Monthly Archives: August 2019

Now Ear This!

The one curious thing about friendships is that you never know where they’re going to go.  Really good friends will understand and maybe even empathize with your mood swings.  Of course, that term – “really good” – is always subjective.

Several years ago I got into a heated argument with a so-called friend.  I can’t remember what it was about, but I so mad I wanted to rip his ears off and stick them up his ass, just so he could hear me beat the shit out of him!

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Screaming Match

Curators at the High Museum of Art in Atlanta, Georgia have developed a new app called “Heartmatch” where visitors can learn what historical painting best represents them.  I thought, what the hell; it looks like good fun.  So, I tried it and got this:

Now I know why I didn’t get my first computer until May of 2000 and my first cell phone until October of 2001.  BECAUSE ME AND TECHNOLOGY NEVER HAVE BEEN SYMBIOTIC!

I guess I’ll just resort to finding my “heart match” the old-fashioned way: bars, truck stops and porn videos.

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Worst Quote of the Week – August 16, 2019

“What if we went back through all the family trees and just pulled those people out that were products of rape and incest?  Would there be any population of the world left if we did that?  Considering all the wars and all the rapes and pillages taken place and whatever happened to culture after society?  I know I can’t certify that I’m not a part of a product of that.”

U.S. Congressman Steve King at the Westside Conservative Club in Urbandale, Iowa, on August 14; defending his position of not allowing exceptions for rape and incest in anti-abortion legislation he tried to pass in Congress.

This is what happens when people attend a family reunion to meet their ideal mate.

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Best Quote of the Week – August 16, 2019

“We’re open for business, not for sale.”

– Ane Lone Bagger, Foreign Minister of Greenland, in a terse, but well-worded response to Pseudo-President Donald Trump’s suggestion the U.S. purchase the Danish island territory.

Image courtesy Astalor/Getty Images – Rodebay, Greenland.

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Stiff Competition

Another candidate for the Darwin Awards has surfaced in Berlin.  Danny Polaris thought he’d make a recent night out one he wouldn’t forget.  So took a Viagra and, after an evening of partying, went home with a nurse he met out at some club (I suspect).  There, his new “friend” decided to up the excitement and inject Danny’s penis with some kind of still-unknown “stimulant”.  Polaris says he felt fine – until a few days later when he realized he’d developed a painful condition called priapism.  This is one of the unspoken medical anomalies that urologists and the Roman Catholic Church have warned men about for years.

As of August 11, Polaris is still in the hospital, still applying ice packs to his genitalia, reading the Bible, listening to tapes of old women talking about the “not so fresh feeling” and avoiding the Cartoon Network.  No relief appears in sight.  He seems to have no shame in going public with his ordeal and has even detailed his trauma on Instagram.  Friends have also set up a page on the Go Fund Me network to help pay for his treatment and rehabilitation.  I really don’t want to know what “rehabilitation” would mean in this case.

All I can say now is just don’t ask him what’s up!

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We Are Lesion!

I had a doctor’s appointment the first of August to have some blood drawn for various tests, such as if I’m still alive and if the back pain I’ve been experiencing for more than 30 years is actually my parasitic twin wanting out of my ass.  I asked him about what I thought was a mole on my upper back.  Turns out it was a wart!  In fact, I had 2 of them!  I told him he could just snip them off and plaster a bandage over them, but he selected to freeze them off.  Either way, sometimes I love it, when it hurts!

I know my body and mind have been trying to break free and lead lives of their own.  And, like luggage and herpes, I’m just stuck with the fuckers forever.  But I was totally surprised this time.  Warts?!  Last time I had warts, at least dinner and drinks came first!

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Booth Blooms

Well, at long last, someone has found a good use for old phone booths*. Botanical designer Lewis Miller ambushed the streets of New York City recently to adorn an otherwise ordinary corner in swaths of floral color and energy.  A few years ago Miller transformed the notoriously banal empty garbage cans into vases of sumptuous flowers.  In this most recent endeavor to make a gritty urban area appear palatable – a project he dubs “Flower Flash” – Miller and his crew filled a Manhattan telephone booth with a plethora of flowers and greenery.

“What initially began as a Lewis Miller design experiment to reinvigorate and reconnect us to our craft, turned into a beautiful shared experience in a city of millions,” the group stated.  The “reactions to our flower flashes emphasizes the basic goodness in all people and prioritizes compassion”.

The results are more than a little impressive, and I feel we need more of Lewis Miller’s works in our increasingly crowded and convoluted world.

*To the under-30 crowd, phone booths are tall glass structures where people would have to make phone calls if they weren’t at home, at work or in jail.  You’d put a quarter into a little slot towards the bottom of the actual phone; wipe the receiver as best you could so you wouldn’t catch germs like herpes or gingivitis; and press little buttons on said phone to make the call.

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