Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

Survivalist Tip:  Iodine is an essential element for basic human glandular functioning, so obviously the well-prepared survivalist should have iodine supplements on hand when the apocalypse hits.  You don’t know how long the chaos will reign, so the odds of your local health food store re-opening soon may be slim.  Iodine is required by higher animals like chimpanzees and dogs for proper regulation of thyroid hormones, which in turn, aid the metabolism.  Lower animals like cephalopods and humans need it, too, but mainly to keep from getting headaches, which slows them down in the hunt for food.  Iodine is found naturally in water, especially in very salty water.  But, don’t even think about moving near the Dead Sea just for the briny water!  For one thing the Mayan gods will destroy the Middle East region first, since that’s where all this Judeo-Christian-Islamic crap that always gets the world in trouble started 2,000 years ago.  Besides, they don’t have any chocolate out there, and you don’t want to live in a society like that.  Iodine is found plentifully in such places as Chile, Japan and the Mississippi River Valley.  These areas are the birth places of some of the world’s greatest civilizations, so we’re already in luck.  More importantly, iodine will be critical as you struggle to survive in the aftermath of the upheaval.  And, you thought it was just for cuts and scrapes!

Survivalist Tip:  Your home may have a basement.  In upper class neighborhoods, they’re called wine cellars; in middle class, they’re basements; and in lower class, they’re called tubs.  Regardless, a basement is a great place to flee in the event of a natural calamity such as a tornado or IRS audit.  But, after the Mayan apocalypse, a basement won’t necessarily protect from all the miscreants roaming the barren terrain searching for food, medicine and a working telephone.  For that reason, you’ll need to construct a bunker in your back yard.  Don’t worry about code violations or neighbors’ complaints.  They won’t matter when the Mayan gods return to Earth to slay the remnants of a world gone awry.  A bunker should be completely encased in steel and / or concrete and have enough room for you, your family, your pets, clothing, food rations, water and several vials of Xanax.  (You may be enclosed for a while, so someone in your party is bound to panic, and killing them is not an option is such a confined environment.)  A well-fortified bunker will guard against such catastrophes as a nuclear attack and, of course, the Mayan siege.  You can build it yourself, or you can contract a reputable right-wing firm to build it for you.  Either way, just build one!

Survivalist Tip:  In the upheaval of the apocalypse, many people probably will have guns, or at least slingshots.  Regardless, you should have body armor in your cache of survivalist gear in the event you encounter a gun battle with your foes; meaning any politicians or celebrities who manage to survive the fury.  Body armor is classified into Levels I, II, or III.  This means: okay, good, or invincible.  Obviously, you need to buy Level III body armor.  What?!  Did you think I’d say just pick one?!  Level III body armor is 100% stab proof, almost 100% bullet proof and about 82.5% odor proof.  (The latter figure refers to the ability of the armor to protect your skin from the foul smell of rotting carcasses.)  For the fashion-conscious, it also comes in 3 colors: black, ebony and onyx.  Not that you should care!  But, I’m sure amidst the tumult, some women or nelly gay men will make that an issue.  Black is my favorite color anyway, so I’ll be happy no matter what.  As with anything, you never know what the apocalyptic aftermath may bring.  It won’t necessarily bring any law and order, but it will definitely bring tax relief.

Survivalist Tip:  Burlap bags are a good means for the minimalist survivor to carry his or her belongings.  They’re sturdy and long-lasting.  You can place them on the back of a mule, on the roof of your vehicle, or a shopping cart.  (Just make sure the apocalypse has hit before you run around outside with a shopping cart; otherwise people will think you’re a homeless bum.)  Burlap sacks are made of densely woven coarse fabric.  Indians used them to carry such valuable as corn, clay pots and the butts of White people who pissed them off.  You, of course, can utilize them in the same fashion.  Large and stretchable, all of your survival gear can be stuffed into a burlap bag: food rations, bottles of water, firearms, flashlights and dandruff shampoo.  They’ll be extremely valuable if you have to evacuate your home amidst the chaos and flee into the woods or a relative’s house.  And, once things settle down, you can use them to bury the bodies of those you killed when they threatened to steal your shampoo.

Survivalist Tip:  Your arsenal of supplies should include some hurricane lamps.  Hurricane lamps got their name from the fact that Isaac Klein, a meteorologist, tried to warn the residents of Galveston Island, Texas that a hurricane was approaching by riding through town the night before shouting, “The waves are coming!  The waves are coming!”  It was a reference to the fact that massive tidal surges were already inundating the island’s seashores, which he saw firsthand, when he apparently decided to hunt for clams.  No one believed him, in part, because it was a Friday night, but also because he kept screaming about the waves, instead of the storm itself.  If he’d shouted, “The storm is coming!  The storm is coming!” instead, the reaction would have been different. But, since he was a meteorologist, he couldn’t think in practical terms.  Fortunately, though, most of the island’s residents had plenty of wrought-iron lamps, as they’d just converted to electricity.  Hence the name: “hurricane lamp.”  They’re not just for patio decoration!  Those lamps definitely proved a lifesaver for many of the Galvestonians; helping everyone search for food, clean water and valuables in the pockets of dead people.  In the aftermath of the apocalypse, electricity may be out, so you’ll need some source of light.  Therefore, the appropriately named hurricane lantern will be a critical asset.  There’s actually a valid connection here.  Hurricane is derived from the Taino Indian word “Huracán,” which basically means “menopausal woman needs chocolate.”  Huracán is the Taino Indian goddess of wind, and since the Tainos are related to the Maya on their mother’s younger cousin’s side, it all fits into the grand scheme of things.   So, get some hurricane lanterns and don’t piss off any menopausal women!