Category Archives: Mayan Calendar Countdown

Survivalist Tip:  Get some mosquito nets.  You might have to flee your home and – especially if you live in a coastal area, or Detroit – you could end up outside for a while in a hostile environment.  This means bugs, such as flies, mosquitoes, gnats and former professional athletes.  These bugs can carry all sorts of diseases, like yellow fever, malaria and gingivitis.  In the apocalyptic aftermath, you can’t afford to deal with these kinds of ailments.  You can place the mosquito nets around you and your loved ones, mainly at night, to ward off those unsavory insects.  Place it around you and your loved ones during the day to camouflage you from any IRS auditors who might have survived the apocalypse.  That’s unlikely, since the Mayan gods will dispense with the least desirable individuals first.  But, stranger things have happened, so it’s better to be safe!

Survivalist Tip:  One practical food source – better than spam or rice cakes – is kelp.  Known by its scientific name of seaweed [weedicus oceania], kelp is actually high-class algae, but it’s a rich source of vitamins, minerals and proteins.  It’s why aquatic life has been able to survive millions of years, despite the garbage humanity puts into the oceans; such as sewage, nuclear waste and political ads.  Kelp is especially high in iodine, which is critical for proper glandular function and metabolism.  And, in the apocalyptic aftermath, the last thing you need to worry about is a gland failing at the worst possible time; like scavenging for food, or burying a loved one you had to kill because they panicked when their metabolism gave out.  Kelp grows along coastlines, so if you live by the seashore, you can easily snag some and freeze dry it.  If you live further inland and don’t care to move to a coastal area because of such safety threats as tsunamis or celebrities, you can purchase kelp in capsule, powder, or tablet form.  It’ll keep you going amidst all the upheaval – at least until your favorite pizzeria can open again.

Survivalist Tip: Along with your collection of knives that I recommended in an earlier post, you’ll probably need a machete.  These are large cleaver-like cutting tools used for slicing through thick vegetation.  The ancient Mayans cleared the jungles of southern México and Central America with flint versions of machetes and built their massive city-states.  Present-day Mayans just use chainsaws, tractors and sometimes goats.  If you live in or near a forested area and have to flee your home for whatever reason – flooding, tick infestation, unwelcome in-laws – a machete will be useful to chop through thick under- and overgrowth.  You can also use it to slice through protein-rich food sources like blueberries and grub worms.  Once the chaos subsides and you’ve eliminated some unnecessary vegetation, you can then build a new settlement – complete with a blueberry garden and goat herd.

Survivalist Tip: It almost goes without saying that rope is an essential commodity in any survivalist’s tool chest.  But, I’ll say it anyway – get some rope, damnit!  Lots of it!  Rope comes in a variety of forms, from clothesline types to thick mooring lines.  Of course, you want the latter kind.  Since prehistoric times, rope has been used for hunting, pulling, fastening, attaching, carrying, lifting and climbing.  Rope was critical in the construction of many nations; people used it for wrangling cattle, securing luggage to stagecoaches and stringing up Indians who wouldn’t kiss White people’s asses.  In the tumultuous aftermath, you may need to evacuate your home and therefore, rope can secure essential belongings to your vehicle.  You may have to climb up or down a hill, mountain, building, or a pile of dead bodies; rope will come in handy no matter what!  And, if anyone in your herd of followers becomes too much to handle, you can always tie them up with some rope and hurtle them into a ditch or sewer until they settle down.  Remember, just don’t threaten any Indians with it; they’ll be your only true friends in the new post-apocalyptic world.

Survivalist Tip: Duct tape is an indispensable commodity, so you should have plenty of it on hand when the apocalypse arrives.  While it may seem like a tool for the well-defined redneck, duct tape can be used for a number of things from hanging Christmas lights to hemming up a pair of jeans.  You can also use it to secure some of your possessions to the top of your vehicle, should you have to evacuate your home in the chaotic aftermath.  If the vehicle busts a hose, or the radiator pops a leak, use duct tape to repair it temporarily.  And, if the kids start screaming, ‘Are we there yet?’, just wrap the tape around their little mouths and shut them the hell up!  Social workers will be caught up in the pandemonium anyway, so you won’t be charged with a crime.

Survivalist Tip: It should almost go without saying that you’ll need a good collection of sturdy knives in your possession to survive in the post-apocalyptic aftermath.  Whether you’re fortunate to stay in one place, or you have to flee your humble abode, knives will provide a wide range of uses, from self-protection to grooming.  Obviously a knife is a great weapon for self-defense, if you hold it right.  If you grip the handle and point the blade downward, it’s much more effective in warding off an attacker than if you grip it like a dildo.  (If you’re accustomed to gripping both, then you can stop here; you already know how to take care of yourself.)  If you have to leave your home and find food, knives also can be used to kill and skin wild game, such as rabbits, squirrels and Koi fish.  This is not for the squeamish!  Looking into the eyes of a rabbit you’ve just slaughtered while carving up its hindquarters isn’t easy; but it could be necessary in a chaotic world – at least until the grocery stores can restock their shelves.  And, of course, a knife is a great tool for basic grooming.  If, for example, you need to shave after a day of hunting and fending off looters, poachers and relatives who didn’t prepare for the madness, just reach for the smallest blade in your knife collection and go to work with some warm water and soap.  You’ll be ready for the next day!  (This applies to you men, too.)

Survivalist Tip: Get a geographical map of North America that displays all of the indigenous nations.  Europeans like to think they were the first to develop maps with geographic and / or human-made boundaries, but as usual, they’re wrong!  The native peoples of North America had the entire region divided up completely – even the deserts of what is now the American Southwest.  Obviously all that chocolate and peyoté did some good!  You’ll need one of these specialized maps because, in the aftermath of the apocalypse, all post-Columbian boundaries will be eliminated, as North America returns to its rightful place on Earth.  Even if you’re not Indian, you’ll still be able to survive if you know you’re way around the land.  If you have no sense of direction and get lost easily, don’t worry.  With a map in your skeletonized hand, future explorers will know you at least tried.  If you’re Indian AND you get lost easily, then you just need to go ahead and punch out now because you’ve brought shame upon your people, and the gods will kill you anyway!

Survivalist Tip: Stockpile hydrogen peroxide.  Not for bleaching your hair!  You won’t have time for that in the aftermath of the apocalypse!  Besides, no one will care what color your hair is – not when you’re trying to survive.  Hydrogen peroxide has many more practical uses, such as a substitute for toothpaste.  It won’t give you that minty fresh taste, but then again, we’re talking basic survival here.  Hydrogen peroxide also can be used as a disinfectant and water purifier, which will be essential as chaos reigns around you.

So, with plenty of hydrogen peroxide, you can:

• Disinfect your tap water;
• Disinfect any wild game you might have to kill;
• Disinfect any cuts or scrapes you might incur from killing the animal;
• Disinfect any cuts or scrapes you might incur from preparing the animal for a meal;
• Brush your teeth after eating.

Since cleanliness is next to godliness, you’ll want to be as clean as possible in the presence of the Mayan gods.  And, there are few things more rude and classless than smiling at God with stained teeth and then keeling over because you drank some infected water!