When I saw the two orbs of light some distance ahead of me, I knew what that meant. ‘That’s a car!’ I told myself. And it’s in my lane! No! I’m in the wrong lane! Goddamn!
It was a Saturday night, sometime around 1988, and I was happily enjoying alcohol. In other words, I was drunk off my ass. I learned the phrase “enjoying alcohol” when I joined a fraternity a few years earlier. As I previously wrote, that was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Even now, at age 61, I still feel it was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
Dumb in that it led me to that point: driving while heavily intoxicated. I was on my way home following an after-work party of some kind. I’d brought a jug of white wine to the affair, and – except for giving a small amount to someone else – I downed every drop of the beverage. Once I realized that car was headed towards me (or me towards it), I quickly moved into the correct lane. I was fortunate. Even in that disoriented state, I’d become aware something was wrong.
I’d have many more nights like that – not driving in the wrong lane; rather, having consumed too much alcohol. I’ve lost many weekends and more than a few week days because of my addiction.
And yes, it’s an addiction. I admitted that years ago. But it was a matter of time before I sought to address it. That matter of time has taken years though. Late last year I had my regular doctor to prescribe acamprosate, a medicine designed to reduce alcohol cravings. Like most anything regarding healthcare, it’s merely a crutch; an item utilized to help someone move to the next stage of…whatever. I’ve also admitted something else – I’ll never get over my alcohol cravings. I can only minimize my consumption. Going “cold turkey” – whatever that’s supposed to mean – isn’t practical for me. Or possible. Once addicted, always addicted. In this case, it really does come down to will power. I know that’s such a cliché. My mother told me she began smoking cigarettes in the 1950s. Her father told her it’s okay to have a habit…as long as the habit doesn’t have you. My grandfather had given up the nicotine habit years earlier, while still living in México City, when someone referred him to a local Indian soothsayer for help. She composed a tea-like concoction for him, which made him extremely nauseous. He said he vomited for several consecutive days. Afterwards, he never craved cigarettes again. I thought about that off and on as I continued my battle against alcohol.
There are too many situations to detail here. One Saturday night around 1990 a female friend and I visited a Dallas nightclub that sold minimum-price mixed drinks for a short time after opening. We each consumed so much that, when we exited the club and made our way to my car, we passed out and slept for a few hours. When I awoke, it was just before 5 a.m. local time.
One weekday night around 1996, I decided to visit a bar after work, instead of coming home and going to the gym, as I’d originally planned. I had a few Bacardi and Cokes before returning to my quaint apartment in North Dallas. Then, for some reason I still can’t explain, I suddenly had the urge to kill myself. It was an overwhelming sensation. I needed to die. My life wasn’t worth continuing. Damn! So close to the turn of the century! I kept thinking I should walk to a pay phone at a nearby convenience store and call for help – if only to have someone talk me out of that madness. But I didn’t. I managed to calm myself down.
That madness has occurred periodically over the ensuing years. I confessed years ago that I definitely have a problem with alcohol. Taking my own life to compensate for it has provided some respite for it. Taking acamprosate isn’t like taking an antibiotic – a life-dependent medication – it’s more like a vitamin. I should take it regularly – but it’s not THAT important.
It guess it should be.
I’m drinking red wine as I write this essay. To anyone who has an addiction, understand it will never really leave you. The key element truly is will power…the will to live and experience what this life has to give. I’ve dealt with this – and so can anyone else. You, too.
Chief Writing Wolf 
Alejandro, that must have been a difficult post to write, opening up about addiction and your emotional tribulations. But, in writing about it, I hope it has lightened the emotional load that you have placed on yourself.
None of us are perfect. In fact, most of us are wing-ing it much of the time. We do not have everything worked out and maybe it is not even possible for us to do so.
Once addicted, always addicted – is often right, as the addiction services a need the person has… Would that be fair to say?
I have some experience with addiction with family members. Their struggle breaks my heart and I almost lost them more than once.
Enjoy your red wine, but don’t let it enjoy you!
Alcohol numbs emotions but the toll it exacts for that is to depress the mind, so I am not that surprised that you had an overwhelming urge to kill yourself on that occasion. Its power to steal a person’s joy surpasses any temporary solace.
Thank you, Amanda. Yes, it’s been a difficult journey, but I’ve finally accepted the challenges. More importantly, though, I’m still trying to make the best of my life. That’s all anyone should expect.
“Living your best life” – indeed. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have come a long way already!
Addiction is powerful, but it is possible to stop drinking and not crave it. Many people have done it. It’s not easy, and not everyone can do it. I believe you can.
Thank you, Jen!
I’m glad you’re able to keep it under control. I quit smoking almost a week ago now. I’ve been sick with chest and head congestion and it was a good time to do it. I didn’t use the patch or the gum. I just stayed home, where it’s peaceful, and allowed myself to eat some things I normally don’t. It’s been my biggest challenge in life. I’m feeling good about it this time. I really don’t even think about it. After 3 days, the nicotine is out of my system and it’s just psychological. Thanks for sharing.