Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

March 6, 2012 – 289 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  I had to replace a tire on my truck this morning, which reminded me how important a vehicle is – especially a large one.  If you have to flee your home when the apocalypse hits, it’s best to be in a sturdy vehicle, such as a big truck, instead of something like a Toyota Camry or a “Smart Car.”  I don’t care how environmentally conscious you may be; those puny runts won’t be too efficient when chaos erupts all around you!  I have “Hot Wheels” bigger than those things!  (No, I don’t play with “Hot Wheels” anymore.)  But, I recommend investing in a large truck.  You can store your most important survival gear in the bed of it: water, food rations, rope, chocolate and Xanax.  Even really big trucks get good gas mileage these days, which will be critical as you traverse the barren wasteland.  Besides, if any zombies in a “Smart Car” try to cause trouble, you can run their ass off the road!

 

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March 5, 2012 – 290 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  I missed posting yesterday’s survivalist tip, so here it is: don’t leave anything out!  As you prepare for the apocalypse, start making a list of everything you’ll need.  Whether you think you’ll be able to stay in your home, or you know you’ll be heading out on foot, just compose a complete and thorough written inventory of all your essential supplies.  Even after things settle down, keep that list handy.  Your descendants might need it for Baktun 13 – 26,000 years from now.

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March 4, 2012 – 291 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  If you plan to stay in your house during the apocalypse, consider getting some barbed wire to place strategically around your property.  Barbed wire is a uniquely American invention; developed from the need of farmers and ranchers to keep unsavory characters from encroaching on their land, such as government officials and traveling preachers.  Barbed wire is still in use today – pretty much for the same thing – to keep in livestock and keep out government officials and traveling preachers.  During the upheaval, a number of vagabonds undoubtedly will try to descend upon your home and take what’s yours.  This has been an ongoing battle in the United States anyway, starting with Columbus.  Just ask any Indian!  (But, not before happy hour.)  Regardless, barbed wire will provide a great deal of secure protection for you and your family, as chaos erupts around you.  You can then enjoy your chocolate and beer until things settle down.

 

 

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March 3, 2012 – 292 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  If you have to evacuate your home when the apocalypse hits, or if you’ll be on foot anyway, one thing you might consider taking with you is cactus juice.  For centuries the indigenous peoples of what are now Latin America and the American Southwest have used cactus juice as a nutritional source.  Now scientific research has proven there are actual benefits to it.  For one thing cactus juice is rich in a rare antioxidant called betalain, which is actually the pigment that gives the prickly pears that attractive reddish pink color.  But, altogether juice from the prickly pear cactus can:

  • Decrease inflammation, the leading cause of pain in the body
  • Cleanse cells of harmful toxins
  • Reduce swelling in the joints and muscles
  • Improve breathing
  • Ward off annoying relatives

Whether you’ll be in your home or traversing the barren wasteland, you must be in peak physical condition.  It’s one reason why the native peoples of the Americas could survive so long in a harsh environment, often without running fresh water or coffee shops.  The strength provided by cactus juice also helped Native Americans stave off some of the diseases brought by the first Europeans, such as jock itch and Catholicism.  Therefore, it’ll be an essential tool in your arsenal, as you struggle to survive in a post-apocalyptic world.  With all you have to worry about, annoying relatives trying to take your food shouldn’t be one of them.

 

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March 2, 2012 – 293 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  If you already live in a well-built house in a good neighborhood, you probably won’t have to flee when the apocalypse hits.  Some areas – like South Dallas; Miami’s Little Haiti; Hollywood, CA; and just about all of Detroit – aren’t even safe now, so those residents should start planning to evacuate now.  But, if you do plan to stay in your home, please make certain your windows are fortified.  Obviously windows are vulnerable because of the glass, but not if they’re made with “cellular composite technology.”  No, CCT glass isn’t developed from stem cells, so you pro-life advocates just settle down and hear me out!  CCT glass – or what I simply call butt glass – is made with tissue excised from obese people during weight reduction surgeries.  And, since there’s been an obesity epidemic in this country for years, there’s no shortage of supply.  Tissue from one fat person can secure windows for a four-bedroom home!  If you live in a multi-room estate, you’ll probably need at least 5 lard-asses to retrofit all the windows.  Yet, this will be an essential, worthwhile investment.  Unlike standard glass, butt glass bends and stretches without breaking.  Thus, if the Earth shakes and heavy winds blow – which mostly like will happen when the Mayan gods arise – your butt glass windows will keep you and your loved ones safe.  And, with everything else going crazy, you don’t want to worry about any unexpected cracks!

 

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March 1, 2012 – 294 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  Since it’s the 1st of March, I want to address those folks who plan to take off on foot somewhere once the apocalypse strikes.  You already understand the need for traveling light, but I want to make certain you understand that hiking and climbing for long distances can be tiresome, especially if you’re out of shape and / or you’ve stored too much into your backpack.  First, you have to get into shape, which means moving around more than between the refrigerator and your computer.  This means actually marching, like people do in the military, on prison chain gangs, or when they’re members of the varsity drum major squad.  These individuals understand the importance of maintaining good stride while walking uniformly – otherwise they might get shot!  Yes, those drum major coaches can be real hellions.  You may be on your own, but you’ll have to keep a good stride.  This will help to prevent you from losing your sanity, as you clamber over rough terrain, jumbled vehicles, or masses of dead bodies.  If you are out of shape (read: fat ass), start now by marching up and down the street, the apartment complex stairs, or the halls of the mental hospital where you’re staying.  This will help to prepare you for long treks across the wasteland.  Second, learn to lighten that glut of mess in your backpack.  And third, if you carry an I-pod with tunes of Native American music, it would be even better for your soul, as that will show the Mayan gods you are one with the Earth.  Otherwise, just hum “99 Bars of Chocolate on the Wall” and you’ll be alright.

 

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February 29, 2012 – 295 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  Since this is “Leap Year,” it’s appropriate to remember the old English proverb, “Look before you leap.”  It’s likely that some Englishman came up with that after a few pints of ale.  The English – like Germans and Mexicans – could quaff down some brew and end up one shot away from being a frat boy.  But, of course, when you want to gain a good look at something, a pair of binoculars is perfect.  A telescope is even better, but that won’t fit in your backpack.  A good set of binoculars is perfect for surveying areas ahead of you, if you have to flee your home.  But, they also can come in handy even if you’re able to remain at home.  Either way, with binoculars you can see approaching and potential enemies like zombies, vultures and Catholic priests.  If you’re out in the wild, you can spot possible food sources like deer, buffalo and Twinkies.  (Remember, deer and buffalo are great sources of protein, and Twinkies have a shelf life of 5,000 years.)  So, stop into a sporting goods store soon and grab some binoculars.  They’re not just for peeping toms anymore!

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Why We Have the Need for February 29

As usual, you can blame the Romans for this mess, and since they were often aggravated with the Jews, you might as well blame them, too.  If Julius Caesar hadn’t decided to reform the old Roman calendar, we might still be adding a month to it every two or three years.  Like most ancient societies, the Romans used the sun and moon to guide their daily lives; when to plant crops, get married, make human sacrifices, etc.  Thus, the Roman calendar was based on a lunar month, which averages 29.5 days.  Around 46 B.C., Caesar – like most politicians – interfered with something that had functioned perfectly for years and declared, “Ist es ridiculum!” – whereupon he relegated the calendar to a solar-based system.

But, as you might expect, Caesar didn’t get it right.  The Julian calendar is based on a year that is 365 days and 6 hours.  Therefore, Caesar added a day to the month of February every 4 years to try to even out matters.  But, the equinoxes, as marked on that calendar, arrived earlier every year; which, in turn, messed up spring planting and spring weddings.  In the Northern Hemisphere, the spring equinox would arrive around March 25.  But, by the 16th century, it was arriving around March 10.  If this had continued, Easter eventually would have occurred in the dead of winter.  And, that of course, would have disrupted Easter egg hunts and lowered church attendance.  Again, political leaders just can’t seem to leave things alone.

Enter Pope Gregory XIII (1502 – 1585) who stemmed the growing tide of Protestantism in Europe and established a number of colleges and seminaries, including one in Germany called simply the “German College.”  But, Gregory is best known for redesigning the Julian calendar around 1578.  He lopped off 10 days from the month of October, but kept the “Leap Year” anomaly with some strict stipulations:

  1. A Leap Year has to be divisible by 4;
  2. If a year is not evenly divisible by 100, isn’t a Leap Year – unless;
  3. The year is also divisible by 400.

This latter factor explains why the year 2000 was a Leap Year, but the years 1700, 1800 and 1900 weren’t.

Italy, Poland, Portugal and Spain were the first countries to adopt the Gregorian calendar in 1582.  Sweden and Finland didn’t adopt it until 1712.  But, because they were so far behind in doing so, they had a “Double Leap Year” in 1712; meaning they actually had a February 30.  Great Britain and the United States didn’t embrace the Gregorian calendar until 1752, when they dropped 11 days from the old calendar.  I don’t know which 11 days and from what month, or if it was just done at random, but it got them synchronized with Europe.

Japan replaced its lunar – solar calendar in January 1873, but decided to use the numbered months it had originally used instead of the European names.  China finally acquired the Gregorian calendar in January 1912.  But, different warlords had different calendars, so no one really abided by it.  The government finally ordered a mass conversion to the Gregorian system in January 1929.

Presently, international time is determined by the vibrations of atoms in atomic clocks, which have a reputation for accuracy.  This adds a new term to the confusion: the “leap second.”  I know.  Just when you thought you understood the entire mess, along comes something new!

Keepers of atomic clocks periodically add or subtract one or two seconds every year to keep the clocks in line with a 24-hour day as measured by the Earth’s rotation – which is gradually slowing.  Scientists added the first leap seconds in June and December 1972.  The next leap second is due this June.  In a meeting in Geneva last month, these timekeepers proposed abolishing the leap second altogether.  A final decision on that bright idea is due in 2015.

By then, however, the Mayan calendar will have replaced all that crap, and the sun and moon can revolve in peace.  Thus, we won’t have to worry about leaping anywhere, except into a swimming pool – with chocolate and tequila nearby!

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February 28, 2012 – 296 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  If you’re a minimalist survival type, then you understand the need for traveling light.  For the uninitiated, minimalism doesn’t refer to the art movement of the same name that began in New York City in the 1960’s when artists ran out of supplies and design space in the already-crowded Soho district.  This refers to those who can survive with the least number of tools and supplies, like military and law enforcement personnel.  Others, like celebrities and professional athletes, can’t function without heavy baggage and a large entourage, so they’ll perish in the chaos.  Considering that the Mayans built one of the largest and most advanced civilizations in pre-Columbian America without the aid of draft animals, wheels and Super Glue, minimalism is an appropriate survival technique.  I discussed the value of burlap bags in a previous post, but a large backpack or rucksack is better for those who plan to move about on foot.  It should be big enough to store such essentials as flashlights, batteries, snack crackers, bandages and, of course, chocolate and Xanax, but flexible enough to strap onto your back.  Understandably, you’ll get tired after hours of hiking and climbing over rough terrain, abandoned vehicles and the bodies of people who died because they waited until the last minute to prepare for the apocalypse.  But then, that’s why you have the chocolate and Xanax on hand in the first place!

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February 27, 2012 – 297 days Until Baktun 12

Survivalist Tip:  Whether or not you live near a coastline, river, large lake or a sewage plant, it would be prudent to possess some heavy-duty rain wear.  I don’t mean fashionable raincoats (remember, we’re talking survival here!) but sturdy attire made of firm yet malleable rubber.  Heavy precipitation is expected when the apocalypse hits, and since it’ll be winter in the Northern Hemisphere this December, that means snow and ice.  If you live in Texas like me, snow and ice is also a possibility, but it’s more likely the Red River and the Rio Grande will overflow.  If you live along the banks of a major river, such as the Mississippi or Colorado, you’re just as vulnerable.  If you live along the Jersey shore, you’re probably not going to make it anyway, so just light a candle now and get your affairs in order.  Heavy rain gear, including hip waders, boots, ponchos and jackets will help to keep out water and snow; there’s nothing worse than trying to save your loved ones or your batch of chocolate while sopping wet.  If you’ve ever wondered why bikers and construction workers are able to keep going even in the most inclement of weather, now you know!  It’s because they have their treasured rain gear – and a beer keg!

 

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