You know the adage – it’s not the gift; it’s the thought that counts? Or some poetic shit like that. Anyway, I still feel the best gifts are cash, food or alcohol. Yet some people don’t think normally and go off the rails when choosing gifts. I’m one of those who don’t think normally – as my loyal followers well know – but at least I’m practical when it comes to gifts.
Still, here are a few things the Chief definitely does not want or need for Christmas. Of course, I truly appreciate that thought, but again, cash or wine are better, along with a back massage and maybe even a good old fashioned obscene phone call. Surprise me!
As always, I thank you for your ongoing support.
Snoop Dogg “From Crook to Cook”
For marijuana aficionados who want to expand their culinary horizons.
Oregon Trail Handheld Game
If you know anything about the “Oregon Trail” calamity, this could be the perfect gift for the burgeoning psychopath in your family.
Lerturdy Toilet Game Mini Golf
Anyone who spends this much time in the bathroom doesn’t need a golf set; they need a visit to a gastroenterologist.
Mollie Thomas Teeny-Tiny Trampoline
This actually might be good for us heavy-duty desk jockeys, but I just masturbate to relieve digital tension.
Vacation x Prince Ball Boy Scented Candle
In case you want that luscious smell of a sweaty man permeating the room.
CVS Receipt Scarf
Those of us here in the U.S. know how many trees are sacrificed each year for the sake of getting coupons you’ll never use.
Banorah
So the Jewish people in your life won’t feel ignored at Christmas, this banana-shaped menorah might brighten their days.
Joe Ryan Designs Excel Mug
I spend my week days scrolling through plenty of Excel spreadsheets!
RxGrins Knowitall! Gift Box or Bottle
Funwares Porta Potty Shot Glasses
These are perfect for Kahlua and amoretto.
Wine Condom Stoppers
Get your minds out of the gutter! They’re stoppers for half-finished bottles of wine.
Han Shan Unisex Fish Slippers
In case you don’t want to look too sexy taking out the trash late at night.
LYWUU Dachshund Shaped Silicone Ice Cube Molds
“I Pooped” Bathroom Guest Book
Where was this during the COVID pandemic?!
Archie McPhee Emergency Underpants
You never know when you might need fresh underwear as shit goes down.
Accoutrements Bacon Strips Bandages
For those who’d prefer that chic pork look over their scabs.
WHAT DO YOU MEME? Menstruation Crustacean
Any man who gives this gift to the women in his life, must ensure his affairs are in order first.
KUHPLOVE Animal Backside Fridge Magnets
This might help some folks think of their coworkers before heading out to work in the morning.
Possum Flavored Candy Canes
I’ve eaten enough fast food in my life, so I don’t need any roadkill cuisine.
Uranus Soap
Self-explanatory.
On the other hand, here are some gifts the Chief would actually like!
Wine Glass and Wine Socks Set
Moonlight Makers Funny Dish Towel
Chief Writing Wolf 