Okay, this is it, folks – the last week of the countdown. At this point, there’s no more advice I can give you. Hopefully, you’re fully prepared for the dramatic end of this Baktun and the start of the next one. Just remember it will be simultaneously cataclysmic and horrific. Wind, rain, dust, hail, lightning – all of nature’s elements – will come towards you at once. Promise your soul now to Mother Earth and Father Sky! And, safeguard that water and chocolate!
Filed under Mayan Calendar Countdown
Just when I thought organized crime was the province of Italians, Russians, the Catholic Church, the Israeli Parliament and Wall Street bankers, the Discovery Channel has come out with “Amish Mafia,” a series about the murky underside of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania’s otherwise puritan Amish community. I have to admit, after only a few episodes, I’m already addicted. I mean, aside from the incredibly beautiful countryside, there are those really cool broad-brimmed hats the men wear!
Filed under Curiosities
Still trying to stay relevant in post-1980s America, former child star-turned-religious zealot Kirk Cameron has produced a comprehensive guide to helping boys become proper men. This might mean proselytizing about creationism and how women were made from Adam’s rib (e.g. a cheaper cut).
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Adding egregious insults to the devastation in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, the assholes from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas announced they will stage a protest this week during a vigil or victims of the massacre. You know, guns can be used to shoot adults, too.
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And, the best part is that you don’t have to think before you buy!
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Survivalist Tip: You must fortify the front door to your home if you want to add an extra measure of security for you and your family. Most people think of locks, chains, burglar alarms and ‘Beware of Demonic Dog’ notices plastered below the peep hole, when they’re asked about the front door. All of these things, however, are merely deterrents. You have to reinforce the door jamb, which is the vertical portion of the frame onto which the door is secured. Of course, if you didn’t know what a door jamb is in the first place, you’re going to have a really tough time when the apocalypse hits anyway. But, here’s how to strengthen the door jamb:
Now, the jamb and both sides of the door are attached to the frame and make a formidable barrier. That way you can enjoy your chocolate and fruit preserves in true comfort. If anyone asks why you’re going to such lengths, just hold up your shotgun and show them the door.
Filed under Mayan Calendar Countdown
“Those decisions for children who are conceived in rape or in incest will need to be made prior to the 20-week mark.”
– Elizabeth Graham, head of Texas Right to Life, discussing Gov. Rick Perry’s promotion of “fetal pain” legislation banning abortions after 20 weeks. The measure would include exceptions for women whose lives are in danger, but not for victims of rape or incest.
Texas Legislature’s Proposed Pregnancy Calendar:
Weeks 1 and 2 – Your pregnancy begins as your body gears up for ovulation and prepares for fertilization, a.k.a. “The Beginning of Life.”
Week 3 – As sperm meets egg, fertilization occurs and your child takes form – as a tiny group of cells. But, it’s still a kid, so start picking names!
Week 4 – That cluster of God-created cells splits to form the placenta and the embryo. The specialized parts of your baby begin to develop – including the heart where God will live.
Week 5 – Your baby’s heart and circulatory system are developing – this is God’s plan – and a home pregnancy test will confirm this God’s child.
Week 6 – Your baby’s face takes shape, which is the face of you and your husband (you do have a husband, right?).
Week 7 – Your baby’s brain begins to grow, so it will start to think how God will fit into its life.
Week 8 – As your baby starts moving in the womb, morning sickness sets in – but this is the price all women must pay for the sin of Eve giving Adam that apple.
Week 9 – Your baby is busy building muscle, but all you may want to do these days is take a nice long nap.
Week 10 – Your baby’s bones and cartilage begin to develop more. Constipation intensifies, but again that’s the price you must pay for the sins of Eve.
Week 11 – That adorable child inside you takes on a more human appearance now – the true face of God should be crystal clear on the sonogram.
Week 12 – While it may seem as if you’ve doubled in size with pregnancy weight gain, it’s your baby who actually has.
Week 13 – As the first trimester comes to a close, your baby’s about the size of a…well, an apple.
Week 14 – Your baby begins to sprout some angel hair.
Week 15 – Your baby begins kicking those little legs and flexing those elbows, as it fills with the spirit of God.
Week 16 – Your baby’s eyesight begins to develop, which means it can see any sharp instruments coming towards it!
Week 17 – Your baby is practicing sucking and swallowing as it gets ready to nurse.
Week 18 – You might start to feel your baby moving around, which will continue even after you get it into a church pew.
Week 19 – Your baby’s gender can be determined at this point. That means – especially if it’s a male child – your fate as a mother has been set. And, you can’t go back.
Week 20 – Don’t even think about it, bitch!
Filed under News
A Danish historian may have discovered the first fairy tale written by Hans Christian Andersen. This past October Esben Brage found the ink-written manuscript at the bottom of a box in the historical archive on the island of Funen, where the Danish author was born. Now, authorities have confirmed that Andersen wrote the 6-page story entitled “Tællelyset” (The Tallow Candle). They’ve dated it to the 1820s, when the author was in his teens.
“I am in no doubt that it has been written by Andersen,” Ejnar Stig Askgaard of the Odense City Museum told the Danish daily Politiken. The paper has published an English-language translation of the story.
The story is about a neglected and dirty tallow candle which finds happiness when a tinder box sees its true beauty and lights its wick.
The front page of the manuscript reads “To Madam Bunkeflod, from her devoted, H.C. Andersen.” A vicar’s widow, Mme Bunkeflod lived opposite Andersen’s childhood home. Historians know that the writer visited her often as a child, borrowing her books.
“The fairy tale was a present. A present of thanks to a woman whose home had been very important to him,” Askgaard said.
Experts believe the manuscript is a copy of the original. Andersen’s first fairy tales were published in 1835. He wrote some 160 stories, including classics like “The Ugly Duckling,” “The Little Mermaid,” “The Emperor’s New Clothes” and “The Little Match Girl,” that have been translated into more than 100 languages.
Filed under Art Working
Chief Writing Wolf 
More Great Testicular-Based Rape Advice
“I’m not a gynecologist, but I can tell you something: If someone doesn’t want to have sexual intercourse, the body shuts down. The body will not permit that to happen unless a lot of damage is inflicted, and we heard nothing about that in this case.”
– California Superior Court Judge Derek Johnson, after saying that a sexual assault victim “didn’t put up a fight.”
There’s nothing like an asshole wrapped up in the robes of a judge to make you question the validity of our judicial system. Fortunately, the California Commission on Judicial Performance has voted 10 – 0 to admonish Johnson publicly.
Hey, has anyone else noticed people who preside over courtrooms and satanic masses both wear black robes?
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