Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

Survivalist Tip:  As I’ve recommended before, it’s important you have at least one firearm readily available.  Of course, no one really wants to use a firearm, unless you’re trying to scare off such pests as rats and political candidates.  But, fortifying the front door to your home is equally important.  Most people think of locks, chains, burglar alarms and ‘Beware of Demonic Dog’ notices plastered below the peep hole, when they’re asked about the front door.  All of these things, however, are merely deterrents.  You have to reinforce the door jamb, which is the vertical portion of the frame onto which the door is secured.  Of course, if you didn’t know what a door jamb is in the first place, you’re going to have a really tough time when the apocalypse hits anyway.  But, here’s how to fortify the door jamb:

1. Pry off the doorstop. This is the trim that the door closes against. Now find where the jamb has been nailed through the shims. Remove each nail and replace with a very long screw (long enough to reach a couple inches into the stud).  Once the screws are flush, put the doorstop back and you’re done.

2.  Reinforce the hinges.  Most hinges have short screws that don’t reach very far.  Simply replace the short screws with long screws that will reach all the way into the studs.  That will secure the door to the jamb and the house frame.

3.  Reinforce the strike plate.  This is the small piece of metal in the jamb that holds the latch or bolt in place.  Because the jamb is chiseled out to make room for the keeper, this is a weak spot where the jamb can easily split apart.  Once again, you’ll need to replace the short screws with ones that reach through into the stud.

Now, the jamb and both sides of the door are attached to the frame and make a formidable barrier.  That way you can enjoy your chocolate and beer in the true comfort of your own home.  And, if anyone dares to ask why you’re tearing up your door frame, just look at them like the idiot they are, point your gun above their heads and give them a dollar so they can buy some of their own damn business!

Survivalist Tip:  As utility services are likely to go down when the apocalypse hits, make certain you have bags of charcoal on hand.  Charcoal has been used for centuries as a cooking aid in most societies around the world; except what is now the Middle East where they used either goat dung or the foreskins of infant males.  The indigenous peoples of the Americas have a long history with wood charcoal, its original form, where they used it for cooking, heating and long-distance text messaging.  Smoke from charcoal-induced flames will ward off insects, spiders, celebrities and other varmints that manage to survive the upheaval.  As I’ve stated repeatedly, we don’t know how long power will be out, so charcoal will help you get through the cold and darkness.  Besides, charcoal-basted chocolate is heavenly!

Survivalist Tip:  A fire extinguisher is a good thing to have in your household under any circumstances.  But, they can be especially important during the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse, when power and telephone services likely will collapse.  Therefore, if a fire breaks out in your house, you can’t just call the fire department.  You shouldn’t rely upon the fire department for something like that anyway.  Just as with the police, the fire department can’t be everywhere, so you have to take care of crises yourself.  Fire extinguishers come in various sizes, but they’re very affordable and easy to operate.  And, don’t just buy 1 one of them; stockpile them like you should stockpile chocolate and bottled water!  You definitely don’t want to use your cache of bottled water to put out a fire anyway.  The chemicals in a fire extinguisher are more adept at snuffing out a fire.  Besides, not only could a fire injure you and your loved ones, it’ll melt your chocolate!

Survivalist Tip:  I’ve mentioned in previous posts that you should have a cache of weapons, such as guns, knives and naked before pictures of lap-band surgery patients, to ward off looters, vandals, zombies, rap singers and other miscreants who might survive the apocalypse.  But, it would also be prudent for you to learn a martial art, such as tae kwon do or jiu-jitsu.  Most forms of martial arts are ancient athletic practices, and many societies utilized them as learning tools for both the body and mind.  In the chaotic aftermath, you’ll need to be both physically and spiritually strong.  Besides, nothing will boost your self-esteem like knowing how to kick someone’s ass and hurt their feelings at the same time.

Survivalist Tip:  Among the many things you might need during the likely power outages is cooking oil.  Without it, foods must be boiled in water.  There are different types of vegetable oil: corn, coconut, almond, olive, peanut and soybean.  Oil from the face of your teenaged kids doesn’t qualify.  Vegetable oil has been used as a cooking aid for at least 4,000 years.  The ancient Mayans used coconut oil to prepare rice, corn and chicken flautas.  But, they and other highly-advanced peoples of their time, like the Egyptians and Chinese, also used vegetable oil for health benefits.  Vegetable oil baths can relieve muscle aches, respiratory ailments and hemorrhoids.  Vegetable oil can even provide some sexual relief, but in the chaos of the apocalyptic aftermath, you shouldn’t be worried about that.  You can warm up vegetable oil in pots or pans over a fire pit you build in your back yard or balcony of your luxury condominium.  Keep it in glass or metal containers in a warm dry place to prevent spoilage.  It may be a while before power is restored after the upheaval.  Once things settle down in the “New Universe,” you can use any leftover vegetable oil for all the baths and sex acts you want.  Believe me – I’ve tried that.  It feels great!  Even if I am the only participant!

Survivalist Tip:  As a token of appreciation to the Mayan gods for sparing your life when the apocalypse hits and allowing you to continue into the next Baktun, buy some traditional Indian blankets.  I’m not talking about the flimsy ones made by kids in the slums of Mumbai.  I mean good old fashioned North American Indian blankets; the type used for centuries by peoples like the Cherokee, Sioux, Kiowa and Detroit.  They were hand-woven from the finest parts of bison and deer hides.  Of course, you won’t have to slaughter any bison or deer and try to make an Indian blanket yourself.  Just buy several from a reputable and authentic Native American shop or company.  They’ll keep you warm during the likely power outages that will occur on December 21.  Besides, they’re chic and fashionable; it’s how the native peoples of North America lived for eons before they invented centralized heating.

Survivalist Tip:  As I’ve stated previously, your home most likely will lose power when the apocalypse hits, so it would be good to have a generator on hand.  But, a generator may not function well; regardless, you’ll need to have some way to wash your clothes until things settle down.  It’s obvious you should have a stockpile of clean clothes as December 21^st approaches.  But, if you just have to wash some clothes during the immediate aftermath, grab a metal wash tub and a washboard.  This may have hillbilly written all over it, but you should have noticed by now that hillbillies never complain about a lack of clean clothes!  It’s also not quantum physics – fill up the metal tub with water, stick the washboard in it and grab some soap.  You can hang up the clothes on a clothesline in your back yard, or balcony if you live in an apartment or condominium.  Of course, since it’ll be winter in the Northern Hemisphere when Baktun 12 starts, it’ll take a while for clothes to dry out; hence the additional clean clothes you should already have.  Remember, the ancient Mayans weren’t just highly intelligent and industrious; they also kept their deer-skin clothing very clean.

Survivalist Tip:  Learn how to make an adjustable pot hanger with dead wood.  This is a good skill for those who will be on foot in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse and have to camp out at some point.  Every outdoor enthusiast should know about this clever little technique to assist with cooking over an open fire.  Find two pieces of standing deadwood.  (If they’re not standing, that’s okay; just make sure they’re dead.)  One piece has to be perfectly straight, and the other must have a V-shaped formation at the end.  Drive the straight stick firmly into the ground.  (If it doesn’t go into the ground with minimal force, then it’s probably a queer stick, and you need to find another one.)  Attach the V-shaped stick to the straight stick with rubber bands, shoe laces, long reeds of grass, or thumb tacks.  The opposite end will form a makeshift handle that will support your pot above the fire.  If necessary, bind a second stick to either of the forked ends to give it extra support.  I know this seems like a lot of work – and it is for someone who’s used to the microwave lifestyle – but it’s a vital skill to have should you have to flee your home.  Besides, chocolate tastes good even if it’s warmed over an open fire in a metal pot.

Survivalist Tip:  If you live in or near a large urban area like I do, then you most likely will be in close proximity to hazardous chemicals and materials, such as acid, butane, ethyl chloride and foreskin refuse from a Jewish synagogue.  With a possible axis shift when the apocalypse hits, these chemicals will pose an extreme hazard to you and your loved ones.  Therefore, it’s best if you amass a large quantity of gas masks to protect everyone, even your pets.  There’s a strong likelihood that heavy winds will erupt at the same time, so these will disperse many of those chemical particles.  But, until the air is clear, you’ll need that gas mask.  And make sure your chocolate is sealed up, too!

Survivalist Tip:  As December 21^st approaches, considering stockpiling large quantities of green bananas.  Bananas are probably indigenous to Papua New Guinea, but didn’t gain prominence until after Europeans arrived in the Americas where the fruit also grows.  Bananas are mostly water, but they also contain large amounts of potassium, which is essential for proper functioning of the heart, kidneys and the entire digestive system.  And, in the upheaval of the apocalypse, the last thing you want to worry about is a digestive issue, like incontinence.  You’ll have enough shit to deal with already.  I emphasize green bananas because you obviously don’t want them to ripen too soon and you don’t know how long chaos will rule. Bananas will help you survive the uncertainty – until your favorite natural foods store re-opens.