Chief Writing Wolf

“Those decisions for children who are conceived in rape or in incest will need to be made prior to the 20-week mark.”

– Elizabeth Graham, head of Texas Right to Life, discussing Gov. Rick Perry’s promotion of “fetal pain” legislation banning abortions after 20 weeks.  The measure would include exceptions for women whose lives are in danger, but not for victims of rape or incest.

Texas Legislature’s Proposed Pregnancy Calendar:

Weeks 1 and 2 – Your pregnancy begins as your body gears up for ovulation and prepares for fertilization, a.k.a. “The Beginning of Life.”

Week 3 – As sperm meets egg, fertilization occurs and your child takes form – as a tiny group of cells.  But, it’s still a kid, so start picking names!

Week 4 – That cluster of God-created cells splits to form the placenta and the embryo.  The specialized parts of your baby begin to develop – including the heart where God will live.

Week 5 – Your baby’s heart and circulatory system are developing – this is God’s plan – and a home pregnancy test will confirm this God’s child.

Week 6 – Your baby’s face takes shape, which is the face of you and your husband (you do have a husband, right?).

Week 7 – Your baby’s brain begins to grow, so it will start to think how God will fit into its life.

Week 8 – As your baby starts moving in the womb, morning sickness sets in – but this is the price all women must pay for the sin of Eve giving Adam that apple.

Week 9 – Your baby is busy building muscle, but all you may want to do these days is take a nice long nap.

Week 10 – Your baby’s bones and cartilage begin to develop more.  Constipation intensifies, but again that’s the price you must pay for the sins of Eve.

Week 11 – That adorable child inside you takes on a more human appearance now – the true face of God should be crystal clear on the sonogram.

Week 12 – While it may seem as if you’ve doubled in size with pregnancy weight gain, it’s your baby who actually has.

Week 13 – As the first trimester comes to a close, your baby’s about the size of a…well, an apple.

Week 14 – Your baby begins to sprout some angel hair.

Week 15 – Your baby begins kicking those little legs and flexing those elbows, as it fills with the spirit of God.

Week 16 – Your baby’s eyesight begins to develop, which means it can see any sharp instruments coming towards it!

Week 17 – Your baby is practicing sucking and swallowing as it gets ready to nurse.

Week 18 – You might start to feel your baby moving around, which will continue even after you get it into a church pew.

Week 19 – Your baby’s gender can be determined at this point.  That means – especially if it’s a male child – your fate as a mother has been set.  And, you can’t go back.

Week 20 – Don’t even think about it, bitch!