I asked myself that question a few months ago, as I looked at my reflection in a bathroom mirror. It was almost a random inquiry; a sudden revelation after years of suffering with depression and alcoholism. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I can recount and have actually come very close to ending my own life on a few occasions.
How is it that I’m still here?
Recently I conversed with a younger friend who had turned 40 last year and is at a tough point in his life. He had spent nearly a decade in education before joining an alleged friend to start a business. This “friend” took the money he’d invested and abandoned the project. So now my pal is nearly bankrupt and has to resort to an Uber-type job to earn a living. We conversed between rides. The gig economy emerged after the “Great Recession”. I fell victim to it after losing my job with an engineering firm in 2010. It can be humiliating, as people struggle to find work.
As I described in a previous essay, I began fighting alcoholism in the mid-1980s. I still haven’t won – and I know I never really will – but I’ve succeeded in controlling it. Equally wicked and unrelenting, depression and alcoholism are perfect companions – global serial killers. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been impacted by either of these afflictions.
But people don’t always tell the truth about their lives.
Regardless, I still wonder how I’ve come this far. I’m certainly glad that I have. Between October 2024 and January 2025 I lost three of my closest friends. I’m at the point in time where I don’t count the number of likes I get on Facebook or Instagram. I count the number of people I’ve outlived. Then again, one doesn’t get to this point in life without going through a few bumps and bruises. And that means losing people we know and love.
How are you still alive?
I don’t know. Honestly…I have no idea. But I’m here – and I’ll just keep moving forward.
Chief Writing Wolf 
That’s a vulnerable post, I’m glad you’re still alive. My battle was cigarettes, but this time I have to stay quit because I was diagnosed with mild emphysema. I knew something was wrong hiking up these mountains in Colorado. Anyway, sorry to make it about me.
I’m glad I’ve kept myself alive, too! Sad to learn of your emphysema, Sherry. Please take care of yourself and please keep sharing those great photos!
I don’t know why either, for you or me. I have decided to make the most of what time I have left. I await to see what you decide to do with the time you have left.