Tag Archives: Jimmy Fallon

Merry Christmas 2021!

“Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.”

Gary Allan

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

Maya Angelou

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah‘ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”

Dave Barry

“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”

Milton Berle

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”

Andy Borowitz

“The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

George Carlin

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on Earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.”

Wendy Cope

“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.”

Jimmy Fallon

“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

Garrison Keillor

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”

Bob Philips

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Happy Valentine’s Day 2021!

“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”

Pearl Bailey

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

Ambrose Bierce

“Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.”

Lewis Black

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.”

George Burns

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.”

Carroll Bryant

“A girl can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.”

Cher

“An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”

Agatha Christie

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

Joan Crawford

“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

Phyllis Diller

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”

Albert Einstein

“I married for love, but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”

Cameron Esposito

“Oh, here’s an idea: Let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day.  That’s not weird at all.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell

“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be … well, January.”

Jim Gaffigan

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”

Richard Jeni

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.”

Natasha Leggero

“You are never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.”

Mike Primavera

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

Rita Rudner

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

Charles M. Schulz

“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”

Pauline Thomason

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”

Lily Tomlin

“Love thy neighbor – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.”

Mae West

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

Henny Youngman

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