Tag Archives: 2012

Survivalist Tip:  A fire extinguisher is a good thing to have in your household under any circumstances.  But, they can be especially important during the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse, when power and telephone services likely will collapse.  Therefore, if a fire breaks out in your house, you can’t just call the fire department.  You shouldn’t rely upon the fire department for something like that anyway.  Just as with the police, the fire department can’t be everywhere, so you have to take care of crises yourself.  Fire extinguishers come in various sizes, but they’re very affordable and easy to operate.  And, don’t just buy 1 one of them; stockpile them like you should stockpile chocolate and bottled water!  You definitely don’t want to use your cache of bottled water to put out a fire anyway.  The chemicals in a fire extinguisher are more adept at snuffing out a fire.  Besides, not only could a fire injure you and your loved ones, it’ll melt your chocolate!

Survivalist Tip:  I’ve mentioned in previous posts that you should have a cache of weapons, such as guns, knives and naked before pictures of lap-band surgery patients, to ward off looters, vandals, zombies, rap singers and other miscreants who might survive the apocalypse.  But, it would also be prudent for you to learn a martial art, such as tae kwon do or jiu-jitsu.  Most forms of martial arts are ancient athletic practices, and many societies utilized them as learning tools for both the body and mind.  In the chaotic aftermath, you’ll need to be both physically and spiritually strong.  Besides, nothing will boost your self-esteem like knowing how to kick someone’s ass and hurt their feelings at the same time.

Survivalist Tip:  Among the many things you might need during the likely power outages is cooking oil.  Without it, foods must be boiled in water.  There are different types of vegetable oil: corn, coconut, almond, olive, peanut and soybean.  Oil from the face of your teenaged kids doesn’t qualify.  Vegetable oil has been used as a cooking aid for at least 4,000 years.  The ancient Mayans used coconut oil to prepare rice, corn and chicken flautas.  But, they and other highly-advanced peoples of their time, like the Egyptians and Chinese, also used vegetable oil for health benefits.  Vegetable oil baths can relieve muscle aches, respiratory ailments and hemorrhoids.  Vegetable oil can even provide some sexual relief, but in the chaos of the apocalyptic aftermath, you shouldn’t be worried about that.  You can warm up vegetable oil in pots or pans over a fire pit you build in your back yard or balcony of your luxury condominium.  Keep it in glass or metal containers in a warm dry place to prevent spoilage.  It may be a while before power is restored after the upheaval.  Once things settle down in the “New Universe,” you can use any leftover vegetable oil for all the baths and sex acts you want.  Believe me – I’ve tried that.  It feels great!  Even if I am the only participant!

Survivalist Tip:  As a token of appreciation to the Mayan gods for sparing your life when the apocalypse hits and allowing you to continue into the next Baktun, buy some traditional Indian blankets.  I’m not talking about the flimsy ones made by kids in the slums of Mumbai.  I mean good old fashioned North American Indian blankets; the type used for centuries by peoples like the Cherokee, Sioux, Kiowa and Detroit.  They were hand-woven from the finest parts of bison and deer hides.  Of course, you won’t have to slaughter any bison or deer and try to make an Indian blanket yourself.  Just buy several from a reputable and authentic Native American shop or company.  They’ll keep you warm during the likely power outages that will occur on December 21.  Besides, they’re chic and fashionable; it’s how the native peoples of North America lived for eons before they invented centralized heating.

Survivalist Tip:  As I’ve stated previously, your home most likely will lose power when the apocalypse hits, so it would be good to have a generator on hand.  But, a generator may not function well; regardless, you’ll need to have some way to wash your clothes until things settle down.  It’s obvious you should have a stockpile of clean clothes as December 21^st approaches.  But, if you just have to wash some clothes during the immediate aftermath, grab a metal wash tub and a washboard.  This may have hillbilly written all over it, but you should have noticed by now that hillbillies never complain about a lack of clean clothes!  It’s also not quantum physics – fill up the metal tub with water, stick the washboard in it and grab some soap.  You can hang up the clothes on a clothesline in your back yard, or balcony if you live in an apartment or condominium.  Of course, since it’ll be winter in the Northern Hemisphere when Baktun 12 starts, it’ll take a while for clothes to dry out; hence the additional clean clothes you should already have.  Remember, the ancient Mayans weren’t just highly intelligent and industrious; they also kept their deer-skin clothing very clean.

Survivalist Tip:  Learn how to make an adjustable pot hanger with dead wood.  This is a good skill for those who will be on foot in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse and have to camp out at some point.  Every outdoor enthusiast should know about this clever little technique to assist with cooking over an open fire.  Find two pieces of standing deadwood.  (If they’re not standing, that’s okay; just make sure they’re dead.)  One piece has to be perfectly straight, and the other must have a V-shaped formation at the end.  Drive the straight stick firmly into the ground.  (If it doesn’t go into the ground with minimal force, then it’s probably a queer stick, and you need to find another one.)  Attach the V-shaped stick to the straight stick with rubber bands, shoe laces, long reeds of grass, or thumb tacks.  The opposite end will form a makeshift handle that will support your pot above the fire.  If necessary, bind a second stick to either of the forked ends to give it extra support.  I know this seems like a lot of work – and it is for someone who’s used to the microwave lifestyle – but it’s a vital skill to have should you have to flee your home.  Besides, chocolate tastes good even if it’s warmed over an open fire in a metal pot.

Survivalist Tip:  If you live in or near a large urban area like I do, then you most likely will be in close proximity to hazardous chemicals and materials, such as acid, butane, ethyl chloride and foreskin refuse from a Jewish synagogue.  With a possible axis shift when the apocalypse hits, these chemicals will pose an extreme hazard to you and your loved ones.  Therefore, it’s best if you amass a large quantity of gas masks to protect everyone, even your pets.  There’s a strong likelihood that heavy winds will erupt at the same time, so these will disperse many of those chemical particles.  But, until the air is clear, you’ll need that gas mask.  And make sure your chocolate is sealed up, too!

Survivalist Tip:  As December 21^st approaches, considering stockpiling large quantities of green bananas.  Bananas are probably indigenous to Papua New Guinea, but didn’t gain prominence until after Europeans arrived in the Americas where the fruit also grows.  Bananas are mostly water, but they also contain large amounts of potassium, which is essential for proper functioning of the heart, kidneys and the entire digestive system.  And, in the upheaval of the apocalypse, the last thing you want to worry about is a digestive issue, like incontinence.  You’ll have enough shit to deal with already.  I emphasize green bananas because you obviously don’t want them to ripen too soon and you don’t know how long chaos will rule. Bananas will help you survive the uncertainty – until your favorite natural foods store re-opens.

Survivalist Tip:  Among the many defense tools you should have in your arsenal is a bow and arrow.  While this may cause some to roll their eyes – which, if done severely enough, will lead either to blindness or facial traction – true survivalists understand even a basic bow and arrow setup can be a lifesaver.  Humans have been utilizing bows and arrows for thousands of years – mostly for food, but also for security measures and the occasional disrespectful child.  Any decent sporting goods store or hunting outlet will have a good selection of bows and arrows available.  Handling one takes some skill, but it literally can be the difference between life and death.  From a security standpoint, a nicely-shot arrow can take out someone trying to steal your food rations, like a politician or an in-law.  From a culinary view, an arrow can provide sustenance for you and your family; a deer, moose, or burrito doesn’t stand a chance against a strategically-fired arrow.  And, as always, an arrow in the butt will keep those bratty kids in line.  Since feminist liberals won’t survive the apocalypse, you don’t have to worry about someone telling you how to raise your children.

Survivalist Tip:  I mentioned in previous posts that you should get some hurricane lamps and learn how to build a fire from scratch, since the power in your home most likely will go out when the apocalypse hits.  Remember, you can’t trust the utility companies anymore than you can trust the federal government.  And, since those two evil entities are conjoined, you’ll pretty much be on your own in the ‘New Universe.’  Another thing you might consider purchasing is a battery-operated generator.  Notice I emphasize battery-operated.  A generator will keep some necessary appliances functioning smoothly, such as water purification units, floor fans, heaters and coffee machines.  Even a modest generator will set you back some $300.  But, obviously it’s another worthwhile investment to help you survive inside your home, as chaos surrounds you.  Besides, the low-frequency humming sound a generator creates will keep away undesirable creatures, like insects, rats and any fool from the power company who survives the upheaval and hopes to collect on your electricity bill.