Tag Archives: Raymond

That Child

Everybody has that one (maybe two or more) quirky relative who defies explanation.  In my family’s case, that’s actually more of a rule.  But when my little sister, Mandy, would say she’d see people, we honestly didn’t know what to say.  No one likes to admit there’s mental illness in the family, right?  I mean…as a kid, everyone has imaginary friends.  But Mandy said she didn’t just have imaginary friends; she saw people.  It was cute – until she was a teenager.

Then it got scary.  ‘What’s wrong with Mandy?’ was a common question at family gatherings.  We couldn’t say; no one seemed to know…what was wrong with Mandy.

“We’re cursed,” Mandy told me; she was about twelve.  “Our family is cursed.”

“Yeah, we are,” I remember telling her that first time; thinking about the family events where someone got shit-faced drunk and started fighting.

“I’m serious!”

I tried to be understanding.  But when someone says your family is cursed – especially if it’s a relative who has a reputation for saying shit like that – how do you respond?

I’m the oldest of the brood, and Mandy is the youngest; four boys and two girls.  She was my baby; tiny even for my 12-year-old arms, when she was born.  I helped to raise her, along with my brothers.  Our parents were primary commanders, but I was second in charge.  My brothers were tough to raise – as you would expect with boys.  But Mandy turned out to be even more of a handful!

I don’t know what it was about her, but she could be so difficult.  My mother always said it was because we girls tend to cause drama.  Daddy would just sigh, as if saying, ‘Tell me about it,’ yet not wanting to be too honest.

I really can’t remember the first time Mandy said she saw someone who wasn’t there…in her bedroom.  She pointed to her dolls.  “Over there,” she told me.

But it was after our maternal grandmother, Martina, died.  “Mamatina” – the witch of West Texas.  Damn, that bitch was mean!  And nasty.  The droplets of blood from the garage into her kitchen said enough.

“You need to get out of here when you graduate,” my Aunt Nicoletta told me.  I was 18 and had just attended my senior prom with a boy who said he felt nauseous every time he stepped into our house.

“That part of the family is too strange,” Nicoletta muttered.  She was an in-law to my mother’s side.  “Everybody knows that.  They just won’t say it.”

I started saying it to myself before I graduated high school.  Only a few other people would say it out loud.

Especially after meeting Mandy.  “Our family is cursed!” she kept saying.  I don’t know how many times I heard that from her.

My father would just quietly bob his head up and down.  Marrying into my mother’s family was probably like an initiation into a biker gang.  He had to endure a lot of misery and, once in, couldn’t escape.  If anything, though, he injected a semblance of normalcy into the chaos.  I’m certain he was glad when Mamatina died.  Without making a sound, he let out a massive breath.  I could hear it through the moaning at Mamatina’s funeral.  Even the priest looked relieved.  In this instance, Mexican mysticism didn’t blend well with Roman Catholic purity.

What would Jesus do?!  Hell, what would Mother Mary do?!

I was certain Mamatina’s death would solve a lot of problems.  And it did – for the most part.  I had just earned my bachelor’s, and I noticed the air in the house had lightened.

Then, as I approached 30 and still not married, Mandy shocked me.  “I’m pregnant.”

This had to be a joke, I told myself.  But I uttered the eternal question: “What?”

“Yes.”

Raymond was a boy she knew from high school.  He wasn’t weird…just plain and ordinary.

“He’s the perfect one,” Mandy said, “the perfect father.”

I then said the next best thing, “Um…okay.”  I never knew what perfect was supposed to mean.

Raymond was present for the birth and even named the baby – Rose.  It seemed ideal – and appropriate: a sweet-smelling blossom with thorns and a blood red pallor.

Mandy’s fingers looked white the moment she gripped the rails of the crib.  Rose was about two months old.  “We’re cursed,” I heard her mumble.

I sighed – not too heavy – my head bobbing slightly.  “Okay.”

But it wasn’t…okay.

Mandy kept saying it – more than she ever had.  “We’re cursed.”  Our family was cursed.

Ordinary Raymond just ignored her, as he swaddled Rose in his skinny arms.  Rose never cried, just sort of grunted.  When she seemed distressed, Raymond was the only person who could calm her down.  He’d pull off his shirt and press her tiny head against his chest; the left side – where she could hear his heartbeat.

Then came that one Saturday afternoon.  I took some groceries over to the house for Mandy and Rose.  Raymond was at work, and no one else was there.

Mandy looked disheveled, but was notably calm.  I guess she’d been up all night.

That word – ‘cursed’ – kept running through my mind.

What does that mean?

“You know,” said Mandy.

Well…I did.  In some ways, I understood what she meant.

Cursed…that one word hung over me like a chronic itch in the middle of my back, while wearing a heavy winter coat and driving.

That baby…Rose.

Mandy’s child.

Daddy’s head bobbed up and down as he thumbed through the TV channels.

Finally…I looked at Mandy.  “What curse?”  After all these years, I had never thought to ask her.

Her eyes flinched.

Rose fell silent.

“You know,” Mandy whimpered.

The air grew heavy.  I mean…REALLY HEAVY.

Cursed.

Please!  I entered Rose’s room and approached the crib.  She looked…well, red.

Heavy air.

I turned back to the doorway and stepped into the hall.

Cursed?

What?!

Heavy air.

Really.

Heavy.

Air.

I turned around…looked at the crib.

Rose was quiet…still.

And – I saw someone.

Something sharp and cold plowed up into my spine.  That itch.

I felt dizzy.

There…standing beside the crib…someone.

Some…thing.

Cursed.

A curse.

Someone…some…thing…a curse.

Something.

Smiled…it smiled…grinned…at me.

Mine.

What?

Mine.

I looked at Rose.

Mine…she’s mine.

Her?

Rose remained still.

It grinned…the someone…something…standing beside the crib.

It grinned again.

Her…this child…mine.

“I told you,” Mandy said, standing at the doorway.

That…something…blood red skin.

Heavy air…really…heavy.

I could hear Raymond’s heart beating.

And Daddy nodded.

The something grinned…mine.  Its bony fingers gripped the crib railing.  Blood-red skin.  Mine.

Rose was completely motionless.

This child…the something said.  Mine.

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Appliances, People and Other Crap That Gets Old

Last month I had to buy a new clothes washer.  I came home from work one Friday and dropped my casual dress shirts into the washer, as I did at the end of every work week.  After a few minutes I realized the washer had stopped.  In fact, after it filled with water, it had grown surprisingly silent.  The thing banged a lot when in action.  But when I checked on it, I was stunned to find it still filled with water.  No amount of manipulation – which, for the mechanically-challenged such as myself – meant yanking on the knob (as if I was in the midst of a raucous masturbatory session) and smacking it (again, as if in the midst of a raucous masturbatory session).  Aren’t you glad you decided to read something today?!

All of that was to no avail.  So I removed the shirts and squeezed out the water and searched online for a repair place.  I found one, but they couldn’t fix it.  I paid their fee – and never heard from them again.  I filed a fraud complaint with my bank, which gave me provisional credit.  But they ultimately decided I was hysterical and reversed the credit.

I was forced to get a new washer – and change banks.  I realized the obvious: my 10-year-old clothes washer had decided to give up on me (at the financially worst time!) and I had to get a new one.  My long-time good friend, Raymond*, came in from out of town shortly after that.  He was here when I bought a new washer through Overstock and here at the house when it arrived.  It turned out to be much smaller than anticipated – suitable more for a dorm room or efficiency apartment than a hyper-clean single man living alone in a 3-bedroom house – so I was forced to return it.

I then purchased a fuller-size washer and had it delivered.  Before Raymond returned home, he helped me disconnect and move the deceased appliance into the garage.  I had to empty out the bulk of the water by hand.  We both laughed afterwards, as I championed the fact two 50-something fuckers like us could move a massive appliance across several feet and through two doorways.  Personally, it was the most exercise I’d had in months!

Not long afterwards, Raymond encountered his own appliance-related fiasco.  His aging refrigerator had started causing him problems.  He was able to get it repaired, but it was still an unsettling prospect for him.  His health problems seriously impact his personal finances, and in the wealthiest country on Earth, people in his condition have to budget tightly.

The image at top is from a series of text messages between Raymond and me as he lamented his refrigerator ordeal.  I couldn’t help but laugh loudly and told as many people as possible; people who are roughly our age.

At 15, my truck is showing its age.  The engine light keeps illuminating, and a headlight recently went out.  But it’s still operating relatively well!  Other things in and around my house are also becoming problematic.  My father had a fetish for scented candles, until I finally convinced him they were damaging the walls and ceilings with soot.  The kitchen sink had been causing trouble years ago – long before either of my parents passed away.  The water heater is leaking slowly.  My iron (my mother’s iron actually) committed suicide a few months ago in mid-session.  The roof has a number of openings, which allow squirrels and other small invasive varmints to enter and hide.  Their rumblings in the attic make me recall the mythical rat problem in “The Exorcist”.

Years ago my mother would tell me that life begins at 40; a rather common saying at the time.  She had just turned 40 when we moved into this suburban house in December of 1972.  Shortly after I turned 40 in 2003, I came down with the flu for the first time in my entire life.  The following April, I severely sprained my left ankle while walking my dog.  It had rotated as far as it could go without breaking.  I ended up on crutches and taking time off from work.  About 5 months before I turned 50 in 2013, I had a freak accident here at the house that severely damaged my right arm and landed me in the hospital for a few days.  If I had been alone, I probably would have bled to death.

It seems the start of every decade of my life coincides with something bad.  In the two months before I turned 30 in 1993, one of my closest friends died, and I contracted Hepatitis A that culminated in a hospital stay and nearly two months off from work.  Therefore, I’m not eager to see what awaits me come my 60th birthday – if I’m fortunate enough to make it that far.

A couple of months ago I was looking into one of my eyes in the mirror when I noticed a bruise on the outside of my left forearm, close to the elbow.  It immediately drew my attention for one simple reason – I have no idea how the damn thing got there!  And I grew alarmed.  Occasionally my parents would end up with miscellaneous bruises; marks with an unknown cause.  It made me recall an even more unsettling incident from more than two decades ago.

I worked for a bank in Dallas, dealing with high-dollar clientele.  Many of my customers were elderly.  I was on the phone with a gentleman one afternoon when he halted the conversation and began mumbling.  I asked if he was alright.  He then noted rather casually – almost too casually – that he was bleeding and didn’t know from where.  A colleague passing by my desk at that moment noticed my eyebrows pop upward in shock.  I asked the man if I needed to call someone for him, as in 911.  He said no, that he’d be alright.

Of course, a bruise is nowhere as serious as blood.  But I’m still wondering if I’m now at that point in time – the age where my body is subtly telling me it wants to lead a life of its own.  I’m not ready to let the bastard go yet!  Yes, I’m a writer, but I don’t want to melt down into a fat, grouchy curmudgeon surrounded by books and bottles of wine and vodka!  If you knew my present lifestyle, it may seem that way, but no one asked you!

Raymond turned 59 last month, and I told him I’m actually looking forward to turning 60 in two years.  I also told him something even more significant – we will age and mature, indeed, but we will never get “old”.  I certainly don’t intend to let myself reach that point.  Raymond has been through a lot in his life.  Just half the crap he’s endured would send most people into therapy or a talk show.  And I’m still here for a reason, too.

Broken clothes washers or not, I’ll go on until my power system decides it’s had enough.  In the meantime, I’m still on the lookout for anymore rogue bruises.

*Name changed

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Old (Dead) Friends

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Shortly before Thanksgiving 1992 I happened upon the obituary of a young man I’d known in grade school. He was 29 and had died after a “brief illness.” Another friend who’d, ironically, attended the same grade school (although we didn’t know each other back then) told me that term – “brief illness” – was code for AIDS. Well…sometimes, yes. Then again, it’s really no one’s business what takes the life of a person. Still, it bothered me back then. I had just turned 29 and, for the first time in my life, contemplated my own mortality more seriously than ever before. As someone who suffered from severe childhood depression, coupled with schoolyard bullying and alcoholism, I had thought about death a lot; a hell of a lot more than any kid normally would. But, when I saw that obituary, I thought about death and what legacy I might leave on Earth with a greater sense of intensity.

When my father’s family had its usual Christmas Eve gathering at his mother’s house that year, I asked a cousin who’d also attended that same grade school, if she remembered that young man. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “He died.”

Oh, yeah. And it’s cold out there. Rather matter-of-fact. The full scope of life’s brevity didn’t really hit until the following year, when a close friend, Daniel*, died of AIDS at his mother’s house. For the first time in my nearly three decades, someone close to me – other than a relative – had died.

In the ensuing years, I’ve lost a few more friends and acquaintances. I believe, when you reach the half century mark, life takes on all sorts of different meanings. Things that are, or are not important switch places.

About a month ago I decided to conduct a more intensive search on an old friend, Heath*, who I’d met in 1997. Normally people of my generation who want to find out what happened to old friends would either have to break out a Ouija board or scour a police report. But I did it the new-fashioned way: the Internet. No candles needed.

Heath was a quirky little character; all of 5’5” with bad teeth and a penchant for all things western. He also had a fascination with the Titanic. After James Cameron’s 1997 version of one of the 20th century’s worst man-made calamities, Heath became obsessed with the story. He saw Cameron’s movie more than a few times. Then again, I’ve seen “The Poseidon Adventure” no less than 50 times. I guess we both relished in nautical tragedies. We also shared a love for muscle cars and travel to exotic places. He’d actually managed to do the latter more than me; several more times, but I never held that against him.

I think I last saw Heath sometime in the summer of 2001, after I’d been laid off from the bank and had some free time to enjoy. It was the summer before the great 9/11 horror; the last bit of a romantic hangover from the spectacular late 1990s. Being that contemplative, soul-searching type that most writers are, I reacted like most people during the aftermath and began pondering the whereabouts of old friends. It’s what prompted me to reach out to another friend, Tom*, someone I hadn’t heard from in months. I’d eventually make contact with Tom, which culminated in a brief roommate situation the following spring, which turned out to be a disaster, but still had a positive ending because I ended up with his puppy who I renamed Wolfgang. In the midst of all that, Heath occasionally hopped into my mind. But, with my new job at an engineering firm, traveling and such, while still getting used to having a dog in the house, I had to make him hop back out.

He wasn’t the only one, of course. Plenty of folks from my past kept trying to work their way back into my conscious mind and very busy life. The health of both my parents became tenuous; I tried to get my novel published; my job started requiring me to travel; I resumed my pursuit of a college degree; I bought a new truck; I had foot surgery; my father got sick twice within one year; I got laid off from the engineering company.

Old friends? I just didn’t have much time for them anymore. I needed to start shoving useless crap out of my brain to make room for more important stuff. I know the human mind is supposed to be infinite, like star systems and Thanksgiving turkey. But there’s only so much I want to have inside of me.

So everything stopped for me, literally ground to a halt, when I found out Heath died back in March. He’d hopped back into my mind again, actually he’d been hopping into my mind for the past several months; as if really hoping to get my attention. He kept jumping up and down, almost yelling, ‘Goddamnit, man! I need to tell you something!’

Okay, okay! Damn! Some people just don’t know when to quit. But Heath wasn’t that intrusive type. It was kind odd that he’d kept coming at me so much over so short a period of time. That new-fashioned way of finding people you knew way back when doesn’t salve the pain of finding out they expired; it just delivers the shock more quickly than waiting on a phone call or the mail.

Heath had died back in March – no, found dead – in his North Dallas apartment. Found dead?! What the fuck?! I continually re-read the online obituary, hoping the digital verbiage would buckle from my shocked, angry glares and reveal more.

Who found him? What made them go over there? Apartment in North Dallas? The same one off Greenville Avenue where I’d hang out with him and other friends; talking about cars, listening to rock music and playing with his two small dogs?

The words on the screen could say no more. The photo of Heath posted alongside the obituary made him look almost menacing; it was unlike any expression I’d seen from him before. In fact, he was almost unrecognizable. That’s really why I couldn’t (wouldn’t) believe it.

That’s not him! That’s some other 5’5” guy with a natty ball cap covering his receding hairline who lived in an apartment in North Dallas and had a replica of the Titanic in his living room.

No, it’s not. It was Heath. No one else I know would have built a replica of the Titanic and keep it in his living room. The post said little else: he lived alone; he hadn’t been ill, so nobody knew what caused his death; friends had to pool together money for his funeral; no relatives could be found.

Is there a proper way to respond to something like that? If there’s a book on Amazon, or some kind of web site where I can find out, please let me know in the comments section below. Your consideration will be highly appreciated.

A few years ago I chunked my four high school annuals into the recycle bin. In the fall of 1978, I had been so eager to get the hell out of that parochial grade school near downtown Dallas and begin a new life at a new school with new people. By the time I graduated in June of 1982, I was filled with the same kind of excitement. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I hated high school even more than grade school; more than looking at myself naked in the mirror and realizing how ugly I am; more than going to a German wedding and finding out the open bar ran out of beer before the reception. But, in the intervening years, I did wonder what happened to the four or five friends I had in high school. I found one on Facebook. I’m sure many others just don’t care to bridge that gap between snail-mail letters and social networks that plagues people of my generation. Others may be in the grave, and I just haven’t found out yet.

Death figures prominently in my novel. I really don’t have a fascination with it. I just accepted long ago that it was another chapter in life. And I realized – after watching my parents cringe at the sight of old friends in the obituaries – that you don’t get up there in years without going through some bumps and bruises. Some of those bumps are learning an old friend died, and – like a job offer that went into your spam queue two weeks ago – goddamn if you knew about it until now.

My father got emotional a few months ago, when I culled the obituaries of the local paper and found someone who’d attended the same East Dallas high school he did, around the same time as him. In my father’s youth, it seems all the Mexican-American folks knew one another; lived in the same neighborhoods; and went to the same schools. They had to in those days, when people were placed into boxes according to race and gender.

That’s one thing I remember fondly about Heath: neither one of us liked to be defined by other people’s expectations. We didn’t fit into predefined categories that made others happy, content and satisfied the world around them functioned the way they thought it should. His other friends couldn’t figure me out and, aside from a fascination with muscle cars and sea-bound disasters, didn’t know what we had in common. That’s okay. I didn’t care for all of his friends. I’m sure he wouldn’t have cared for some of mine. I didn’t have nearly as many friends as he did, though. He obviously had enough to collect money to cover funeral expenses. Unless my parents were here, I don’t know if any of my friends would do the same. I don’t socialize with people much.

But I’m faithful to the few friends I do have. That’s why, for example, when my friend Alan* – married with 3 kids – tells me he needs to talk about stuff over lunch on a Saturday, I’m there. When my friend Raymond*, who I wrote about a while back, calls to say life has become unbearable for him, I try to get back to him quickly. Alan once had a bout with cancer, and Raymond still carries a bullet fragment from an attempted robbery. If I lost either of them now, I can’t just go out and get a new friend, like some people get a new computer.

I’ve gotten over Heath’s unexpected death, and he’s no longer bouncing around in my mind. He got my attention. That’s the thing about old friends. Eventually they become dead friends. There’s no other alternative. I wouldn’t want one.

*Name changed.

Image courtesy: 4-Designer.

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