“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.”
Robert Staughton Lynd
“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.”
Frank Butler
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”
Bridger Winegar
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”
Winston Spear
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.”
Robert Godden
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’”
John Leo
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”
Kin Hubbard
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’”
Bernard Manning
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.”
Don Marquis
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”
Garrison Keillor
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”
Henny Youngman
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.”
Lenore Hershey
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!”
Anne Bristow
Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
Matt Groening
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”
Tom Armstrong
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.”
Catherine Tate
“Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”
Arlo Guthrie
“Nothing says holiday like a cheese log.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.”
Richard Lamm
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Johnny Carson
“I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
Steven Wright
“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.”
Sean Hughes
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
Andy Borowitz
“People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces properly if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.”
Ogden Nash
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.”
Roy L. Smith
“A good holiday is one spent among people whose notions of time are vaguer than yours.”
John B. Priestly
“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.”
Fanny Wright
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”
Dave Berry
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.”
Frank McKinney Hubbard
“One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.”
Grace Kriley
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”
Jay Leno
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.”
P.J. O’Rourke
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’”
Jim Gaffigan
“Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don’t care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It’s beyond belief! It’s insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn’t poking his ass into it!”
Lewis Black
“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’”
Marc Maron
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”
Demetri Martin
“Christmas: it’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”
Samantha Bee
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“It may be a cliché, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.”
Julie Burchill
You’d look the same if you had a Christmas tree stuck up your ass!
Top image: Charles van Sandwyk – ‘The Fairies’ Christmas’ – “How to See Fairies & Other Tales” – Folio Society 2018
Bottom image: Julian Clary
Chief Writing Wolf 