God Save the Horses from the All-American Fat Ass!

Joker, a Belgian draft horse, awaits a tour at Sombrero Ranches.  Please pray for him!

Joker, a Belgian draft horse, awaits a tour at Sombrero Ranches. Please pray for him!

First, plumbing companies started manufacturing toilets to support butt cheeks large enough to qualify as the mouths of orca whales. Then, ambulance firms began installing extra-wide stretchers for those extra-wide figures. There are even easy chairs with specially-designed hydraulic lifters to aid the large among us in getting back to an upright position.

Now, as if we haven’t done enough to accommodate the growing and relentless obesity epidemic in the United States, Sombrero Ranches, a conglomeration of horse-riding tour guide companies based in Colorado, is switching to sturdy draft horses to hold up those with extra pounds. In a twisted combination of animal safety and political correctness, want to make certain America’s biggest butts can enjoy the views of the treasured West from atop a horse, just the like the rest of us.

“Even though a person might be overweight, or, you know, heavier than the average American, it’s kind of nice we can provide a situation where they can ride with their family,” says Sombrero Ranches wrangler T. James “Doc” Humphrey.

Thanks, “Doc.”

Ranch operators note they’ve been adding draft horses to their ranks since the 1990s. But, the increased rate of obesity among both American adults and children has compelled various horse-riding entities to consider the welfare of their equestrian employees. Rockin’ HK Outfitters in Montana, for example, removed the 225-pound limit for riding guests last year.

“Little horses just aren’t sturdy enough to hold up in a dude operation in the Rocky Mountains,” Kipp Saile of Rockin’ HK said, noting that about 15 of their 60 horses are Percheron mixes. Their largest equine weighs 1,800 pounds.

Peggy Howell, a spokeswoman for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, calls the ranch’s decision “wonderful,” adding that all businesses should become “size savvy.”

One drawback, though, is that larger horses cost more to maintain. Obviously, they eat and drink more, plus they require heavier doses of medication and larger horseshoes. It’s not surprising ranch owners would pass those costs off to consumers, including those of us who don’t cause the bathroom scale to scream, ‘Oh, Jesus Christ!’

I know some people have weight problems. But, obesity isn’t a weight problem. It’s more of a ‘can’t-wait-to-eat’ problem. If a person is so fat they could break the back of a 1,000-pound horse, then the problem isn’t with the horse; it’s with that lard-ass! Tour the Rocky Mountains on foot, instead, and lose some of those damn pounds. But, don’t torture a helpless animal just because you can’t keep your mouth away from the donuts!


Filed under Curiosities

4 responses to “God Save the Horses from the All-American Fat Ass!

  1. For the love of all that is Holy. Get off the horse and walk, damned right. I use to ride, loved riding. After I was shot and couldn’t run or for that matter do anything anymore for years the obvious out come was I gained weight. I have fought this battle for 20 years. It is frustrating. It is even more frustrating because of all the surgeries that stop progress in weight loss. One thing I did though? I stopped riding, in part because it was unsafe for me and in part because it was unsafe for the horse. What is wrong with people?

    • I had a friend a long time ago who’d been in a freak accident some years earlier and had to go on some kind of cortisone treatment. It caused her to gain weight. She thought she was fat, but I felt she looked like a goddess! I can understand people gaining weight under those circumstances. But, the obesity epidemic in the U.S. isn’t because all these folks’ metabolic systems have suddenly gone out of whack due to some unknown environmental anomaly. They’re just not being responsible for their own behavior.

  2. God save us all from fat asses. We’ve simply got to stop allowing self-indulgent people who can’t keep their hands out of their mouths to pass their lack of discipline off to the rest of us. Have you ever been on a bus, or subway with someone who takes up a seat and a half – and who insists on cramming his or her humongous butt in the seat with you? Not a comfortable situation, and they don’t seem to care that they’re killing themselves in the process.

    • I used to take a bus to and from my job in downtown Dallas years ago. Yes, I’d occasionally find myself next to some heavy-set person, which made it an uncomfortable ride. In 2009, a friend of mine had some kind gastric bypass surgery. I asked her if it was “that bad,” and she said yes. She’d tried every diet and taken every supplement to help her lose weight, but her system wasn’t responding. I can understand that. Some people have no choice; their metabolisms just won’t function properly. But, they’re the exception.

      A few years ago another friend of mine posted a cell phone photo to his Facebook page showing 2 fat women in a Wal-Mart. They’d each plopped down in the motorized scooters the store has to offer handicapped patients. He was recovering from cancer surgery on his hip and was hobbling around on crutches. Seeing those 2 women made him angry! It made me angry, too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.