Chief Writing Wolf

Survivalist Tip:  Dealing with allergies this spring wreaked havoc on my immune system.  This happens every year, but it seems to be worse this time around.  Of course, I know why – it’s a precursor to the coming apocalypse.  With that I feel it’s important we all should add Echinacea to our medicinal supply.  Echinacea has become the most popular herb in American today.  But, unlike other herbs such as tofu and pita bread, Echinacea is truly American-made.  Indigenous Americans have used it for thousands of years.  Unfortunately, it didn’t help fight off the variety of ailments Europeans brought, such as small pox, typhoid and jock itch.  But, it did ward off bad attitudes.  How else do you think the Indians have survived the past 500 years?

Previously, Echinacea had been considered a treatment for scarlet fever, syphilis, malaria, blood poisoning and diphtheria.  But, it doesn’t combat any of those things.  It’s strictly for defense of airborne pathogens, although Muslims in airplanes are not among them.  But, science has proven that Echinacea does work to reduce the effects of colds, coughs and sore throats.  It possesses a variety of natural chemicals: polysaccharides, glycoproteins and alkamides.  It also provides a defense for the immune system against future colds and allergens. Echinacea now comes in a variety of forms: pill, liquid and dried powder for tea.  Any of these are effective, as long as it’s pure Echinacea.  If you happen to be outdoors – perhaps trying to flee to safety – you can identify Echinacea by the distinctive lavender or light purple color of the flower.

Regardless of how you consume it, it’s best to start loading up on Echinacea long before December 21.  That way you can laugh at all the bad attitudes that surround you.

Survivalist Tip:  Another vegetable you might consider adding to your culinary stockpile are cucumber.  If you’re already getting sexually excited, you’re either a middle-aged woman who’s finally reached her prime, or a lonely gay man.  Either way, take a cold shower and settle down!  Cucumbers are among the most widely cultivated vegetables in the world.  They are rich in lignans, a chemical that acts as an antioxidant, which I’ve mentioned before is essential to overall health.  But, research has shown that lignans in particular are connected with reduced cardiovascular disease and reductions in various cancers.  Cucumbers have plenty of other health benefits. 

• They help keep the body hydrated, since they are 96% water.  This assists in regulating body temperature and flushing out toxins.  They won’t help to flush out the lazier members of your posse, but you can use a cucumber to knock these people upside the head.
• They are high in Vitamin A, B and C and, along with other minerals like magnesium and potassium, aid in skin care.  Skins from a cucumber can even help reduce the trauma your own skin may encounter from sunburns, high winds and getting into fights over chocolate.
• The elevated levels of potassium and magnesium in cucumbers can regulate blood pressure.  Your blood pressure already will be at risk as you struggle to survive at the start of the new Baktun.
• Cucumbers, especially cucumber juice, can help with digestive disorders like acidity, heartburn and even ulcers.  Again, with all the crap you’ll be dealing with, heartburn will be a certain threat.
• With such high water content, they act as a diuretic.  This encourages the elimination of waste products from your body, like gingivitis and memories of a bad marriage.
• Cucumber seeds especially are excellent in combating tapeworms.  In the chaos of the apocalypse, water supplies will be in danger, so this will come in handy.
• The high silica content in cucumbers helps to strengthen nails.  This will be important should you have to dig a grave in a hurry, or cart off boxes of bottled water. 

Cucumbers maintain their viability for a long time, too, so you don’t have to worry about them spoiling right away.  Even after things settle down in the “New Universe,” you’ll need to maintain good health.  Bad memories shouldn’t linger with the shift in the Earth’s axes, but why take the chance?