Tag Archives: 2012

Survivalist Tip:  If you plan to stay at home during the apocalypse, you definitely will need a water purification system.  As with telephone and electricity services, water utility companies aren’t equipped for a major upheaval – despite all those fees they slap onto your monthly bill.  I’m not talking about the quaint little designer filters you attach to your faucets at home or work.  Even the most basic of water purification systems will remove undesirable chemicals and toxins and will set you back less than $200.  But, it’s a worthwhile investment, considering that water will be worth as much as gold in the post-apocalyptic ‘New Universe.’  Mayans in México’s Yucatán peninsula had a ready source of clean drinking water; a massive fresh-water river snakes beneath the region and bubbles up into sinkholes they called a “dzonot,” which the Spaniards translated into cenote.  The Mayans considered these sacred and magical portals to the underworld, which – unlike Judaism, Christianity and Islam – is not a place of evil or despair.  It is a source of life.  I know this may seem like a bit much in discussions about water filters, but you need to understand the significance of clean water.  It is the source of all life, and you can’t do without it.  In the new world, the Mayan gods will be honored to see your concern for this most basic sustenance.  Besides, you need clean water to make chocolate and down your Xanax!

Survivalist Tip:  Every good survivalist has a tent in their cache of goods and therefore, so should you – especially if you plan to be on foot during the upheaval.  A high quality tent is made of sturdy polyester fabric with PVC (polyvinyl chloride) coating.  PVC is the result of recycled paper and beer cans; thus, it’s environmentally friendly.  And, that’s a good thing, considering the Mayan gods are already ticked off with the extreme waste in our society.  Exceptional waste is one reason why most people in Beverly Hills won’t survive the apocalypse.  A tent with PVC coating will stand up to most anything: rain, hail, wind, zombies, politicians, etc.  It will provide you with a sense of security, as chaos reigns around you.  And, while people are fighting off zombies and politicians, you can relax in your tent with  some chocolate and lager!

Survivalist Tip:  Rice is another one of the many foods you’ll need to survive in the aftermath of the apocalypse.  It’s one of the oldest grains on Earth and feeds at least half of the world’s current population.  That means some 3.5 billion humans subsist on this very precious cereal crop – mainly because there aren’t any nearby pizzerias.  Scientists don’t know where and when rice was first cultivated, but the ancient Mesopotamians are the most likely candidates.  The people of Mesopotamia (present-day Iraq and Iran) were highly civilized and ambitious, just like their counterparts – the Mayans.  Unfortunately, when Islam came to rule, the Mesopotamians suddenly got stupid.  The same thing happened with Christianity and Judaism, but that’s a different subject.  The ancient Mayans made rice a staple of their diet, and the crop spread northward into what is now the United States.  The indigenous peoples in these regions – from the Cherokee in the southeast all the way to the Hollywood in the far west – quickly adapted and made it part of their daily menu.  Rice is not very high in protein, but it is a very sturdy plant and very filling.  We don’t know how long things will be in an uproar after the initial apocalyptic wave strikes; thus we don’t know how long it will be before you can start shopping for groceries again, or when your favorite pizzeria will re-open.  But, rice will save you from going hungry!

Survivalist Tip:  You’ll need some gauze bandages in your arsenal of supplies.  There’s nothing fancy about them; they’re simple and easy to use and even re-use – after washing of course.  Gauze bandages can be utilized for everything from severe cuts (such as the type you’d get when carving up wild game) to sprains (such as the type you’d get when beating the crap out of someone trying to steal your wild game).  Along with your cache of iodine, bottled water, chocolate and Xanax, gauze bandages will help you handle a minor injury, as chaos reigns around you.

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I discussed how to cook a fish on a rock.  This, of course, would require that you start a fire in a pit.  But, I need to explain exactly how to build a fire from scratch.  (I know this is going backwards, but since I was a breach baby, there’s a method to my madness.)  Whether you plan to stay at home, or hike into the hinterlands when the apocalypse hits, building a fire literally from the ground up is an essential skill.  Outdoor enthusiasts will know what I’m talking about.  But, even if you’re at home, there’s a good chance the power will go out, as the Earth’s axes start shifting; something utility companies aren’t equipped to handle, despite all the extra fees they tack onto your monthly bill. 

If you’re at home, make sure you have a healthy supply of firewood.  A number of other items, however, make good kindling: shrubbery, grass, hay, telephone books, newspapers, old clothes, pictures of your ex and tax forms.  Bibles, Torahs and Qurans are also great fuel, and since the Mayan gods will have no use for them, neither should you.  Second, make certain you also have a good supply of matches, lighters and / or a magnifying glass.  Keep these latter items in a safe dry place. 

If the power does go out in your house, or you’re in the outdoors anyway, you’ll have to resort to the campfire technique.  Dig a large hole or depression into the ground.  Then, pile all that material into the pit.  Aside from the matches and lighters, here are other options for creating a fire:

Use a magnifying glass.  Hold the glass over the ignitable material and in front of the sun, so that a small bright dot will appear on it.  This takes a while, but be patient.  You won’t be cooking cheese fries anyway. 

If the sky is cloudy, you can start a fire with sticks.  Just be sure the kindling is dry. 

First, make a bow, using slightly bendable wood.  You’ll be putting a lot of pressure on the bow, and dead wood is more likely to break than similarly sized green wood.  Use as thin a piece of wood as you can so the bow will be as light as possible.  A lighter bow is easier to control and takes less strength to push back and forth. However, it has to be stiff enough to not bend when you’re using it.  The bow doesn’t actually have to have much of a curve to it. Use a shoelace, drawstring, small rope or whatever cordage you can find.  Leave a little slack in the cord so that you can twist the drill into the bow.  Once the drill is in the bow, the tension should be nice and firm. 

Make a fireboard.  The fireboard and the drill both need to be made from light, dry, non-resinous wood.  The best wood for this won’t have any sap and will be light and soft enough to easily dent with your thumbnail without gouging.  Shape whatever wood you choose into a piece about an inch thick, 2-3 inches across and at least 12 inches long.  Set it aside for now. 

Make a drill.  Your drill should be made of harder wood than the fireboard.  Poplar and maple are good woods for this.  Try to find the straightest piece of wood possible.  (If you’re a homosexual male, this should be easy.  If you’re of the lesbitarian faith, this may be the worst day of your life, but deal with it!) 

Find or make a socket.  A socket can be made of bone, wood, or rock.  Look for a rock with a smooth dimple in it.  The ideal rock is fist-sized with a deep dimple and smooth sides.  If you can’t find a rock, the easiest socket to make is of wood.  Either the rock or the piece of wood should be small enough for you to hold in your hand, but not too small.  If you can’t find either a suitable rock or a piece of wood, use the head of the most uncooperative member of your posse.  Put the fireboard on the ground. 

Put your left foot on the fireboard.  The arch of your foot (not the ball or the heel) should be over the fireboard. 

Drop to your right knee – as if you’re going to make a sacrifice to the Mayan gods. 

Hold the bow in your right hand and the drill in your left. 

Put the drill on top of the string with the pencil-sharp end pointing right, and twist it into the bow. 

Put the blunt end of the drill on the crater and put the socket on the drill. 

Grab as close to the end of the bow as you can.  Put some downward pressure on the socket and start to pull back and forth on the bow.  It’s a delicate balance between putting too much and not enough pressure on the drill and having the bow string too tight and not tight enough. 

Saw back and forth with the bow faster and faster, and put more pressure on the socket.  Eventually, some black powder and smoke will form around the bottom of the drill.  (Former Catholics will recognize this scene from Easter services.  Recovering Jews will recognize it from circumcisions, and former Muslims will recognize it from the times they burned the American flag.)  Either way, stop and pick up the fireboard. 

Begin blowing softly through the bundle, while gently squeezing the tinder around the coal.  And then, you will have fire! 

This will definitely keep you warm, if you’re outside.  But, fire will also ward off any unsavory characters who managed to survive the upheaval, such as celebrities or politicians.  Besides, it’s a great way to make hot chocolate and cook that fish.

Learn how to fry a fish on a rock.  Don’t roll your eyes!  You’ll not only go blind, you’ll incite the wrath of the Mayan gods.  Fish has been a staple of humanity ever since the first Neanderthal fell into a lake and…well, floundered about.  Fish was an essential part of the diet of all Indigenous Americans.  Most had to live near rivers and / or lakes; they didn’t have horses or mules until the Europeans arrived, so travel via foot traffic was the only means of land transportation.  Many communities staged festivals around a massive fish fry.  The native peoples of the Caribbean even invented the barbecue.  If you plan to hike yourself to safety when the apocalypse hits, you’ll have to find a source of nourishment.  Although squirrel soup and raccoon shish kabobs may seem ideal, they don’t go well with chocolate and Xanax; besides, those critters are more likely to carry rabies than bass or goldfish.  First, find a relatively smooth, flat rock.  Second, start a fire in a pit with some wood, shrubbery branches, grass and / or straw.  Place the rock in the center of the pit, in the midst of the fire and let it get hot – obviously!  Finally, place the fish on the rock and cook for about 5 – 7 minutes.  Don’t worry about not having any seasoning like salt – the dirt and ash will provide enough flavoring.

Survivalist Tip:  As I’ve discussed previously, whether you plan to stay at home during the apocalypse, or head out somewhere, you have to stockpile plenty of food stuffs.  Corn is one of those foods you should have.  Corn is indigenous to the Western Hemisphere, and every good Indian – Maya, Navajo, Cherokee, West Dallas – maintains a steady diet filled with corn.  If they don’t, they’ve either been drinking too much malt liquor, or they’ve converted to Roman Catholicism.  People cultivated corn from its wild ancestor, teosinte, thousands of years ago.  But, the Maya held corn in the same regard as chocolate, although there’s no evidence they used it for enemas or epidurals.  The Mayan corn deity, Yum K’aax, was depicted as a young man with long, silky tresses – symbolizing the long filaments or ‘hair’ on the cobs – and a beautiful face with classic Maya profile; he wore a headdress made of a corn stalk surrounded by leaves.  In the Mayan hieroglyphic writings, the head of Yum K’aax was depicted by the number “8.”  The sign which indicates his name, Kan, is also the eighth day, or corn day.  Corn has some protein, but it’s rich in carbohydrates, which is a great source of energy.  This will be important, as you try to survive in the immediate aftermath of the upheaval.  If you are on a carbohydrate-restrictive diet, stop it now, or you will die at the onset of the next Baktun!  The Mayan gods will not look kindly upon someone who disrespects corn by not wanting to eat it.  But, corn is also rich in calcium, which is essential for strong bones and teeth – again, something you’ll need to make it through the chaos.  So, as December 21 approaches, just make certain you have plenty of corn on hand.  Besides, it goes great with chocolate and tequila!

Survivalist Tip:  If you plan to hike your way to safety when the apocalypse hits, a canteen is one of the many things you’ll have to take with you.  Canteens have come a long way from the forest green-colored, military-issued containers you’ve seen before.  They come in a rainbow of colors, including my favorite: plaid.  Camping and hiking enthusiasts know that canteens are now made of either durable plastic or stainless steel.  I recommend purchasing some made of stainless steel.  Why?  Because plastic is human-made junk, which will aggravate the Mayan gods!  That’s why!  Canteens, of course, are renowned for storing water, but they can be used to store any beverage: milk, hot chocolate, tequila, etc.  You’ll need one with a sturdy adjustable strap to sling over your shoulder and a screw-on cap with a tether.  Now, understand there is a difference between a canteen and a cantina.  A canteen, as described above, is for quick transport of consumable fluids; a cantina is where you hope to end up once the Mayan gods realize you’re on their side and the chaos has subsided.  Just don’t hunker down at your favorite cantina on December 20^th, or you’ll turn into a zombie.  Or worst, a Mormon.

Survivalist Tip:  I had to replace a tire on my truck this morning, which reminded me how important a vehicle is – especially a large one.  If you have to flee your home when the apocalypse hits, it’s best to be in a sturdy vehicle, such as a big truck, instead of something like a Toyota Camry or a “Smart Car.”  I don’t care how environmentally conscious you may be; those puny runts won’t be too efficient when chaos erupts all around you!  I have “Hot Wheels” bigger than those things!  (No, I don’t play with “Hot Wheels” anymore.)  But, I recommend investing in a large truck.  You can store your most important survival gear in the bed of it: water, food rations, rope, chocolate and Xanax.  Even really big trucks get good gas mileage these days, which will be critical as you traverse the barren wasteland.  Besides, if any zombies in a “Smart Car” try to cause trouble, you can run their ass off the road!

Survivalist Tip:  I missed posting yesterday’s survivalist tip, so here it is: don’t leave anything out!  As you prepare for the apocalypse, start making a list of everything you’ll need.  Whether you think you’ll be able to stay in your home, or you know you’ll be heading out on foot, just compose a complete and thorough written inventory of all your essential supplies.  Even after things settle down, keep that list handy.  Your descendants might need it for Baktun 13 – 26,000 years from now.