Tag Archives: apocalypse 2012

If you own a house – no matter how big or small – you need to have a tall sturdy fence around it; particularly the back yard area.  I’m not talking about one of those quaint little white picket fence things.  I’m not talking about a massive structure at least 8’ tall.  It needs to be made of strong wood, stone, brick, concrete, or metal.  If you can electrify it somehow, that would be even better.  But, electrification can be expensive, so height and sturdiness are the two main attributes it must have.  A big, strong fence can obstruct intruders, zombies, wild game and rude in-laws.  It won’t necessarily prevent them from encroaching on your property, but it will give you enough time to grab your rifle, shotgun or hand grenade.  It will also prevent your pets and children from wandering off.  It won’t actually keep uncooperative members of your posse from leaving.  But, if those individuals are consuming all your water and chocolate, heaving them over the fence and letting them fend for themselves is just part of personal security.

Summer solstice celebration in the U.S.

This past June 20 was an important date for all of us: the summer solstice in the Northern Hemisphere and the winter solstice in the Southern Hemisphere.  Come December 21, these obviously will be switched.  We are now less than 6 months until the start of the new Baktun, but it’s important to understand the significance of the summer and winter solstices.  The solstices are the result of Earth’s north-south axis being tilted 23.4 degrees relative to the plane of our solar system.  During the summer solstice, the sun reaches the highest possible point in the sky, and that day consequently is the longest of the year.  Conversely, during the winter solstice, the sun is at its furthest point from the Earth, and that night consequently is the longest of the year.  Without the use of telescopes and mirrors, ancient societies such as the Mayan charted the summer and winter solstices with remarkable accuracy.  In other words, they understood how critical these astronomical events functioned thousands of years before computers and lunar observatories.  Never underestimate the intellectual capacity of our ancestors.  Otherwise the deities will have no mercy on you and you’ll be hurtled into oblivion when the apocalypse hits.

Winter solstice celebration in Bolivia.

Survivalist Tip:  Since today is Father’s Day, I want to remind everyone preparing for the apocalypse to remember your fathers or the father figures in your lives.  Whether or not your father is still alive, keep pictures of him close by or take at least one with you as you flee to safety.  There’s nothing like a father to boost your ego and make you feel brave and strong.  Even if you don’t or didn’t have as a great a father as I do, think of a man who made a positive impact on your life.  The blessings of a father or father figure will guide you to safety into the new Baktun.  Besides, fathers have no problem helping you bury the body of an uncooperative member of your posse or a neighbor who tried to steal your food or chocolate.

Survivalist Tip:  We’ve reached another milestone in the countdown – less than a hundred days to go before the apocalypse.  Battling these allergies all year long has made me realize the importance of something else: nasal sprays.  Along with eye drops, this will be another essential element in your arsenal of supplies.  With the sudden reversal of the Earth’s axes and the chaos in the environment, there will be plenty of dirt and debris flung about.  The same stuff that will clog your eyes and cloud your vision will fill up your nasal cavities.  That won’t just aggravate the crap out of you; it could induce panic attacks, even in the hardiest of survivalists.  Not being able to breathe can ruin a really good day – and in the midst of the upheaval, you won’t have too many of those anyway.  Nasal sprays come in a variety of forms, many of them over the counter.  Others are prescription strength, but obviously are more costly.  All decongestants have such ingredients as oxymetazoline, xylametazoline, fluticasone and azelastine.  Don’t worry about pronouncing these words; just know that they all reduce inflammation of the sensitive tissue lining the nasal walls and dry up loose mucus that forms in reaction to all that pollen and dust.  Stockpile as many bottles of nasal sprays as you can.  Clear nasal passages just won’t help you breathe better and therefore, relax more; it’ll help you sniff out things like chocolate and wild deer.

Survivalist Tip:  As I stated last week, I’m reducing my countdown to a weekly announcement.  But, here’s something of extreme importance as the apocalypse nears: eye drops.  Eye health is essential to your well-being.  Without good eyesight, you’re vulnerable and have to rely upon other people.  This, of course, is counter-intuitive to the survivalist mentality.  You’ll need a good supply of eye drops in your arsenal.  When Earth’s axes swap places, there will be plenty of dust and debris flung through the air.  That won’t just aggravate your skin and mess up your hair; it’ll threaten your eyes.  Dry eyes aren’t just an irritation; they’re a health threat.  If you’re bothered with dry eyes, you won’t be able to pay attention to potential threats from intruders, patch up injured family members, or search for chocolate.  Besides, you can’t afford to use up your valuable water supply to moisten your eyes.  That’ll lead to dehydration, which will create even more drama in your already chaotic life.

Survivalist Tip:  I wanted to return to the Countdown, but reduce it to a weekly announcement.  By this time, I think all of you should be well aware that a survivalist mentality is essential as December 21, 2012 approaches.  While there’s nothing pretty about being a survivalist, your individual health is still important.  And, one thing I feel is important is body lotion.  Stockpile as much of it as you can.  Keeping your skin hydrated with lotion will be critical while resting between periods of searching for food or disposing of the bodies of intruders.  This may seem kind of prissy for some folks, but skin is the largest organ of the human body, so you must keep it in good shape.  Healthy skin is resistant to peeling and cracks, which in turn, can ward off infections of a variety of viral agents, such as hepatitis, tetanus and gingivitis.  Skin hydration is especially important if your skin is normally, dry or you perspire heavily from outdoor activity or worrying about stupid in-laws.  Well-hydrated skin is also resilient to calluses, which can get infected if left untreated.  Remember, your body is a temple, so treat it like marble that needs to be polished and not a collection plate that gets passed around by hundreds of people.

Survivalist Tip:  This is in tune with my previous post about meditation.  As an avid runner and weight lifter, I understand the importance of breathing properly.  In the aftermath of the apocalypse, there’s no doubt you’ll be exerting a great deal of force; whether searching for food and water, running from a wild bear, or burying the body of someone who tried to steal your chocolate.  People underestimate the importance of breathing correctly.  They think of it like turning on the faucet: good, clean water will come out automatically.  So, why put so much thought into it?  Don’t be a dumb ass!  It’s not that simple.  Inhaling deeply and correctly gets oxygen into your diaphragm, which is then parceled out to your organs and limbs.  It’s critical, therefore, you fully understand how to breathe properly.

You inhale mostly through your nose and exhale mostly through your mouth.  You relax your stomach muscles and let air fill up your chest cavity.  Don’t heave your shoulders or your entire torso too much.  It’s easier said than done, especially when you’re in the midst of a 10K race or a bodybuilding contest.  To be fair, I’ve never done either – except in my wildest utopian fantasies.  But, since we’re talking survivalism here, utopia is out of the question.  Taking full, proper breaths on a regular basis isn’t just necessary to stay alive, it’s essential to good overall health.

To grow accustomed to breathing properly, place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.  Now, inhale as deeply as you can through your nose, although if you take in air through your mouth, that’s okay.  Try to keep your shoulders level.  If the hand on your stomach moved before the hand on your chest, you’re doing it properly.  If you heaved your entire body upwards as if lifting a set of 100-pound dumbbells, you’re breathing too much with your shoulders.  You need to relax your stomach as much as possible.  This also will help you develop that cherished, yet elusive 6-pack, which in turn, is key to upper body stability and strength.  So, while looking beautiful may be important to you, staying alive is even more significant.  Altogether now – breeeeeeeathe.

Survivalist Tip:  Okay, breathe deeply through the nose and exhale gently through the mouth.  Or, something like that.  It’s called meditation – a method of transcendental cogitation practiced throughout the ages by most every society on Earth.  Except modern America.  The ancient Maya and other Indigenous Americans thought differently about cleansing their minds of impurities.  And, they didn’t mean thoughts of cheesecake and masturbation – both of which I thoroughly enjoy.  Meditation – literally thinking of nothing for 20 minutes or so – alleviates your mental faculties of life’s congestion and prevents cerebral hemorrhages.  As I readjust my own life and reconsider what’s valuable, I return to my previous passion for meditation and I recommend the same for you in preparation for the coming apocalypse.  Nothing will get you set for the “New Universe” like a clear mind!  Altogether now – breeeeeathe.

Survivalist Tip:  Broccoli is one food you should have in your cache of culinary supplies.  It’s often treated like the in-laws of the vegetable world: that you have to put up with it just to keep peace in the neighborhood.  That’s ridiculous!  You can keep peace with your shotguns.  Aside from looking like bonsai trees, broccoli is among the healthiest of foods you can consume.  It’s best known for its cholesterol-lowering benefits, especially when steamed.  But, it’s good cooked in any fashion or even raw.  Broccoli is rich in Vitamins A, D and K, all of which play various roles in vision acuity, bone growth and respiratory function.  The fiber in broccoli binds with bile acids in your digestive tract and makes it easier for the bile to be excreted.  Therefore, broccoli has a natural detoxifying effect on the body.  And, in the aftermath of the apocalypse, you don’t want your body filled with bile.  It could disrupt your thinking and energy flow as you fight off intruders and search for water and chocolate.  You’ve had enough bile with political campaigns and utility companies; you definitely don’t need to take it with you into the new Baktun.

Survivalist Tip:  Since today is Mother’s Day, I want to remind everyone preparing for the apocalypse to remember your mothers or the mother figures in your lives.  Whether or not your mother is still alive, keep pictures of her close by or take at least one with you as you flee to safety.  There’s nothing like a mother to keep your ego in check and make you feel like a kid again.  Even if you don’t or didn’t have as a great a mother as I do, think of a female individual who made a positive impact on your life.  The blessings of a mother or mother figure will guide you to safety into the new Baktun.  Besides, mothers will still love you even if you have to kill an uncooperative member of your posse.