Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I mentioned the importance of a tornado preparation kit in your arsenal of supplies.  But, it’s also important that you be able to recognize the actual signs of an approaching or pending tornado.  It’s obvious, if you’re outside on a jog, or in the yard planting azaleas, when some heavy winds suddenly come along and start sucking up stuff that you’re in the midst of a tornadic event and need to seek shelter immediately.  “The Wizard of Oz” is just a movie and doesn’t reflect the reality that you’ll get scooped up into a tornado and then safely dropped onto the ground.  It’s a more likely scenario that you’ll end up like that witch who got her ass flattened by the house.

Many people rely on their local TV and radio stations to tell them exactly when and where a tornado will hit.  That’s like relying upon the Audubon Society to tell you when a bird is going to crap on your head.  These people are what are commonly known as idiots.  They depend too much on technology and the government to make their lives comfortable and keep them safe.  They most likely will die in the apocalypse, which won’t necessarily be a bad thing.  The fewer stupid people around, the better the “New Universe” will be.  Besides, it’ll leave more chocolate for you and your loved ones.  More importantly, the probable shift in the Earth’s axes could spawn a plethora of tornadoes and hurricanes and knock out power utilities at the same time. 

I’m sure you already know that clouds filled with precipitation are dark blue in color.  If you didn’t know that, you’ve spent too much time watching TV or playing video games.  Tornado-bearing clouds are often anvil-shaped, and the actual twister drops down from the narrow point of that anvil formation.  If you don’t know what an anvil is, then – again – there’s not much hope for you. 

Many changes also take place in the atmosphere.  Before the tornado-bearing clouds form, the sky often acquires a lime green color.  Aside from a tie I wear on St. Patrick’s Day and freshly cut grass, the only lime green I like is mixed with Bacardi and Coke.  But, as the tornadic-type clouds come closer, the sky grows darker, almost black.  A black sky usually means it’s nighttime, but if it’s in the middle of the day, trouble is brewing above. 

Here are a few other signs of an approaching tornado, or tornado-bearing cloud: 

• Strong, persistent rotation in a cloud.
• Whirling dust or debris on the ground under a cloud base – this may indicate a tornado funnel that is still inside the cloud.
• Hail or heavy rain followed by either dead calm or a fast, intense wind shift. Many tornadoes are wrapped in heavy precipitation and can’t be seen.
• Loud, continuous roar or rumble, which doesn’t fade in a few seconds like thunder. A tornado also may sound like a waterfall, trains, or jets.
• Small, bright, blue-green to white flashes at ground level near a thunderstorm at night, as opposed to lightning flashes or strikes. These mean power lines are being snapped by very strong winds, which may be a tornado.
• Clouds moving overhead very rapidly.
• Debris falling from the sky; this is a really big sign of an approaching tornado.

Remember, tornadoes form in North America more than anywhere else on Earth, and Indigenous Americans lived with them for thousands of years.  They learned to recognize the warning signs of an approaching storm and move into their stone and concrete homes.  No, they didn’t all live in teepees!  If you believe that, you’ve watched too many damn John Wayne movies.  More importantly, the native peoples respected the wind and rain and realized those elements were masters of the world.  Adopt the same philosophy and you’ll survive nicely into the next Baktun!

Survivalist Tip:  The tornadoes that struck the Dallas / Fort Worth metropolitan area remind me of the importance of creating a tornado survival kit, which is akin to a hurricane survival kit.  Consider that the indigenous peoples of North America have lived with these types of weather phenomenon for thousands of years and you’ll realize how important it is to be prepared for such a disaster.  This is especially important, since there’s a good likelihood the Earth’s axes will shift dramatically, which in turn, could generate plenty of tornadic winds.  The Mayans and other Indigenous Americans respected the power of these storms and never tried to control them like Europeans did.  That explains why so many of the first European-Americans got their asses wiped out by a tornado because they thought it was just a funny-looking cloud.  And, since they’d killed so many Indians, there was usually no one around to say, ‘Hey!  Don’t be a dumb ass!  Get inside your log cabin!’ 

Below is a basic checklist for any decent tornado survival kit.  This may vary on whether or not you’ll be in your home when the apocalypse hits. 

Purchase or find the following items: 

• a generator
• a firearm
• a permanent marker, to print ‘This house insured by Smith & Wesson’ on the outside of your home
• a small radio, preferably self-powered
• a flashlight, preferably self-powered
• a medium sized pack of batteries
• canned food or power bars
• plastic bags
• duct tape
• bicycle or football-type helmets
• rain gear
• rope (mainly to tie down any hysterical member of your crew)
• a hand-powered can opener
• a few small plastic dishes and silverware
• blankets, preferably those made by people like the Navajo or Cherokee
• a phone
• bottles of water
• a first aid kit
• money (preferably small bills)
• a car charger for your cell phone
• any and all prescription medicines, mainly for the hypochondriac in your group
• spare sets of keys to your vehicle and home
• extra changes of clothing for each person in your posse
• any special food or medicine for children
• any special food or medicine for pets
• chocolate

I’ve mentioned most of these items before as necessary in your overall cache of survival gear, but it’s important to emphasize their significance.  And, don’t be a dumb ass when you see a tornado!  RUN!

Survivalist Tip:  In previous posts, I discussed how to build a fire, fashion an adjustable pot hanger out of dead wood and cook fish on a rock.  This, of course, is mainly for those who plan to be on foot as the apocalypse hits.  But, these are good skills to know in case you have to evacuate your home and head for the outdoors.  Along with those, you should also learn how to build a small game snare.  Since the beginning of time, humans have used snares to survive in even the most inhospitable environments.  Small game includes rabbits, squirrels and Amazonian tarantulas.  It does not include small dogs, house cats and miniature horses!  If you have any vegetarians in your group, tell them they’re on their own.  Snares are not suitable for capturing apples, potatoes and corn cobs.

The most common type is the “Trigger Spring Snare,” which has 4 components:

1. The Noose (made from some kind of cordage–preferably wire);
2. The 2 Part Trigger (carved from wood);
3. The Leader Line (also made from some kind of cordage);
4. The Engine (typically a bent-over sapling).

The most effective noose material is wire.  There are many different types of wire that will work, but it must be flexible.  Some examples are:

• Twisted copper strands from the inside of a lamp, power cords from toasters, microwave ovens, irons, or heavy-duty vibrators
• Picture hanging wire
• Stripped wire from car or vehicle electrical systems
• Craft wire
• Headphone wire
• Wire from a spiral bound note pad
• Wire reinforced bras (make certain no one is wearing it at the time)
• Wire from inside electronics such as toys, phones and radios

If you don’t have any wire, here are some alternatives:

• The inner strands from 550 Parachute Cord
• Shoe strings
• Dental floss
• Fishing line

The average length of your noose cord needs to be 18-24 inches for most small game animals.  To construct your noose you need to make a small loop in one end about the diameter of a pencil.  With wire you can simple make the loop and twist the wire back on itself several times.  With string, simply fold the end back onto itself and tie an overhand knot to secure the loop.

Run the other end of the cord/wire through the loop to create the noose.  Then, tie the tag end to your trigger.

The trigger consists of 2 parts: the Hook and the base.  Tie the Leader Line to the top of the Hook and then tie the Noose to the bottom of the Hook.  The Engine (typically a bent over sapling) provides tension to the Hook, which is secured under the Base – until an animal disengages it by pulling on the Noose.  (If some unsuspecting fool like a politician or a reality show TV star triggers the noose, don’t be too upset.)  The Leader Line from the Hook to the Engine can be any type of cordage, but it needs to be strong enough to withstand the initial “spring jerk” and then the weight of the suspended (and struggling) animal.

Every environment is different and unique.  There may not be a sapling to bend over along a game trail.  Or, you may be in the middle of a prairie, field, or desert where there are no trees.  If so, you must improvise – use your bow and arrow set to start shooting wild game.  If you don’t have one, then resign yourself to a slow, miserable death and give your pathetic, helpless soul to the Mayan deities!

Survivalist Tip:  For some reason, biologists decided to jump from E to K when naming vitamins.  It’s almost as senseless as the Jewish rite of circumcision, but at least no helpless babies are butchered so their already-overweight grandmothers can have something else to eat.  Vitamin K is known as the clotting vitamin because, without it, well…blood wouldn’t clot.  Vitamin K also helps maintain strong bones in elderly people.  Therefore, it – like all the other vitamins – is a critical piece of your survivalist cache.  It’s found mostly in leafy green vegetables, such as kale and spinach, but also in broccoli and cauliflower.  Fish, liver, meat, eggs and some cereal grains also contain Vitamin K, although in smaller amounts.  In the chaotic aftermath of the apocalypse, you may find yourself in the struggle for survival over food, water and chocolate.  There’s a good chance you’ll have to beat the crap out of someone just to stay alive.  Healthy intakes of Vitamin K, therefore, will prevent you from bruising and bleeding easily.  The ancient Mayans had strong bones and tough skins thanks to a healthy, vitamin-rich diet.  It’s why their descendants are still alive today and more than ready for the start of Baktun 12.  If they’d maintained a diet of communion wafers and red wine like Roman Catholic priests had wanted them to do, they all would have died out long ago!

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin E refers to a group of 8 fat-soluble compounds, each with its own name that – like most everything from a biologist’s mind – makes absolutely no sense.  But, Vitamin E is best known as an antioxidant, which I previously mentioned protects against such calamities as radiation and second-hand smoke.  Actually, radiation is a genuine calamity; second-hand smoke can be eliminated easily by taking out the smoker.  Since Vitamin E is good for the immune system and metabolic processes, you’d best have some in your survival supply.  Natural food sources include leafy green vegetables, nuts, seeds and vegetable oil.  People with certain disorders like liver disease may need extra doses of Vitamin E.  People with other disorders like a bad attitude can’t be helped, even with heavy doses of Vitamin E, so it’s best just to boot them out of your posse and let them fend for themselves.  The chaos of the new Baktun will require enough of your attention and energy without the need to bitch-slap some fool in the group.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin D is actually a rarity in the vitamin world, found in only a few foods; mainly fish, eggs, milk and cod liver oil.  Five forms of Vitamin D have been identified: 1 – 5.  (Scientists were too excited to give them individual names.)  Vitamin D’s basic function is to maintain normal blood levels of calcium and phosphorus.  As you know, calcium is a critical element in the health of bones and teeth.  Phosphorus is an element represented by the letter “P” (as if that wasn’t obvious); it is essential to all life forms because it helps to extract energy from food, particularly fats and starches.  It speeds up the healing process and works with calcium to strengthen bones.  Strong bones will be of the utmost importance as you struggle to survive in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse.  Strong bones will help you search for food, build fires in the outdoors to cook it and beat the crap out of anybody that tries to steal that food.  The ancient Mayans – as short and stocky as they were – had incredibly strong bones.  How else do you think they were able to build those massive pyramids without draft animals?  Therefore, it’s important that you a ready supply of Vitamin D in your cache of goods.  You may not build any pyramids, but strong bones will come in handy when you remodel your house after the axes switch.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin C is one of the best vitamins for normal physical growth and development.  That, of course, leads to normal spiritual growth and development, which explains why a lot of Jews, Christians and Muslims are Vitamin C-deficient.  Therefore, make certain you have a good supply of Vitamin C in your survival stockpile.  The human body neither produces nor stores Vitamin C, so you’ll have to consume it through natural food sources, such as fruits and vegetables, or capsules.  Vitamin C helps to heal from wounds and form scar tissue.  It contains free radicals which can assist you in combating such things as tobacco smoke, radiation and stupidity.  Radiation may be present when the axes shift, which will throw power plants off-line and upend garbage dumps.  Stupidity, of course, is a perennial problem, so you have to be on guard for that regardless of what happens.  But, with plentiful sources of Vitamin C in your arsenal, you can handle any dilemma.

Survivalist Tip:  Vitamin B should be another essential element in your stockpile of supplies, whether in capsule form or in your overall food cache.  Vitamin B is actually a complex of 8 water soluble vitamins, meaning they go good with water.  I’m sure they also go good with chocolate and beer, but that’s for another discussion.  Here’s a basic breakdown of Vitamin B:

B1 helps prevent heart swelling, leg cramps and muscular weakness.  These are ailments you definitely don’t need to endure, in case you have to fight intruders and in-laws over food supplies.  Rich food sources include liver, heart and kidney meats; eggs, leafy green vegetables, nuts, legumes, berries, wheat germs and cereals.  Some believe thiamine helps protect against alcoholism, which is good for depression, stress and anxiety.  It is also said to improve mental ability and to help indigestion.  Of course, chocolate also guards against depression and anxiety, but try to have some B1 on hand.

B2, or riboflavin, helps metabolize fats, carbohydrates and respiratory proteins, and prevents skin lesions and light sensitivity.  In the aftermath of the apocalypse, with the axes shifting and bodies decaying later on, air and natural light may be problematic.  Riboflavins are abundant in mushrooms, milk, meat, liver, dark green vegetables and enriched cereals, pasta and bread.

B3, also known as niacin, vitamin P, or vitamin PP, helps release energy from nutrients.  It can reduce cholesterol and prevent and treat arteriosclerosis.  Deficiency can result in pellagra, a disease with symptoms that include sunburn, diarrhea, irritability, swollen tongue and mental confusion.  You’ll be irritable enough after the upheaval and you certainly don’t want to grow confused while trying to survive. Food sources rich in B3 are chicken, salmon, tuna, liver, nuts, dried peas, enriched cereals and dried beans.

B5 helps metabolize fats, carbohydrates and proteins.  Deficiency can result in fatigue, allergies, nausea and abdominal pain.  I don’t think allergies will be a problem in the new Baktun.  The ancient Mayans didn’t suffer much from them and neither do their contemporaries.  One benefit to the shift in axes will include a refreshed environment.  B5 is most abundant in eggs, whole grain cereals, legumes and meat.

B6 helps the body to absorb and metabolize amino acids, to use fats and to form red blood cells.  Deficiency may result in skin disorders, dizziness, nausea, anemia, convulsions and kidney stones.  Amidst all the crap you’ll be dealing with, dizziness and kidney stones shouldn’t be among them.  Whole grains, bread, liver, green beans, spinach, avocadoes, and bananas are rich food sources for B6.

B7, also known as Biotin or vitamin H, helps form fatty acids and assists in the release of energy from carbohydrates.  Although B7 deficiency is unknown in humans, you can never have enough energy at the start of the new Baktun.

B9, known as folic acid, vitamin M or vitamin B-c, enables the body to form hemoglobin, which helps treat anemia.  Food sources include leafy green vegetables, nuts, whole grains, legumes and organ meats, such as liver and pig’s tongue.  Although B9 deficiency is rare, folic acid is lost when foods are stored at room temperature or cooked.  It’s especially important to pregnant women; therefore, if anyone in your posse is pregnant, make sure they’re consuming plenty of B9-rich foods.  This doesn’t include people who feel or look pregnant, in other words fat asses. 

Vitamin B12, also known as Cobalamin or Cyanocobalamin, assists the function of the nervous system and the formation of red blood cells.  Some in your household may be nervous in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse, but instead of shooting them, make sure they start consuming large quantities of B12.  They could then turn into productive members of the group.  If they refuse, then it’s okay to shoot them.  B12 can only be found in animal sources such as eggs, milk, fish, meat and liver.  Vegetarians are at particular risk for B12 deficiencies.  Although I’m somewhat carnivorous in nature, I love vegetarians.  I eat one every day!

Survivalist Tip:  You should have plenty of vitamin A on hand.  Vitamin A is known as Retinol, which refers to the retina.  This means obviously that it’s good for the eyes.  And, in the chaos of the apocalypse aftermath, your eyesight will be extremely crucial.  Keen eyesight will help you locate food, medicine, chocolate and other essentials, as well as helping to prevent you from falling victim to such varmints as zombies and any reality TV show cast members who should survive.  The ancient Mayans valued keen eyesight in their jungle environment.  Remember, they helped refine the first writing system to develop in the Western Hemisphere.  With eyesight like that, you’ll always be safe!

Survivalist Tip:  I’d mentioned in previous posts that you should stockpile corn and rice in preparation for the apocalypse, since both are good basic sustenance foods.  Beans are another such item.  Beans are of unknown origin, probably first cultivated in Afghanistan and Egypt about 4,000 years ago.  Egypt continued growing bean stalks, while Afghanistan switched to poppy plants – and look what happened!  But, beans also were cultivated in ancient American societies, most notably in present-day Peru, but also in Guatemala.  Guatemala, of course, is where the Mayans were deposited from the Heavens.  Beans are easy to store and even easier to cook.  Like corn and rice, beans are high in starch, but more importantly, high in protein.  Protein, as I’ve mentioned more than once, will be critical in the immediate aftermath of the upheaval.  A meal of corn, rice and beans is a great way to stay healthy in the uncertain days following December 21.  And, don’t worry about any gas – that shit will just pass!