Once again, my beloved home state of Texas is in the news for all the wrong reasons. We used to make headlines for our space program and oil patch revenues. Now, it’s the glaring call for “Secession.” Two years ago Governor Rick Perry publicly toyed with the idea of secession; claiming he didn’t want Washington elitists interfering with our business – especially any half-blooded Negroes who might occupy the White House. After he won a third term that fall, he denied rumors he would seek the presidency, again stating, in effect, that would betray his anti-Washington stance. Then, he went back on his word and jumped into the presidential race last year; ultimately embarrassing the crap out of the Lone Star State. We moderates didn’t like him much anyway, but now, he’s our version of the anti-Christ.
But, the “S” word has reared its ugly head again; this time in the form of a petition a group of Texans actually have submitted to the White House. The petition reads, in part:
“Given that the state of Texas maintains a balanced budget and is the 15th largest economy in the world, it is practically feasible for Texas to withdraw from the union, and to do so would protect it’s [sic] citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers which are no longer being reflected by the federal government.”
As of now, more than 118,000 people have signed it. If I had my way, I’d secede them and any subsequent followers to a boat in the middle of the Atlantic. Unfortunately, though, the White House – by federal law – now has to take this mess seriously. We’re in the midst of an economic crisis, and our troops still haven’t left that oversized latrine known as Afghanistan. But, the Obama Administration will have to spend precious time and resources giving a pack of disgruntled moonshining acolytes the attention they didn’t get from their own trailer park families.
Never mind that, should Texas actually manage to secede, we’d lose tens of millions of dollars in federal funding for highway infrastructure, education and our slew of military bases. But, if Texas does become its own nation, I have to wonder how our constitution and “Bill of Rights” would read. From El Paso to Texarkana and Amarillo to Brownsville, what would become of all of us?
Would our currency have a picture of Rick Perry holding a gun or a pair of fallopian tubes?
Would we have to build an electrified fence along our border with New México? I can understand Louisiana and Arkansas, but New México?!
Will our national history begin with David Crockett and Jim Bowie, instead of c. 9,000 B.C.?
Will everyone above the age of 10 months be required to carry a gun?
Will there be a border crossing bridge into Oklahoma?
What will we bomb after we’ve destroyed all the Planned Parenthood offices?
Will Ann Richards’ body be disinterred and reburied at sea?
Will the Bush clan be declared our royal family?
Will everyone with Spanish surnames have to get branded?
Will Chuck Norris be our ambassador to the United States? Or, will it be Ted Nugent?
Will legitimate rape be included in the “Texas Bill of Rights”?
Will the Civil War be renamed “The Great Freedom Battle”?
Will the term “slavery” be replaced with “low-skilled labor”?
Will chicken fried steak be considered a delicacy?
What will be the official national religion – Southern Baptist or Smith & Wesson?
Will art museums be considered communist propaganda?
When will open season on Muslims, Jews and Wiccans begin?
Will foot-binding become fashionable again?
Will Texas Supreme Court justices still wear black robes, or switch to leather chaps?
So the death penalty will only apply to retarded people now, right?
Will shooting and killing any non-White person be classified as a misdemeanor?
Will rap music be outlawed?
If Lady Gaga tries to make it into Texas, will she be shot on sight?
Will TV shows like 20/20 and Dancing with the Stars be subtitled?
Will FOX News become our state-run news station?
Will every home have speakers installed through which “God Bless Texas” can be blared 5 times a day?
Will red become the official national hair color? I’d go for that!
Will people from California and Massachusetts have to step aside at the airport for extra pat-downs? Or, will they just be jailed as soon as they step off the plane?
Will opera and symphony companies have to shut down and be replaced by NASCAR gift shops?
If Chris Matthews tries to make it into Texas, will he be shot on sight?
Chief Writing Wolf 