“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects.”
“A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”
“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
“Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
“Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’”
“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.’”
“My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.”
“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”
“Grandchildren can be so fucking annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”
“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”
“The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”
“The Ed Sullivan Show,” 1967
“The Carol Burnett Show,” 1974
“The Tonight Show,” 1982
“The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson, 1986
“The View,” 2012
“The Tonight Show” with Jimmy Fallon, 2014
Chief Writing Wolf 
And then she called the President Gay and his wife a Tranny. Then she went one step further, said all Palestinians should die or something to that affect.
I have always disliked her. She is shrewish. The older she got the meaner she got.