Still trying to stay relevant in post-1980s America, former child star-turned-religious zealot Kirk Cameron has produced a comprehensive guide to helping boys become proper men. This might mean proselytizing about creationism and how women were made from Adam’s rib (e.g. a cheaper cut).
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Adding egregious insults to the devastation in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, the assholes from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas announced they will stage a protest this week during a vigil or victims of the massacre. You know, guns can be used to shoot adults, too.
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And, the best part is that you don’t have to think before you buy!
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“Those decisions for children who are conceived in rape or in incest will need to be made prior to the 20-week mark.”
– Elizabeth Graham, head of Texas Right to Life, discussing Gov. Rick Perry’s promotion of “fetal pain” legislation banning abortions after 20 weeks. The measure would include exceptions for women whose lives are in danger, but not for victims of rape or incest.
Texas Legislature’s Proposed Pregnancy Calendar:
Weeks 1 and 2 – Your pregnancy begins as your body gears up for ovulation and prepares for fertilization, a.k.a. “The Beginning of Life.”
Week 3 – As sperm meets egg, fertilization occurs and your child takes form – as a tiny group of cells. But, it’s still a kid, so start picking names!
Week 4 – That cluster of God-created cells splits to form the placenta and the embryo. The specialized parts of your baby begin to develop – including the heart where God will live.
Week 5 – Your baby’s heart and circulatory system are developing – this is God’s plan – and a home pregnancy test will confirm this God’s child.
Week 6 – Your baby’s face takes shape, which is the face of you and your husband (you do have a husband, right?).
Week 7 – Your baby’s brain begins to grow, so it will start to think how God will fit into its life.
Week 8 – As your baby starts moving in the womb, morning sickness sets in – but this is the price all women must pay for the sin of Eve giving Adam that apple.
Week 9 – Your baby is busy building muscle, but all you may want to do these days is take a nice long nap.
Week 10 – Your baby’s bones and cartilage begin to develop more. Constipation intensifies, but again that’s the price you must pay for the sins of Eve.
Week 11 – That adorable child inside you takes on a more human appearance now – the true face of God should be crystal clear on the sonogram.
Week 12 – While it may seem as if you’ve doubled in size with pregnancy weight gain, it’s your baby who actually has.
Week 13 – As the first trimester comes to a close, your baby’s about the size of a…well, an apple.
Week 14 – Your baby begins to sprout some angel hair.
Week 15 – Your baby begins kicking those little legs and flexing those elbows, as it fills with the spirit of God.
Week 16 – Your baby’s eyesight begins to develop, which means it can see any sharp instruments coming towards it!
Week 17 – Your baby is practicing sucking and swallowing as it gets ready to nurse.
Week 18 – You might start to feel your baby moving around, which will continue even after you get it into a church pew.
Week 19 – Your baby’s gender can be determined at this point. That means – especially if it’s a male child – your fate as a mother has been set. And, you can’t go back.
Week 20 – Don’t even think about it, bitch!
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As of now 20 children and 6 adult are confirmed dead at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Also dead is the shooter – some mentally-deranged fool who somehow managed to get his hands on a massive firearm. Amidst this horrific tragedy and the ongoing investigation, people on both sides of the gun debate already are lining up to stake their territory. This comes less than a week after a shooting rampage at a mall in Portland, Oregon; four months after a shooting at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin; and five months after a massacre in a theatre in Colorado. Yes, this is a uniquely American problem; as bad as budget crises and obesity. Yet, the gun lobby will inadvertently defend the Connecticut shooter by claiming he was a lone wolf who couldn’t be controlled by gun control laws anyway. Then, they’ll add that, if just one person in that school had a firearm, they might have been able to stop the rampage. President Obama will probably bow to them anyway, like most Democrats. But, it’s days like this that I’m glad Charlton Heston is dead and wish Sarah Palin would drop dead, too.
In the meantime, please think of the victims, especially the children who had no idea what hit them.
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“And, believe me, being from Texas, I can tell you that nobody jumps up in Congress to help Texas. They don’t like us at all.”
– Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, reflecting on her nearly 20-year career in the U.S. Senate as a Republican from Texas.
No one in Congress wants to help Texas? Really?! I guess when you have a redneck governor who threatens secession, you shouldn’t expect much help from your constituents in Washington. But, there are other reasons why Texas isn’t too popular at the national level. For one, it helped to elect one of the worst presidents in U.S. history, George W. Bush. He actually managed to push Jimmy Carter down into third place! Last week Hutchison and fellow Texas Senator John Cornyn voted against support of the United Nations Disability Rights Treaty. Cornyn also supported senate candidate Todd (“legitimate rape”) Akin of Missouri. In his final days as Texas Attorney General, Cornyn forcibly shut down the Tigua Indian casino on the grounds gambling is illegal in Texas, which effectively forced the Tiguas back onto the welfare dole that most White Republicans hate because it seems to attract too many Indians, Negroes and other undesirables. Hutchison and Cornyn also voted against Sonia Sotomayor for a position on the U.S. Supreme Court. Now, “Tea Party” Republican Ted Cruz will replace Hutchison next month.
I don’t know why the Lone Star State keeps putting these clowns into office. I voted for Cornyn in 2008, but I won’t make that same mistake again. I’ll never be embarrassed to be a Texan, but I am embarrassed by people like Hutchison whose idiotic antics keep a negative light on this otherwise incredible state. Believe me! There’s more to Texas than Rick Perry and gunslinging!
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Springsteen and Bon Jovi
Last night’s “12-12-12 Concert for Sandy Relief” in New York’s Madison Square Garden gathered some of popular music’s most notable figures and so far has raised more than $30 million. And, the money is still pouring in, with all funds directed towards the Robin Hood Foundation. New Jersey native Bruce Springsteen opened the concert with “Land of Hope and Dreams” and “Wrecking Ball.” Fellow New Jersey native Jon Bon Jovi later joined Springsteen for the latter’s beloved “Born to Run.”
The gathering of artists tilted in favor of rock music, but everyone seemed to have a good time and no one took themselves seriously. Among the performers were Billy Joel, Alicia Keys, Paul McCartney, the Who, Eric Clapton and the Rolling Stones. “This has got to be the largest collection of old English musicians ever assembled in Madison Square Garden,” Rolling Stones’ Mick Jagger said. “If it rains in London, you’ve got to come and help us.” That’s a nice comparison to a storm that killed more than 100 people.
Aside from the great music, there was some comic relief, too.
“I know you really wanted One Direction,” comedian Christ Martin said of the popular British boy band. “But it’s way past their bedtime.”
“You can feel the electricity in the building,” host Billy Crystal noted, “which means that Long Island Power is not involved.”
“When are they gonna learn you can throw anything at us,” said “The Daily Shows” Jon Stewart, “terrorists, hurricanes; you can take away our giant sodas. It doesn’t matter. We’re coming back stronger every time.”
The concert was broadcast live on 37 U.S. television stations and more than 200 others worldwide. Producers claim that up to 2 billion people across the globe watched.
Ironically, this concert came one day after the death of internationally renowned musician Ravi Shankar. In 1971, Shankar held a benefit concert at Madison Square Garden for the victims of Cyclone Bhola, which struck Bangladesh on November 11, 1970 and killed over 1 million people.
You can still donate to the Hurricane Sandy Relief Fund by going here.
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More Great Testicular-Based Rape Advice
“I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something: If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.”
– California Superior Court Judge Derek Johnson, after saying that a sexual assault victim “didn’t put up a fight.”
There’s nothing like an asshole wrapped up in the robes of a judge to make you question the validity of our judicial system. Fortunately, the California Commission on Judicial Performance has voted 10 – 0 to admonish Johnson publicly.
Hey, has anyone else noticed people who preside over courtrooms and satanic masses both wear black robes?
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