both sides of the door are attached to the frame and make a formidable barrier.  That way you can enjoy your chocolate and fruit preserves in true comfort.  If anyone asks why you’re going to such lengths, just hold up your shotgun and show them the door.

Survivalist Tip:  Ah – we’ve now reached the critical one week point.  So that reminds me of one more critical element in your arsenal of supplies: rope.  Since prehistoric times, rope has been used for hunting, pulling, fastening, attaching, carrying, lifting and climbing.  Every society on Earth has developed some version of rope.  In the tumultuous aftermath, you may need to evacuate your home, and rope can secure essential belongings to your vehicle or donkey.  You may have to climb over a hill, a mountain, or a pile of dead bodies.  And, if anyone in your clan gets out of line, you can always tie them up with some of that rope until they settle down.

Survivalist Tip:  Every good survivalist has a tent in their cache of supplies.  You should, too, whether or not you plan to be on foot during the upheaval.  A high quality tent is made of sturdy polyester fabric with a PVC (polyvinyl chloride) coating.  PVC is the result of recycled paper, beer cans and skin removed from obese people – so you can be assured it’s great for the environment.  That’s especially important when you realize the Mayan gods are already angered by the extreme waste in our society.  A tent with PVC coating will stand up to most anything – rain, hail, wind, politicians – and will provide you with some level of security, as chaos surrounds you.  And, while people are fighting off zombies and politicians, you can relax in your tent with some chocolate and beer!

Survivalist Tip:  Whether you plan to head out on foot, or at some point, need to go hunting for your food, you must have some sturdy boots on hand – preferably more than one pair.  They definitely must have thick soles, but they also should have alloy-enforced toe fronts, reach above your ankle and be water and fire resistant.  Keep your fancy, over-priced designer footwear stored away.  They’ll be useless in almost any situation when the apocalypse hits.  Besides, with that alloy toe, you can easily disable anyone who tries to break into your home to steal water or fruit with a swift kick to the crotch or the butt.  Trust me – I’ve done that when someone has tried to snatch a beer or burger from my hand at music festivals.  Sturdy work boots just sort of command respect that way.