“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”
Joey Adams
“New Year’s resolution: to tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
James Agate
“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on.”
Hal Borland
“‘Out with the old, in with the new’ is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.”
Andy Borowitz
“Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less new year and leave it at that.”
Judith Christ
“I would say, ‘Happy New Year,’ but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.”
Robert Clark
“If you want an interesting party, combine cocktails and a fresh box of crayons for everyone.”
Robert Fulghum
“He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool.”
Farquhar McGillivray Knowles
“I made no resolutions for the new year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.”
Anaïs Nin
“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.”
P.J. O’Rourke
“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.”
Brad Paisley
“Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.”
William Shakespeare
“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”
William Thomas
“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”
Mark Twain
“My New Year’s resolution list usually starts with the desire to lose between 10 and 3,000 pounds.”
Nia Vardalos
“Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.”
Bill Vaughan
“Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.”
Barbara Walters
“This New Year’s, I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2.”
Melanie White
“Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”
Oscar Wilde
“Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.”
Eric Zorn
Chief Writing Wolf 