Tag Archives: apocalypse 2012

Survivalist Tip: In keeping with my combating allergies theme, I suggest adding lemons to your stockpile of food stuffs.  People often mix lemon juice with honey and tea to help fight a colds, flues and nasal and chest congestion.  But, even by themselves, lemons are a healthy food item.  They contain unique flavonoid compounds that have antioxidants and anti-cancer properties.  The main element is flavonol glycoside, which has been shown to stop cell division in many cancer cell lines.  These same flavonoids help boost the immune system.  Lemons are also a good source of Vitamin C, which (as I’ve discussed before) is one of the most important antioxidants in nature.  Although it has a rather strong taste and is bad for teeth enamel, lemon juice (when mixed with water) helps to cleanse the body of dangerous free radicals (which can damage the body’s cell structure) and reduce fevers (which can ruin a really good day).

Lemon juice is also effective against malaria, cholera, diphtheria, typhoid and the heartbreak of psoriasis when it’s mixed with water.  With so many people likely to be mobile at the start of the new Baktun – either scrambling to safety, or trying to find abandoned chocolate bars – these ailments could be all around you.  On top of all that, a well-aimed lemon half can take out the eyes of an intruder or an unruly child.

Survivalist Tip: It almost goes without saying that honey is one of the healthiest things you could consume.  Obviously, I said it anyway, but what the hell!  For thousands of years, honey has been used to treat everything from arthritis pain to yeast infections.  I don’t have arthritis and the closest I’ve come to a yeast infection is bad breath; so I can’t speak for these claims.  But, honey also can be used to aid the body in healing from cuts, burns and wounds, as it possesses natural anti-bacterial properties to prevent infection and reduce inflammation. It’s probably best known for easing the symptoms of sore throat, but it also helps to limit the effects of a hangover.  Here are some other health benefits: 

• It’s a great source of natural carbohydrates which provide strength and energy.
• It boosts endurance and combats lethargy better than caffeine.
• Its natural sugars help reduce muscle fatigue.
• It keeps levels of blood sugar fairly constant compared to other sugars.
• It helps to boost the immune system.

Honey is truly a universal health aid – next to chocolate and a dog.  Just don’t call anyone “honey bear” at the start of the new Baktun.  You’ll likely end up worse off than anything honey can cure.

Survivalist Tip: Fending off these allergies is just a small price to pay for a happier life in the next Baktun.  The Earth is trembling quietly beneath our feet, causing the pollens and dust particles to float up into our sinus cavities.  While some scientists attribute this to fracking, our pets, farm animals and the insects know better.  It’s really a sign warning of the upcoming shift in the Earth’s axes.  That means at the start of the “New Baktun,” dust particles and pollens will be especially potent; making everyone sneezing and coughing like they’re in one big country and western bar, or the women’s room of a topless bar.  One of the best all-natural remedies to quell such a vicious reaction from the immune system is apple cider vinegar.

You may think of banjos and coal mining when you think of apple cider vinegar, but it’s a proven defense against sinus and chest congestion.  For centuries vinegar has been used for countless purposes: making pickles, killing weeds, cleaning coffee makers, polishing armor and dressing salads.  Anything that can kill weeds and clean armor can also definitely wipe out chest congestion.  Fermented with apples, however, it becomes especially potent.  As I’ve discussed before, apples are already one of the healthiest foods you can consume.  During the fermentation process, the sugars in both the vinegar and the apples are broken down into alcohol.  And, one of the main ingredients in the final product is acetic acid.  Again, if acid can peel the corrosion of your car battery, mucus in your nasal cavities doesn’t stand a chance.  But, because of this high acid content, apple cider vinegar isn’t a casual beverage.  It’s strictly medicinal.  Don’t sit down with a warm mug of it and a box of chocolates to watch your favorite crime drama!  You’ll have plenty of time for that after things settle down.

Survivalist Tip:  Dealing with allergies this spring wreaked havoc on my immune system.  This happens every year, but it seems to be worse this time around.  Of course, I know why – it’s a precursor to the coming apocalypse.  With that I feel it’s important we all should add Echinacea to our medicinal supply.  Echinacea has become the most popular herb in American today.  But, unlike other herbs such as tofu and pita bread, Echinacea is truly American-made.  Indigenous Americans have used it for thousands of years.  Unfortunately, it didn’t help fight off the variety of ailments Europeans brought, such as small pox, typhoid and jock itch.  But, it did ward off bad attitudes.  How else do you think the Indians have survived the past 500 years?

Previously, Echinacea had been considered a treatment for scarlet fever, syphilis, malaria, blood poisoning and diphtheria.  But, it doesn’t combat any of those things.  It’s strictly for defense of airborne pathogens, although Muslims in airplanes are not among them.  But, science has proven that Echinacea does work to reduce the effects of colds, coughs and sore throats.  It possesses a variety of natural chemicals: polysaccharides, glycoproteins and alkamides.  It also provides a defense for the immune system against future colds and allergens. Echinacea now comes in a variety of forms: pill, liquid and dried powder for tea.  Any of these are effective, as long as it’s pure Echinacea.  If you happen to be outdoors – perhaps trying to flee to safety – you can identify Echinacea by the distinctive lavender or light purple color of the flower.

Regardless of how you consume it, it’s best to start loading up on Echinacea long before December 21.  That way you can laugh at all the bad attitudes that surround you.

Survivalist Tip:  Another vegetable you might consider adding to your culinary stockpile are cucumber.  If you’re already getting sexually excited, you’re either a middle-aged woman who’s finally reached her prime, or a lonely gay man.  Either way, take a cold shower and settle down!  Cucumbers are among the most widely cultivated vegetables in the world.  They are rich in lignans, a chemical that acts as an antioxidant, which I’ve mentioned before is essential to overall health.  But, research has shown that lignans in particular are connected with reduced cardiovascular disease and reductions in various cancers.  Cucumbers have plenty of other health benefits. 

• They help keep the body hydrated, since they are 96% water.  This assists in regulating body temperature and flushing out toxins.  They won’t help to flush out the lazier members of your posse, but you can use a cucumber to knock these people upside the head.
• They are high in Vitamin A, B and C and, along with other minerals like magnesium and potassium, aid in skin care.  Skins from a cucumber can even help reduce the trauma your own skin may encounter from sunburns, high winds and getting into fights over chocolate.
• The elevated levels of potassium and magnesium in cucumbers can regulate blood pressure.  Your blood pressure already will be at risk as you struggle to survive at the start of the new Baktun.
• Cucumbers, especially cucumber juice, can help with digestive disorders like acidity, heartburn and even ulcers.  Again, with all the crap you’ll be dealing with, heartburn will be a certain threat.
• With such high water content, they act as a diuretic.  This encourages the elimination of waste products from your body, like gingivitis and memories of a bad marriage.
• Cucumber seeds especially are excellent in combating tapeworms.  In the chaos of the apocalypse, water supplies will be in danger, so this will come in handy.
• The high silica content in cucumbers helps to strengthen nails.  This will be important should you have to dig a grave in a hurry, or cart off boxes of bottled water. 

Cucumbers maintain their viability for a long time, too, so you don’t have to worry about them spoiling right away.  Even after things settle down in the “New Universe,” you’ll need to maintain good health.  Bad memories shouldn’t linger with the shift in the Earth’s axes, but why take the chance?

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I mentioned adding wine to your beverage supply, and since wine is made mostly from grapes, I wanted to discuss the value of them.  I know this is going ass backwards, but since I was a breach baby, that explains a lot about me.  Grapes are among the most universally loved fruits.  They grow on most every continent in the world.  They also are among the healthiest of foods you can eat.  Because of their high concentrations of Vitamins A, B6 and C, science has proven grapes possess many health benefits.

• Asthma – Because they increase the moisture present in the lungs, grapes can be used to cure asthma.
• Heart diseases – Grapes increase the nitric oxide levels in the blood, which prevents blood clots, thereby reducing the chances of heart attacks.  The antioxidant present in grapes prevents the formation of LDL cholesterol, which blocks the blood vessels.
• Migraines – Ripe grape juice can help to lessen the severity of migraines.
• Constipation – Grapes are considered a laxative food, since they contain organic acid, sugar and cellulose; therefore, they’re effective in overcoming constipation.  They also relieve chronic constipation by toning up intestine and stomach.  This is especially important, since you’ll have enough shit to deal with in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse.
• Indigestion – Grapes help cure indigestion and irritation of the stomach.  (Refer to above.)
• Fatigue – Light and white grape juice replenishes the body’s iron content and prevents fatigue.  Grape juice also provides an instant energy boost.  This will be critical if you have to jump on someone trying to steal your firewood or chocolate.  The anti-oxidants present in grapes also provide a necessary boost to the immune system.
• Kidney disorders – Grapes can reduce the acidity of uric acid and helps in its elimination, thereby reducing pressure on the kidneys.
• Blood cholesterol – Grapes contain a compound called pterostilbene, which has the capacity to bring down LDL cholesterol levels.
• Antibacterial activity – Red grapes have strong antibacterial and antiviral properties and can protect you from infections, including poliovirus and herpes simplex virus.  Polio isn’t necessarily a major threat anymore, but herpes could still be present among the hip-hop singers and televangelists who might survive the upheaval.
• Anticancer properties – Grapes are found to have strong anti-cancer properties due to the anti-inflammatory effect of resveratrol.  It is particularly effective in colorectal cancer and breast cancer.  Anthocyanins and proanthocyanidins present in grapes can inhibit the growth of cancer causing agents, such as tobacco and high utility bills.
• Macular degeneration – Grapes can prevent the age related loss of vision or macular degeneration and cataracts.  Three servings of grapes a day can reduce the risks of macular degeneration by over 36%.  Fortunately, they won’t prevent you from noticing the piles of dead bodies you might encounter on your flight to safety.

Grapes actually last a while, even in warm weather.  But, of course, they taste better cold.  This might be challenging, as power is likely to be out for a while at the start of the new Baktun.  But, don’t worry!  Enjoy all the grapes you can tolerate.  Your insides will be grateful.

Survivalist Tip:  Amidst your supply of beverages, add some wine to it.  This may seem counter to the survivalist mentality, but studies in recent years show that wine is actually very healthy.  Of course, anything in excess is bad for you, including (as difficult as it is to believe) chocolate.  Red wine in particular has been proven healthful since it contains procyanidins, which protect against heart disease.  It’s also rich in an antioxidant called polyphenol, which helps prevent damage to blood vessels; that in turn, reduces bad cholesterol and prevents blood clots. 

Here are some estimated benefits to wine consumption: 

• It has been associated with better lung functioning, especially white wine.
• It promotes longevity.  Research has shown wine drinkers have a 34% lower mortality rate than consumers of beer or liquor.  This may be because beer and liquor drinkers are more likely to smoke, which is definitely antithetical to survivalist dogma.
• It reduces risk of Type 2 diabetes.  Moderate wine drinkers have 30% less risk than non-drinkers of developing Type 2 diabetes.  This is because they’re not as fat.  Fat people will have a tough time surviving the apocalypse.
• It lowers the risk of stroke.  Moderate wine consumers have a 50% less chance of having blood clot-related strokes.
• It reduces the risk of cataracts.  Moderate wine drinkers are 32% less likely to develop cataracts.  Dealing with cataracts is the last thing you need as you scavenge the countryside for food and water.
• It cuts the risk of colon cancer.  Moderate wine consumption has shown to reduce the risk of colon cancer by 45%.  Your colon is essential to digestive functioning.  You’ll have a difficult time if you’re always throwing up.
• It slows brain decline.  Moderate wine drinkers show a considerably slower rate of brain function decline than non-wine drinkers.  In the “New Universe,” the Mayan deities will look down upon people who don’t have all their wits about them.

Keep in mind the above point are just estimates.  But, there’s no need to refrain from wine consumption, even in the aftermath of the upheaval.  Besides, not only does wine go great with chocolate, empty wine bottle make good water storage containers and defense weapons.

Survivalist Tip:  Today a relative of mine had minor knee surgery.  Minor, of course, is purely subjective whenever doctors put you under anesthesia and you end up with a full bladder and can’t urinate because of the anesthesia.  But, this reminds me of the importance of getting any elective surgical procedures out of the way before the apocalypse.  This includes wisdom teeth extractions, appendectomies, mole removals and halitosis treatments.  You don’t want to have to deal with the pain of the healing process while struggling to survive and keep kids, pets and paranoid spouses in line.  Emergencies notwithstanding, give yourself plenty of time to get these procedures done and then get over the agony of the aftermath.  And, from what I understand, recovering from halitosis treatments can be a real pain the gum line.  This also includes having plenty of pain medicines and antibiotics in your cache of supplies.  Pharmacies will be among the first businesses to be attacked by people who didn’t prepare for the upheaval.  If you do have the misfortune of encountering a medical emergency in the midst of the chaos, hopefully your medicines will stabilize you until you can reach a physician.  If not, just say to hell with it and make peace with the Mayan deities.

Survivalist Tip:  Along with your healthy supply of fruits and vegetables, I recommend adding carrots to the mix.  Carrots are not indigenous to the Americas.  Europeans brought them over, which like horses, makes up for the typhoid they also brought.  First cultivated in Afghanistan, carrots were originally purple, white and yellow, but not orange.  Dutch growers developed the orange carrot in the 16^th century.  Carrots are rich in carotenoids, an antioxidant that helps to combat cell damage.  They’re about 87% water and a single cup of raw carrots contains 52 calories.  Carrots keep for a long time, so you can stock up on them without much worry.  Don’t bother with baby carrots.  That’s like a baby bar of chocolate.  Are you kidding me?!  Carrots may not be good alongside chocolate, but they taste great either raw or cooked.  Besides, a well-aimed carrot can take out the eye of an intruder.  Just wash it thoroughly afterwards.

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday’s “Earth Day” celebrations reminded me of the need to recycle and compost certain materials.  But, equally important is what to do with trash you can’t recycle or compost, such as used napkins, 8-track tape players or politicians.  Dealing with trash is as old humanity itself.  Eons ago, of course, when the Earth wasn’t so crowded, people just tossed their trash aside.  Now, because religious practices demand people procreate like rabbits on Viagra (and those same people don’t realize how stupid that is), there are millions upon millions of us on Earth.  More advanced ancient societies, like the Mayans and the Romans, dealt with their refuse in practical, constructive ways.  Both had complex sewer systems, for example, made with and covered by stones.

Whether you plan to stay at home or head out on foot when the apocalypse hits, you need to be conscious of the trash you generate and leave behind.  Here are just some examples.

1. Hopefully, you won’t have any leftover food, since that would be wasteful, and the Mayan deities will frown upon you.  If by chance you do, try to use it as compost or fertilizer.  Orange rinds and apple cores are particularly suited for this type of disposal.
2. Baby wipe containers can be used to store and organize things like pens, knives and .45 bullets.
3. Plastic bags can be used to pick up dog waste; toss whatever food you don’t eat into one and stuff it in the freezer; wrap one around the head of the most uncooperative member of your crew.
4. Glass bottles and jars can be used to store water or other beverages for emergencies, or as defense weapons.
5. Metal cans could be used in pretty much the same way as glass bottles and jars.  But, they can also be used to scoop up water from a creek, or as a substitute for a shovel if you have to kill a bitchy in-law.
6. Plastic milk jugs can also be used for holding water and other beverages, but also to keep Xanax and chocolate pieces.
7. Cardboard like that from cereal or cracker boxes can be used as kindling, or for a last will and testament.
8. Fabric softener sheets can be used as air fresheners in your clothes drawers, or as last resort toilet paper.
9. Foil can be reused in baking, or to blind vultures circling above your camp site.
10. Newspapers can be used as fire kindling, or to wrap up whatever items you can’t recycle before burying deep underground.  (Note: this won’t work with relatives.)

Everyone has to be conscious of the trash they create.  Do what you can to preserve the Earth in the “New Universe.”  Otherwise, the Mayan gods will see to it you get buried with those bitchy in-laws.