Tag Archives: Mayan calendar

Survivalist Tip:  Today a relative of mine had minor knee surgery.  Minor, of course, is purely subjective whenever doctors put you under anesthesia and you end up with a full bladder and can’t urinate because of the anesthesia.  But, this reminds me of the importance of getting any elective surgical procedures out of the way before the apocalypse.  This includes wisdom teeth extractions, appendectomies, mole removals and halitosis treatments.  You don’t want to have to deal with the pain of the healing process while struggling to survive and keep kids, pets and paranoid spouses in line.  Emergencies notwithstanding, give yourself plenty of time to get these procedures done and then get over the agony of the aftermath.  And, from what I understand, recovering from halitosis treatments can be a real pain the gum line.  This also includes having plenty of pain medicines and antibiotics in your cache of supplies.  Pharmacies will be among the first businesses to be attacked by people who didn’t prepare for the upheaval.  If you do have the misfortune of encountering a medical emergency in the midst of the chaos, hopefully your medicines will stabilize you until you can reach a physician.  If not, just say to hell with it and make peace with the Mayan deities.

Survivalist Tip:  Along with your healthy supply of fruits and vegetables, I recommend adding carrots to the mix.  Carrots are not indigenous to the Americas.  Europeans brought them over, which like horses, makes up for the typhoid they also brought.  First cultivated in Afghanistan, carrots were originally purple, white and yellow, but not orange.  Dutch growers developed the orange carrot in the 16^th century.  Carrots are rich in carotenoids, an antioxidant that helps to combat cell damage.  They’re about 87% water and a single cup of raw carrots contains 52 calories.  Carrots keep for a long time, so you can stock up on them without much worry.  Don’t bother with baby carrots.  That’s like a baby bar of chocolate.  Are you kidding me?!  Carrots may not be good alongside chocolate, but they taste great either raw or cooked.  Besides, a well-aimed carrot can take out the eye of an intruder.  Just wash it thoroughly afterwards.

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday’s “Earth Day” celebrations reminded me of the need to recycle and compost certain materials.  But, equally important is what to do with trash you can’t recycle or compost, such as used napkins, 8-track tape players or politicians.  Dealing with trash is as old humanity itself.  Eons ago, of course, when the Earth wasn’t so crowded, people just tossed their trash aside.  Now, because religious practices demand people procreate like rabbits on Viagra (and those same people don’t realize how stupid that is), there are millions upon millions of us on Earth.  More advanced ancient societies, like the Mayans and the Romans, dealt with their refuse in practical, constructive ways.  Both had complex sewer systems, for example, made with and covered by stones.

Whether you plan to stay at home or head out on foot when the apocalypse hits, you need to be conscious of the trash you generate and leave behind.  Here are just some examples.

1. Hopefully, you won’t have any leftover food, since that would be wasteful, and the Mayan deities will frown upon you.  If by chance you do, try to use it as compost or fertilizer.  Orange rinds and apple cores are particularly suited for this type of disposal.
2. Baby wipe containers can be used to store and organize things like pens, knives and .45 bullets.
3. Plastic bags can be used to pick up dog waste; toss whatever food you don’t eat into one and stuff it in the freezer; wrap one around the head of the most uncooperative member of your crew.
4. Glass bottles and jars can be used to store water or other beverages for emergencies, or as defense weapons.
5. Metal cans could be used in pretty much the same way as glass bottles and jars.  But, they can also be used to scoop up water from a creek, or as a substitute for a shovel if you have to kill a bitchy in-law.
6. Plastic milk jugs can also be used for holding water and other beverages, but also to keep Xanax and chocolate pieces.
7. Cardboard like that from cereal or cracker boxes can be used as kindling, or for a last will and testament.
8. Fabric softener sheets can be used as air fresheners in your clothes drawers, or as last resort toilet paper.
9. Foil can be reused in baking, or to blind vultures circling above your camp site.
10. Newspapers can be used as fire kindling, or to wrap up whatever items you can’t recycle before burying deep underground.  (Note: this won’t work with relatives.)

Everyone has to be conscious of the trash they create.  Do what you can to preserve the Earth in the “New Universe.”  Otherwise, the Mayan gods will see to it you get buried with those bitchy in-laws.

Survivalist Tip:  Since today is Earth Day, I wanted to remind everyone that the ancient Mayans and other indigenous peoples of the Americas considered their environment sacred.  Most Indian nations believed in a “Mother Earth” and “Father Sun” type of ideology; that is, humanity was born of a union between the Earth and the Sun.  And, therefore, Native Americans respected and honored them as their parents.  It’s a great philosophy to have and practice each day.  So, as this Earth Day comes to a close, just remember how our ancestors revered the natural elements of their world.  It’ll be good for you – the Mayan deities won’t sling you into the muddy underworld come the apocalypse!

Survivalist Tip: Along with the mass of fruit you should stockpile, consider adding oranges.  Orange trees are not indigenous to the Americas, but they’ve become an important edible commodity nonetheless.  Oranges are known for high levels of Vitamin C, which – as I’ve mentioned before – is critical to maintain the health of bones, skin and cartilage and also helps wounds and scars to heal.  Vitamin C is best known for combating colds and flues, although there’s not much research to support that claim.  Still, nothing really beats the need for Vitamin C, and there is no better source of it than an orange.  Oranges keep for a long time, so as December 21 approaches, gather as many as you can.  Fighting a cold or flu is the last thing you want to do, while struggling to survive.  Besides, orange oil is good for the skin, which should please the narcissist in your group without the need to kill them.

Survivalist Tip: Along with the other fruits and grains I’ve mentioned, think of stockpiling tomatoes.  Tomatoes are indigenous to the Americas, although some Italians like to think they’ve always had them for their pizzas.  The ancient Aztecs first cultivated tomatoes in the 8^th century A.D.  They’re actually a fruit and not a vegetable, a fact that usually sends vegetarians into fits of denial.  Tomatoes now are considered a miracle health food, since they’re rich in antioxidants.  Lycopene, which gives tomatoes their red-orange color, is the main element.  Remember, antioxidants protect against heart disease and some cancers.  But, some studies have shown that lycopene is especially effective against brain tumors.  It’s obvious then that too many people lack lycopene in their diet – severely!  Don’t be one of those people.  The Mayan gods don’t look kindly upon people who deliberately put themselves at risk for stupidity.

Survivalist Tip: Continuing with the fruit theme, consider adding blackberries to your cache of food supplies.  Like blueberries (which I mentioned yesterday) they are indigenous to North America, particularly California.  The native peoples of the region – mainly the Calif and Malibu nations – used them in – what else? – religious ceremonies, but also for their natural healing properties.  Blackberry tea is good for chest congestion and coughs.  During the Civil War, doctors discovered blackberry tea could even help fight dysentery.  You may not face dysentery in the aftermath of the apocalypse.  Dysentery is so 19^th century.  But, chest congestion and coughs are likely to develop because you may be cooped up with several other people.  And, coughs are definitely something you don’t want to battle as you struggle to survive.  A bad cough just sort of ruins your day.

One cup of blackberries has about 62 calories.  Blackberries are packed with an element called anthocyanin, which actually creates that dark pigment.  But, it also helps with digestion and acts as an anti-inflammatory.  As with coughs, poor digestion and inflammation of any part of your body are issues you don’t want to deal with during the upheaval.  You can’t fight off intruders with inflamed hands.

Survivalist Tip: Consider stockpiling blueberries.  Blueberries are one of the few fruits indigenous to North America.  There’s no evidence the ancient Mayans cultivated them, but many of the native peoples of what is now New England grew and consumed them.  They often used blueberries in religious ceremonies and for medicinal purposes, especially in alleviating coughs.  Science has proven they were right.  With just 80 calories per cup and no fat, blueberries are rich in Vitamin C and high in fiber.  This will keep your energy at peak levels and your digestive tract regulated as you struggle to survive in the immediate aftermath of the apocalypse.  Blueberries are also high in manganese, which is good for bone development.  That means it’ll be good for everyone in your posse.  Strong bones will help you fend off zombies, politicians and other scavengers who might survive the upheaval.  And, blueberries are at the top of the list in antioxidants, elements that help prevent cell damage.  Blueberries are good fresh, dried, or mixed in with soups and stews.  Native Americans even used them to make indigo dye.  But, as you’re wrapped up in survivalist mode, don’t worry about that.  You’ll have plenty of time to be fashion conscious once things settle down.  In the meantime, enjoy some blueberries.  They go good with chocolate, too!

Survivalist Tip: Previously, I mentioned you should stockpile bananas, as they’re a good source of nutrients.  But, you also should stockpile apples.  Unlike bananas, apples don’t ripen as fast and therefore, last longer.  Apples have always had a bad rap, since the “Garden of Eden” scenario in the Christian Bible.  But, since the Mayans existed long before the Bible, that rule doesn’t apply here.  Although the crab apple is the only type of apple native to North America, there are currently 2,500 varieties grown in the United States.  Europeans brought more varieties of apple trees to North America in the 17^th century, but since Native Americans adapted quickly to them, that sort of makes up for the whole small pox fiasco and anything Custer did.

More importantly, apples are extremely nutritious.  A single apple has about 80 calories and 5 grams of fiber.  Apples are also free of fat, sodium and cholesterol.  In the chaotic aftermath of the apocalypse, you’ll need a high caloric intake to search for food and fend off predators.  You definitely don’t need more fat and sodium in your diet amidst the ruckus.  Don’t peel an apple; about 2/3 of the fiber and lots of antioxidants are found in the skin.  And, don’t worry about making apple cider and apple pies until things have settled down.  You’ll have plenty of time for that later.  As long as you all keep your apples in a relatively cool, dark place, they’ll be good for a while.  I know there’s a bad joke in that, but I won’t go there.

Survivalist Tip:  I want to return to the outdoors for those of you who might be on foot when the apocalypse hits.  True survivalists know how to build a shelter strictly from trees.  It’s an essential skill for anyone trapped outside, especially in cold weather.  The comforts of home won’t be available at the start of the new Baktun.  If you expect they will be, stop reading now and say your prayers.  You’ll probably die anyway come December 21.  If you truly want to make it, however, here are some steps to construct a shelter from trees. 

1. Find the trees.  Unless you’re in the middle of the desert, or stuck on an ice floe, trees should be all around you.  You won’t actually cut down the trees because that would take too much valuable time and energy.  You’ll just gather as many branches as possible.  The best branches are from pine trees, but if you’re stuck, say, in the midst of a redwood forest, you’ll just have to go with that.  Use your knife or machete to cut some if necessary.  If you didn’t bring a knife or machete, you’re an idiot! 
2. Don’t strip the leaves from the branches.  This actually will form the bulk of the shelter. 
3. Find some particularly long and firm branches.  These will comprise the shelter’s base. 
4. Set the largest of these branches against a tree that’s still standing, preferably one with a relatively big trunk.  Plant the other end firmly into the ground.  Begin stacking the other more firm branches on either side of it, in a criss-cross formation. 
5. The remaining lighter branches will form the roof of the shelter.  Just place them across the more firm branches, forming a relatively thick layer.  This should provide some insulation from the cold. 

Of course, if heavy wind and rain come along, it could knock down the entire shelter, so you’ll just have to deal with it.  If someone like a hunter, IRS, or Bigfoot arrives on the scene, just shoot them with your gun.  If you didn’t bring a gun, what the hell’s wrong with you?!