Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

Survivalist Tip:  Every good survivalist / camper / hiker / outdoor enthusiast knows how to build a fire from scratch.  Whether you plan to stay at home, or head into the hinterlands when the apocalypse hits, building a fire literally from the ground up is an essential skill.  A healthy, but contained fire is obviously a great way to cook and stay warm, especially outside.  It’s how humanity survived for thousands of years before electricity, so don’t disregard its importance.

First, make sure you have a healthy supply of firewood or some other kind of kindling, such as shrubbery, grass, telephone books, newspapers, and utility bills.

Second, make certain you have plenty of matches, lighters and / or a magnifying glass.

Third, make sure you have shovel, in case you have to dig a hole in the ground.

Aside from the matches and lighters, here are other options for creating a fire:

1. Use a magnifying glass.  Hold the glass over the ignitable material and in front of the sun, so that a small bright dot will appear on it.
2. If the sky is cloudy, you can start a fire with sticks, but the kindling must be dry.  If it’s cloudy and wet, just tough it out!

• Make a bow, using slightly bendable wood.  You’ll be putting a lot of pressure on the bow, and dead wood is more likely to break than similarly sized green wood.  Use as thin a piece of wood as you can so the bow will be as light as possible.  A lighter bow is easier to control and takes less strength to push back and forth. However, it has to be stiff enough to not bend when you’re using it.  The bow doesn’t need too much of a curve. Use a shoelace, drawstring, small rope or whatever cordage you can find.  Leave a little slack in the cord so that you can twist the drill into the bow.  Once the drill is in the bow, the tension should be nice and firm.
• Make a fireboard.  The best wood for this won’t have any sap and will be light and soft enough to easily dent with your thumbnail without gouging.  Shape whatever wood you choose into a piece about an inch thick, 2-3 inches across and at least 12 inches long.  Set it aside for now.
• Make a drill.  The drill should be made of harder wood than the fireboard.  Poplar and maple are good woods for this.  Try to find the straightest piece of wood possible.
• Find or make a socket.  A socket can be made of bone, wood, or rock.  Look for a rock with a smooth dimple in it.  The ideal rock is fist-sized with a deep dimple and smooth sides.  If you can’t find a rock, the easiest socket to make is of wood.  Either the rock or the piece of wood should be small enough for you to hold in your hand, but not too small.  If you can’t find either a suitable rock or a piece of wood, use the head or butthole of the most uncooperative member of your clan.  Put the fireboard on the ground.
• Put your left foot on the fireboard.  The arch of your foot (not the ball or the heel) should be over the fireboard.
• Drop to your right knee, as if you’re giving thanks to the Great Creator for letting you survive the initial apocalypse – which you should be doing anyway.
• Hold the bow in your right hand and the drill in your left.
• Put the drill on top of the string with the pencil-sharp end pointing right, and twist it into the bow.
• Put the blunt end of the drill on the crater and put the socket on the drill.
• Grab as close to the end of the bow as you can.  Put some downward pressure on the socket and start to pull back and forth on the bow.  It’s a delicate balance between putting too much and not enough pressure on the drill and having the bow string too tight and not tight enough.
• Saw back and forth with the bow faster and faster, and put more pressure on the socket.  Eventually, some black powder and smoke will form around the bottom of the drill.  Begin blowing softly through the bundle, while gently squeezing the tinder around the coal.  And thus, you have fire!

You must know this skill!  I can’t emphasize enough how important it is; regardless of whether you’re able to stay indoors or have to head out on foot.  Fire not only will keep you warm in cold weather, but ward off insects in hotter temperatures.  It definitely can provide illumination.  Like water and air, it is the sustenance of life.  It’s also perfect for warming your chocolate!

Survivalist Tip:  Along with your arsenal of firearms, ensure that you have plenty of knives on hand.  I don’t mean just steak knives.  I mean large carving knives and even machetes.  The ancient Mayans cleared the jungles of southern México and Central America with flint versions of machetes and built their massive city-states.  If you live in or near a forested area or a jungle, or you have to flee your home, knives can be used to chop through thick vegetation and slice up food items like fish and bananas.  They can certainly be used for protection against nosy neighbors and to keep wayward children in line.

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Survivalist Tip:  I know I don’t need to remind you animal lovers this, but keep your pets with you, even if you have to evacuate your home.  Pets are similar to your kids, except they don’t cost as much money and won’t nag you about stupid stuff.  Domesticated animals are more loyal than any damn human, especially dogs, and will keep you company in the worst of crises.  If you don’t have a pet, visit your nearest shelter soon and adopt one.  Believe me – it’ll be worth the effort.  Pets always provide solace and compassion without an attitude, a down payment, or a bottle of booze.

Survivalist Tip:  If you live near the ocean, buy a boat.  Not a raft, a canoe, or one of those inflatable things – an actual tough, sturdy boat!  The abrupt shift in the Earth’s axes will cause the seas to rise and inundate coastal areas.  If your neighbors laugh at you, just remind them that people laughed at Noah.  If they don’t believe in the story of Noah, start talking about global warming.  If they don’t believe in global warming, it’s probably best if they drown.  They’ll just take up too much room on your boat anyway.

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Survivalist Tip:  Since power and utility infrastructures most likely will collapse on or immediately after December 21, it’s imperative to have some light source besides matches, sunlight and a full moon.  Therefore, stock up on some battery-operated lanterns.  And, I certainly don’t mean those decorative types you hang outside your patio during cozy outdoor dinner parties.  They may look nice on cool summer nights, but they’re not practical.  Sturdy lanterns can withstand heavy winds, rain and being used as a defense weapon.  Have at least 3 available.  Besides, there are few things more frustrating than trying to find chocolate in the darkness.

Survivalist Tip:  I mentioned early on that, should you have to flee your home when the apocalypse hits, it’s best to be in a sturdy vehicle, such as a big truck, instead of something like a Toyota Camry or a “Smart Car.”  I know many of you may be environmentally conscious, but I recommend investing in a large truck.  You can store your most important survival gear in the bed of it: water, food rations, rope, guns and chocolate.  Even large get good gas mileage these days, which will be critical as you traverse the barren wasteland.  Besides, if any undesirables manage to survive the initial chaos – such as politicians, celebrities, or zombies – you can run them down with your big-ass truck!

Survivalist Tip:  Whether you hope to stay at home, or hit the road when the apocalypse hits, you need to have a safe for all your valuables.  A good sturdy safe is made of metal or some other firm substance; is burglary proof; and is fire and water proof, not just fire and water resistant.  I recommend one with a combination lock, as those with key locks are much more easily breached.  A safe will guard such items as birth certificates, social security cards, old photographs, guns and chocolate recipes.  You definitely don’t want scavengers, politicians and nosy in-laws accessing those things!  Your safe doesn’t have to be huge; just big enough to store valuables and transport.  Even when things settle down, you’ll find a safe will always be necessary.

Survivalist Tip:  I didn’t mention this before – I guess I thought it was just a given for survivalists – but you have to have firearms and ammunition in your arsenal of supplies.  It really should be obvious.  You don’t have to be a hardcore survivalist, or live in an urban area haunted by drug dealers to know you need solid protection from the worst that society has to offer.  Most people will respect your privacy and your property.  But, everyone will respect your gun and your bullets.  Enough said.  If you don’t have one, BUY ONE!

Survivalist Tip:  You won’t be able to operate that battery-powered generator without any batteries.  Therefore – and this should be as obvious as 2+2 = 4 – you need to stockpile as many batteries as possible.  There are literally hundreds of different types of batteries.  The ones for your generator and vehicle are the most expensive and cumbersome, but you need to get more than one.  Keep all your batteries in enclosed containers to keep them from getting wet and rusted or consumed by small children or animals.  As I’ve stated repeatedly, we just don’t know how long power and utility companies will be off-line, which will be a small slice of Heaven amidst the chaos of the “New Universe.”  Thus, like any good survivalist, you have to prepare for the worst.

Survivalist Tip:  You can’t have water and air purifiers in your home if you don’t have a generator.  Remember, the utility companies will malfunction with the sudden shift in the Earth’s axes.  While that may be a good thing – since they’ll pretty much get what they deserve after years of screwing you with bloated rates and miscellaneous service charges – you’ll otherwise be out of luck.  But, that generator must be battery-powered.  A generator will keep some necessary appliances functioning smoothly, such as water purification units, floor fans, heaters and coffee machines.  Besides, the low-frequency humming sound a generator creates will keep away undesirable creatures, like insects, rats and anyone from the power company who survives the upheaval and hopes to collect on your electricity bill.