Tag Archives: apocalypse 2012

Survivalist Tip:  Since today is Earth Day, I wanted to remind everyone that the ancient Mayans and other indigenous peoples of the Americas considered their environment sacred.  Most Indian nations believed in a “Mother Earth” and “Father Sun” type of ideology; that is, humanity was born of a union between the Earth and the Sun.  And, therefore, Native Americans respected and honored them as their parents.  It’s a great philosophy to have and practice each day.  So, as this Earth Day comes to a close, just remember how our ancestors revered the natural elements of their world.  It’ll be good for you – the Mayan deities won’t sling you into the muddy underworld come the apocalypse!

Survivalist Tip: Along with the mass of fruit you should stockpile, consider adding oranges.  Orange trees are not indigenous to the Americas, but they’ve become an important edible commodity nonetheless.  Oranges are known for high levels of Vitamin C, which – as I’ve mentioned before – is critical to maintain the health of bones, skin and cartilage and also helps wounds and scars to heal.  Vitamin C is best known for combating colds and flues, although there’s not much research to support that claim.  Still, nothing really beats the need for Vitamin C, and there is no better source of it than an orange.  Oranges keep for a long time, so as December 21 approaches, gather as many as you can.  Fighting a cold or flu is the last thing you want to do, while struggling to survive.  Besides, orange oil is good for the skin, which should please the narcissist in your group without the need to kill them.

Survivalist Tip: Along with the other fruits and grains I’ve mentioned, think of stockpiling tomatoes.  Tomatoes are indigenous to the Americas, although some Italians like to think they’ve always had them for their pizzas.  The ancient Aztecs first cultivated tomatoes in the 8^th century A.D.  They’re actually a fruit and not a vegetable, a fact that usually sends vegetarians into fits of denial.  Tomatoes now are considered a miracle health food, since they’re rich in antioxidants.  Lycopene, which gives tomatoes their red-orange color, is the main element.  Remember, antioxidants protect against heart disease and some cancers.  But, some studies have shown that lycopene is especially effective against brain tumors.  It’s obvious then that too many people lack lycopene in their diet – severely!  Don’t be one of those people.  The Mayan gods don’t look kindly upon people who deliberately put themselves at risk for stupidity.

Survivalist Tip: Continuing with the fruit theme, consider adding blackberries to your cache of food supplies.  Like blueberries (which I mentioned yesterday) they are indigenous to North America, particularly California.  The native peoples of the region – mainly the Calif and Malibu nations – used them in – what else? – religious ceremonies, but also for their natural healing properties.  Blackberry tea is good for chest congestion and coughs.  During the Civil War, doctors discovered blackberry tea could even help fight dysentery.  You may not face dysentery in the aftermath of the apocalypse.  Dysentery is so 19^th century.  But, chest congestion and coughs are likely to develop because you may be cooped up with several other people.  And, coughs are definitely something you don’t want to battle as you struggle to survive.  A bad cough just sort of ruins your day.

One cup of blackberries has about 62 calories.  Blackberries are packed with an element called anthocyanin, which actually creates that dark pigment.  But, it also helps with digestion and acts as an anti-inflammatory.  As with coughs, poor digestion and inflammation of any part of your body are issues you don’t want to deal with during the upheaval.  You can’t fight off intruders with inflamed hands.

Survivalist Tip: Consider stockpiling blueberries.  Blueberries are one of the few fruits indigenous to North America.  There’s no evidence the ancient Mayans cultivated them, but many of the native peoples of what is now New England grew and consumed them.  They often used blueberries in religious ceremonies and for medicinal purposes, especially in alleviating coughs.  Science has proven they were right.  With just 80 calories per cup and no fat, blueberries are rich in Vitamin C and high in fiber.  This will keep your energy at peak levels and your digestive tract regulated as you struggle to survive in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse.  Blueberries are also high in manganese, which is good for bone development.  That means it’ll be good for everyone in your posse.  Strong bones will help you fend off zombies, politicians and other scavengers who might survive the upheaval.  And, blueberries are at the top of the list in antioxidants, elements that help prevent cell damage.  Blueberries are good fresh, dried, or mixed in with soups and stews.  Native Americans even used them to make indigo dye.  But, as you’re wrapped up in survivalist mode, don’t worry about that.  You’ll have plenty of time to be fashion conscious once things settle down.  In the meantime, enjoy some blueberries.  They go good with chocolate, too!

Survivalist Tip: Previously, I mentioned you should stockpile bananas, as they’re a good source of nutrients.  But, you also should stockpile apples.  Unlike bananas, apples don’t ripen as fast and therefore, last longer.  Apples have always had a bad rap, since the “Garden of Eden” scenario in the Christian Bible.  But, since the Mayans existed long before the Bible, that rule doesn’t apply here.  Although the crab apple is the only type of apple native to North America, there are currently 2,500 varieties grown in the United States.  Europeans brought more varieties of apple trees to North America in the 17^th century, but since Native Americans adapted quickly to them, that sort of makes up for the whole small pox fiasco and anything Custer did.

More importantly, apples are extremely nutritious.  A single apple has about 80 calories and 5 grams of fiber.  Apples are also free of fat, sodium and cholesterol.  In the chaotic aftermath of the apocalypse, you’ll need a high caloric intake to search for food and fend off predators.  You definitely don’t need more fat and sodium in your diet amidst the ruckus.  Don’t peel an apple; about 2/3 of the fiber and lots of antioxidants are found in the skin.  And, don’t worry about making apple cider and apple pies until things have settled down.  You’ll have plenty of time for that later.  As long as you all keep your apples in a relatively cool, dark place, they’ll be good for a while.  I know there’s a bad joke in that, but I won’t go there.

Survivalist Tip:  I want to return to the outdoors for those of you who might be on foot when the apocalypse hits.  True survivalists know how to build a shelter strictly from trees.  It’s an essential skill for anyone trapped outside, especially in cold weather.  The comforts of home won’t be available at the start of the new Baktun.  If you expect they will be, stop reading now and say your prayers.  You’ll probably die anyway come December 21.  If you truly want to make it, however, here are some steps to construct a shelter from trees. 

1. Find the trees.  Unless you’re in the middle of the desert, or stuck on an ice floe, trees should be all around you.  You won’t actually cut down the trees because that would take too much valuable time and energy.  You’ll just gather as many branches as possible.  The best branches are from pine trees, but if you’re stuck, say, in the midst of a redwood forest, you’ll just have to go with that.  Use your knife or machete to cut some if necessary.  If you didn’t bring a knife or machete, you’re an idiot! 
2. Don’t strip the leaves from the branches.  This actually will form the bulk of the shelter. 
3. Find some particularly long and firm branches.  These will comprise the shelter’s base. 
4. Set the largest of these branches against a tree that’s still standing, preferably one with a relatively big trunk.  Plant the other end firmly into the ground.  Begin stacking the other more firm branches on either side of it, in a criss-cross formation. 
5. The remaining lighter branches will form the roof of the shelter.  Just place them across the more firm branches, forming a relatively thick layer.  This should provide some insulation from the cold. 

Of course, if heavy wind and rain come along, it could knock down the entire shelter, so you’ll just have to deal with it.  If someone like a hunter, IRS, or Bigfoot arrives on the scene, just shoot them with your gun.  If you didn’t bring a gun, what the hell’s wrong with you?!

Survivalist Tip:  Since today is the 100^th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, I need to emphasize that you should know how to swim.  I know that seems macabre, but we’re talking survival techniques here.  There’s a good chance, however, that you learned how to swim as a child.  If you didn’t, I don’t feel it’s too late.  Otherwise, you could pretty much resign yourself to a watery fate.  When the apocalypse hits, the Earth’s axes might shift, which could cause massive tsunamis to sweep far inland.  It also could cause dams to rupture.  Either way, you need to be prepared should you suddenly find yourself inundated by water. 

First, don’t try to outrun a tsunamic wave.  Anyone who hasn’t gotten out of its way by the time it hits the coastline, is either drunk or an idiot.  In both cases, the “New Universe” is better off without them.  Regardless, just wait until second before the wave reaches you and jump into the air.  When you come down, the water will catch you. 

Second, don’t panic.  More people drown because they panic than because they can’t swim.  One key to surviving in a post-apocalyptic world is to keep your senses about you.  This is how the ancient Mayans and their contemporaries around the globe survived in a hostile world without rescue swimmers, 911, or the Internet to tell them how to do basic stuff. 

Third, learn how to tread water and float on your back in water.  This is essential should you be adrift for a while. 

Finally, swimming can be great exercise as it’s good for your cardiovascular system.  Lounging in a hot tub with a beer doesn’t count as swimming.  Neither does water volleyball with a piña colada in one hand. 

Knowing how to swim is a basic, essential skill every survivalist must have.  The ancient Mayans often plunged into sacred freshwater cenotes and swam underwater for hours.  This is one way they connected with the deities.  Remember, water is the most critical element for all life on Earth.  You should learn how to respect and appreciate it.  If you haven’t by now, just have a piña colada and say to hell with it.  You won’t make it anyway.

Survivalist Tip:  One thing you have to check in your vehicle is the motor oil.  No vehicle can function without it.  It’s the single most essential lubricant for the engine.  If you’re starting to get sexually excited, stop and get hold of yourself.  On second thought, get hold of something else – like the wall – and start concentrating.  This is serious!  Motor oil has 3 primary functions: 

1. It prevents all the metal surfaces in your engine from grinding together and tearing themselves apart due to friction.  If you hear a nasty grinding sound coming from the engine, chances are your motor oil level is low.  Either that, or you were speeding through a school zone. 
2. It suspends all the nasty by-products of engine combustion, such as acid and insect refuse. 
3. It minimizes exposure to oxygen, which at high temperatures, can damage the engine.

Motor oil comes in 2 types: mineral and synthetic.  Mineral oil is a natural substance that comes from the Earth.  Do not confuse it with the type you use for cooking.  Synthetic – as the name implies – is concocted in a lab.  Since I place scientific labs in the same category as government agencies and utility companies, I don’t trust them and therefore, recommend you use mineral-based motor oil, specifically 10W-40.  You’ll have to change it more often, but it’s best for you and your vehicle. 

As December 21 approaches, you need to change the motor oil in your vehicle.  Regular oil changes prevent something called “Black Death.”  Usually when people think of “Black Death,” they conjure up images of medieval, rat-infested Europe.  But, in this case “Black Death” simply means sludge.  This is not the chocolate sludge delight you get at a chocolate festival.  This is the gunk that builds up in your engine when you don’t maintain it properly.  Similar gunk builds up in your intestines and refrigerator, but I don’t have time for that.  If your vehicle’s engine has developed sludge, you just need to have it flushed out completely.  Consider this an enema for the engine.  I know that sounds nasty, but I’m trying to emphasize the importance of engine maintenance. 

You don’t know how long it’ll take for things to settle down after the apocalypse.  But, if you have to travel a long distance, you can be assured your vehicle will help you reach safety.  Then, you can enjoy all the chocolate sludge in the “New Universe!”