Chief Writing Wolf

Survivalist Tip:  Yesterday I discussed the importance of maintaining the integrity of the tires on your vehicle.  In the event you should have to change a tire, of course, you’ll a tire jack.  And, just like a vehicle without good tires, a vehicle without a solid car jack is akin to eating pizza with low-fat cheese.  Why bother?  Your vehicle should come equipped with a tire jack.  If it doesn’t, you got jacked (pun intended) and need to buy one.  It’s bad enough changing a flat or disintegrated tire; changing one in the midst of the chaos at the start of the new Baktun will be especially hazardous.  Regardless, safety is important.  So, while a member of your posse stands nearby with a shotgun to fight off any politicians, reality TV show stars, or other lower-than-pond-scum forms of life that might survive, here are some safety tips for operating a basic tire jack. 

1. Most tire jacks are hand-operated, scissor types that fold up and fit neatly beneath the front seat.  Others are hydraulic, lever-operated.  Although they’re more expensive, I recommend purchasing a hydraulic jack.  You don’t want to expend too much energy pumping a hand-operated one.  You’ll have enough trouble keeping the kids and pets under control.
2. Sometime before December 21, do a test run of your jack to make certain that it functions properly and that you know what you’re doing.  This includes making certain all of the jack’s parts are thoroughly lubricated.  Using your vehicle owner’s manual, learn to identify the crank, ratchet or lever.  (If you’re getting sexually aroused at this point, you’re losing focus and probably will die when the apocalypse hits.)
3. Make certain the vehicle is on a relatively flat surface, away from traffic.
4. Shift automatic vehicles into park.  Shift manual vehicles into reverse or first gear.  Engage the emergency brake.
5. Immobilize the vehicle, either with a brick, a steel wedge, or the head of the most uncooperative member of your group.
6. Place the jack base flat on firm ground.  Find the part of the jack that connects to the vehicle’s frame.  This part is flat and usually circular-shaped.  The area beneath the vehicle where it fits is often an indentation that is slightly larger than the jack part.  In other vehicles, it’s just a large equally flat part of the undercarriage.  (If you’re confused, take a deep breath and get hold of yourself.)
7. After the vehicle is lifted a few inches, remove the wheel cover and loosen the lug nuts.  After lifting it a few more inches, remove the bad tire and replace it with the spare.  Replace the lug nuts and tighten them securely.  Trying to loosen or tighten lug nuts manually is the most strenuous part of changing a tire, so I recommend buying a battery-operated lug nut tool.
8. Lower the vehicle back to the ground and store the jack properly.

As I’ve stated several times before, your vehicle may be your life line away from danger or greedy in-laws.  A tire jack is just one of the many assets to ensure a safe drive.  Besides, it makes a great disciplinary tool for anyone in your crew who gets out of line.

Survivalist Tip:  Among all the important features of your vehicle, a good set of tires can’t be emphasized enough.  A vehicle without tires is like non-alcoholic beer.  Why bother?  Tires aren’t just for football practices, UFC training regimens, or hillbilly swing sets.  As December 21 approaches, you have to make certain your vehicle’s tires are in good shape.  Here’s a basic check list. 

1. In the U.S., tires must meet standards of tread wear, traction and temperature resistance.  A tread wear rating of 500 – 7oo is very good; 300 – 400 is good; 200 is average; below 200 is dangerous.  Traction grades extend from AA, A, B and C; highest to lowest.  This represents the tire’s ability to stop on wet pavement.  Temperature grades – from A to C – represent the tire’s resistance to the generation of heat.  (Don’t confuse these ratings with bra cup sizes, which have nothing to do with survivalism.) 
2. Tires also need to be properly inflated.  Tire inflation is measured according to pounds per square inch, or PSI, and is directly related to the tire’s diameter.  Tires of 25” to 30” in diameter should have PSI of 32.  Those with worn tread are more likely to be seriously underinflated.  Underinflated tires cost you gas mileage, since they make the engine work harder.  They can also be a safety hazard.  If you have to evacuate your home during the apocalypse, or if you’ll be on the road anyway, the last thing you want is a blowout along the barren wasteland.  That makes you vulnerable to attacks from zombies, wild cats and any hip-hop stars that might still be around. 
3. You also need to have at least one spare tire.  The spare shouldn’t be one of those pathetic donut types.  That’s so 20^th century.  A spare should be a full-size tire.  The same standards for the regular tires apply to the spare. 

There’s no getting around good tire maintenance.  Being a responsible vehicle owner is like being a responsible gun owner.  You don’t want to be careless, or someone could get hurt.  And, in the immediate aftermath of the upheaval, there will be plenty of chances for people to get hurt.  You just don’t want to be on the receiving end of it!