Tag Archives: 2012

Survivalist Tip:  If you plan to stay in your house during the apocalypse, consider getting some barbed wire to place strategically around your property.  Barbed wire is a uniquely American invention; developed from the need of farmers and ranchers to keep unsavory characters from encroaching on their land, such as government officials and traveling preachers.  Barbed wire is still in use today – pretty much for the same thing – to keep in livestock and keep out government officials and traveling preachers.  During the upheaval, a number of vagabonds undoubtedly will try to descend upon your home and take what’s yours.  This has been an ongoing battle in the United States anyway, starting with Columbus.  Just ask any Indian!  (But, not before happy hour.)  Regardless, barbed wire will provide a great deal of secure protection for you and your family, as chaos erupts around you.  You can then enjoy your chocolate and beer until things settle down.

Survivalist Tip:  If you have to evacuate your home when the apocalypse hits, or if you’ll be on foot anyway, one thing you might consider taking with you is cactus juice.  For centuries the indigenous peoples of what are now Latin America and the American Southwest have used cactus juice as a nutritional source.  Now scientific research has proven there are actual benefits to it.  For one thing cactus juice is rich in a rare antioxidant called betalain, which is actually the pigment that gives the prickly pears that attractive reddish pink color.  But, altogether juice from the prickly pear cactus can:

• Decrease inflammation, the leading cause of pain in the body
• Cleanse cells of harmful toxins
• Reduce swelling in the joints and muscles
• Improve breathing
• Ward off annoying relatives

Whether you’ll be in your home or traversing the barren wasteland, you must be in peak physical condition.  It’s one reason why the native peoples of the Americas could survive so long in a harsh environment, often without running fresh water or coffee shops.  The strength provided by cactus juice also helped Native Americans stave off some of the diseases brought by the first Europeans, such as jock itch and Catholicism.  Therefore, it’ll be an essential tool in your arsenal, as you struggle to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.  With all you have to worry about, annoying relatives trying to take your food shouldn’t be one of them.

Survivalist Tip:  If you already live in a well-built house in a good neighborhood, you probably won’t have to flee when the apocalypse hits.  Some areas – like South Dallas; Miami’s Little Haiti; Hollywood, CA; and just about all of Detroit – aren’t even safe now, so those residents should start planning to evacuate now.  But, if you do plan to stay in your home, please make certain your windows are fortified.  Obviously windows are vulnerable because of the glass, but not if they’re made with “cellular composite technology.”  No, CCT glass isn’t developed from stem cells, so you pro-life advocates just settle down and hear me out!  CCT glass – or what I simply call butt glass – is made with tissue excised from obese people during weight reduction surgeries.  And, since there’s been an obesity epidemic in this country for years, there’s no shortage of supply.  Tissue from one fat person can secure windows for a four-bedroom home!  If you live in a multi-room estate, you’ll probably need at least 5 lard-asses to retrofit all the windows.  Yet, this will be an essential, worthwhile investment.  Unlike standard glass, butt glass bends and stretches without breaking.  Thus, if the Earth shakes and heavy winds blow – which mostly like will happen when the Mayan gods arise – your butt glass windows will keep you and your loved ones safe.  And, with everything else going crazy, you don’t want to worry about any unexpected cracks!

Survivalist Tip:  Since it’s the 1^st of March, I want to address those folks who plan to take off on foot somewhere once the apocalypse strikes.  You already understand the need for traveling light, but I want to make certain you understand that hiking and climbing for long distances can be tiresome, especially if you’re out of shape and / or you’ve stored too much into your backpack.  First, you have to get into shape, which means moving around more than between the refrigerator and your computer.  This means actually marching, like people do in the military, on prison chain gangs, or when they’re members of the varsity drum major squad.  These individuals understand the importance of maintaining good stride while walking uniformly – otherwise they might get shot!  Yes, those drum major coaches can be real hellions.  You may be on your own, but you’ll have to keep a good stride.  This will help to prevent you from losing your sanity, as you clamber over rough terrain, jumbled vehicles, or masses of dead bodies.  If you are out of shape (read: fat ass), start now by marching up and down the street, the apartment complex stairs, or the halls of the mental hospital where you’re staying.  This will help to prepare you for long treks across the wasteland.  Second, learn to lighten that glut of mess in your backpack.  And third, if you carry an I-pod with tunes of Native American music, it would be even better for your soul, as that will show the Mayan gods you are one with the Earth.  Otherwise, just hum “99 Bars of Chocolate on the Wall” and you’ll be alright.

Survivalist Tip:  Since this is “Leap Year,” it’s appropriate to remember the old English proverb, “Look before you leap.”  It’s likely that some Englishman came up with that after a few pints of ale.  The English – like Germans and Mexicans – could quaff down some brew and end up one shot away from being a frat boy.  But, of course, when you want to gain a good look at something, a pair of binoculars is perfect.  A telescope is even better, but that won’t fit in your backpack.  A good set of binoculars is perfect for surveying areas ahead of you, if you have to flee your home.  But, they also can come in handy even if you’re able to remain at home.  Either way, with binoculars you can see approaching and potential enemies like zombies, vultures and Catholic priests.  If you’re out in the wild, you can spot possible food sources like deer, buffalo and Twinkies.  (Remember, deer and buffalo are great sources of protein, and Twinkies have a shelf life of 5,000 years.)  So, stop into a sporting goods store soon and grab some binoculars.  They’re not just for peeping toms anymore!

Survivalist Tip:  If you’re a minimalist survival type, then you understand the need for traveling light.  For the uninitiated, minimalism doesn’t refer to the art movement of the same name that began in New York City in the 1960’s when artists ran out of supplies and design space in the already-crowded Soho district.  This refers to those who can survive with the least number of tools and supplies, like military and law enforcement personnel.  Others, like celebrities and professional athletes, can’t function without heavy baggage and a large entourage, so they’ll perish in the chaos.  Considering that the Mayans built one of the largest and most advanced civilizations in pre-Columbian America without the aid of draft animals, wheels and Super Glue, minimalism is an appropriate survival technique.  I discussed the value of burlap bags in a previous post, but a large backpack or rucksack is better for those who plan to move about on foot.  It should be big enough to store such essentials as flashlights, batteries, snack crackers, bandages and, of course, chocolate and Xanax, but flexible enough to strap onto your back.  Understandably, you’ll get tired after hours of hiking and climbing over rough terrain, abandoned vehicles and the bodies of people who died because they waited until the last minute to prepare for the apocalypse.  But then, that’s why you have the chocolate and Xanax on hand in the first place!

Survivalist Tip:  Whether or not you live near a coastline, river, large lake or a sewage plant, it would be prudent to possess some heavy-duty rain wear.  I don’t mean fashionable raincoats (remember, we’re talking survival here!) but sturdy attire made of firm yet malleable rubber.  Heavy precipitation is expected when the apocalypse hits, and since it’ll be winter in the Northern Hemisphere this December, that means snow and ice.  If you live in Texas like me, snow and ice is also a possibility, but it’s more likely the Red River and the Rio Grande will overflow.  If you live along the banks of a major river, such as the Mississippi or Colorado, you’re just as vulnerable.  If you live along the Jersey shore, you’re probably not going to make it anyway, so just light a candle now and get your affairs in order.  Heavy rain gear, including hip waders, boots, ponchos and jackets will help to keep out water and snow; there’s nothing worse than trying to save your loved ones or your batch of chocolate while sopping wet.  If you’ve ever wondered why bikers and construction workers are able to keep going even in the most inclement of weather, now you know!  It’s because they have their treasured rain gear – and a beer keg!

Survivalist Tip:  Iodine is an essential element for basic human glandular functioning, so obviously the well-prepared survivalist should have iodine supplements on hand when the apocalypse hits.  You don’t know how long the chaos will reign, so the odds of your local health food store re-opening soon may be slim.  Iodine is required by higher animals like chimpanzees and dogs for proper regulation of thyroid hormones, which in turn, aid the metabolism.  Lower animals like cephalopods and humans need it, too, but mainly to keep from getting headaches, which slows them down in the hunt for food.  Iodine is found naturally in water, especially in very salty water.  But, don’t even think about moving near the Dead Sea just for the briny water!  For one thing the Mayan gods will destroy the Middle East region first, since that’s where all this Judeo-Christian-Islamic crap that always gets the world in trouble started 2,000 years ago.  Besides, they don’t have any chocolate out there, and you don’t want to live in a society like that.  Iodine is found plentifully in such places as Chile, Japan and the Mississippi River Valley.  These areas are the birth places of some of the world’s greatest civilizations, so we’re already in luck.  More importantly, iodine will be critical as you struggle to survive in the aftermath of the upheaval.  And, you thought it was just for cuts and scrapes!

Survivalist Tip:  Your home may have a basement.  In upper class neighborhoods, they’re called wine cellars; in middle class, they’re basements; and in lower class, they’re called tubs.  Regardless, a basement is a great place to flee in the event of a natural calamity such as a tornado or IRS audit.  But, after the Mayan apocalypse, a basement won’t necessarily protect from all the miscreants roaming the barren terrain searching for food, medicine and a working telephone.  For that reason, you’ll need to construct a bunker in your back yard.  Don’t worry about code violations or neighbors’ complaints.  They won’t matter when the Mayan gods return to Earth to slay the remnants of a world gone awry.  A bunker should be completely encased in steel and / or concrete and have enough room for you, your family, your pets, clothing, food rations, water and several vials of Xanax.  (You may be enclosed for a while, so someone in your party is bound to panic, and killing them is not an option is such a confined environment.)  A well-fortified bunker will guard against such catastrophes as a nuclear attack and, of course, the Mayan siege.  You can build it yourself, or you can contract a reputable right-wing firm to build it for you.  Either way, just build one!

Survivalist Tip:  In the upheaval of the apocalypse, many people probably will have guns, or at least slingshots.  Regardless, you should have body armor in your cache of survivalist gear in the event you encounter a gun battle with your foes; meaning any politicians or celebrities who manage to survive the fury.  Body armor is classified into Levels I, II, or III.  This means: okay, good, or invincible.  Obviously, you need to buy Level III body armor.  What?!  Did you think I’d say just pick one?!  Level III body armor is 100% stab proof, almost 100% bullet proof and about 82.5% odor proof.  (The latter figure refers to the ability of the armor to protect your skin from the foul smell of rotting carcasses.)  For the fashion-conscious, it also comes in 3 colors: black, ebony and onyx.  Not that you should care!  But, I’m sure amidst the tumult, some women or nelly gay men will make that an issue.  Black is my favorite color anyway, so I’ll be happy no matter what.  As with anything, you never know what the apocalyptic aftermath may bring.  It won’t necessarily bring any law and order, but it will definitely bring tax relief.