Tag Archives: Montana

COVID-19 Safe Distance Measures by State

Both the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institutes of Health have recommended individuals remain at least 6 feet (1.8 meters) from one another to help prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus.  The minimum distance is based on the average trajectory of nasal droplets once expelled from the nose, mouth, or whatever infected orifice a person might have.  (If this person can expel nasal droplets from more openings than their mouth and nose, I suggest they be put to death.  They will be a danger to humanity, no matter what contagion is in the air.)

This “social distancing” has caused some consternation among many people.  For introverts, however, it’s called life as we know it.  But, in order to help people understand exactly what the 6-foot minimum is, each state has comprised analogies for their particular citizenry.

Alabama – 2 outhouses

Alaska – 12 salmon or 2 Alaskan King Crab

Arizona – 5 Native American bead necklaces or a blueprint for Donald Trump’s “Wall”

Arkansas – 5 lists of the state’s 3 family trees

California – 1 surfboard or a chest of old Kim Kardashian press-on fingernails

Colorado – 1 miniature horse

Connecticut – 25 recordings of Donald Trump trying to pronounce Connecticut

Delaware – 6 bags of used Joe Biden hair pieces

Florida – 1 adult alligator or 4 motorized wheelchairs

Georgia – 10 DVD sets of “Gone with the Wind”

Hawaii – 5 floral lei wreaths or 1 lost mainland tourist

Idaho – 1 “No Californians Allowed” sign

Illinois – 5 Chicago pizzas (or 10 boxes of .32 caliber bullets if you’re actually in Chicago)

Indiana – 10 lists of the top 10 names indigenous peoples had, before some drunk White people arrived and screwed up everything

Iowa – 10 late-model voting machines

Kansas – 3 sheaths of whole-grain wheat

Kentucky – 5 cases of moonshine

Louisiana – 10 Mardi Grass beads (preferably neon) or 5 indictments of state governors

Maine – 1 lobster (unboiled)

Maryland – 10-15 bricks from a now-dismantled wall built around Washington, D.C.

Massachusetts – 5 cases of Irish whiskey

Michigan – 10 cases of German beer or 1 illegal Canadian immigrant (in Detroit, use anything that’s bullet-proof)

Minnesota – 5 maps of the 10,000+ lakes in the state (complete with detailed explanations why no one has made a concerted attempt to count the exact number)

Mississippi – 50 audio recordings of school children trying spell Mississippi

Missouri – 50 video recordings of school children misspelling Mississippi as Missouri

Montana – 3 taxidermy moose heads

Nebraska – 1 bovine calf or a University of Nebraska cheerleader (whichever is closest and not sleeping at the moment)

Nevada – 500 poker chips or 1 topless showgirl

New Hampshire – 1 10’x 6’ slab of granite or 5 “We Are NOT Vermont!” signs

New México – 1 saguaro cactus frond (unshaven)

New York – 1 life-size inflatable Donald Trump doll, 5 yamakas, or 10 Brooklyn-made calzones

North Carolina – 5 vintage “Missing: Roanoke – Have You Seen Us?” flyers

North Dakota – 25 copies of “Why God Created North Dakota (Because Minnesota Was Too Cold)”

Ohio – 30 unpublished “Best Reasons to Visit Cleveland” pamphlets

Oklahoma – 15 editions of the latest Indian casino directory (also still accepting donations for the “Back to Europe” movement)

Oregon – Any still-living Grateful Dead fan

Pennsylvania – 25 king-size Hershey bars

Rhode Island – Rhode Island

South Carolina – 10 editions of “25 Reasons We Keep Fighting the Civil War and Still Haven’t Won”, © 1964

South Dakota – 3 cases of malt liquor beer or 1 “White People Don’t Let the Sun Set on You!” sign

Tennessee – 1 statue of Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, or Tammy Wynette

Texas – 1 rifle and a bottle of tequila (preferably José Cuervo)

Utah – 10 Mormon bibles or 25 unused “Romney 2012” posters

Vermont – 10 “Sanders 2020” banners (previously 5 cases of maple syrup) or 5 “We Are NOT New Hampshire!” signs

Virginia – 5 replicas of Cutty Sark clipper ships or 10 bottles of Cutty Sark whiskey

Washington – 5 buckets of rainwater or 200 bongs

West Virginia – 25 “There Is NO East Virginia” bumper stickers

Wisconsin – 5 crates of Gouda cheese

Wyoming – 1 life-size replica of a buffalo (NO live buffaloes permitted, as they’ll kick your ass)

“Don’t move any closer, bitch!”

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Worst Quote of the Week – February 7, 2020

“So actually in the Constitution of the United States (if) they are found guilty of being a socialist member you either go to prison or are shot.”

Rodney Garcia, a Republican legislator from the state of Montana.

Garcia made the comment after a speech by former Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, who was Montana’s representative in the U.S. House for two years.  Garcia said he was concerned about socialists “entering our government” and socialists “everywhere” in Billings, before saying the Constitution says to either shoot socialists or put them in jail.  The Montana Republican Party has condemned Garcia’s remarks.

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Yellowstone Bison Shipped to Fort Peck

In this March 17, 2011, file photo, a free bison roams around the outside of a pen enclosing bison in Gardiner, MT, in Yellowstone National Park. AP Photo/Janie Osborne, File.

Sixty-three bison from Yellowstone National Park were shipped almost 500 miles northeast to Montana’s Fort Peck Indian Reservation; part of a long-planned relocation initiative meant to repopulate parts of the West with the iconic animals.  A crowd of elated tribal members greeted the bison, as they arrived Monday night.  There had been 64 animals, but a yearling died during the trip, which had been anticipated for months, but came without any formal announcement.  State and tribal officials wanted to avoid a courtroom battle with opponents worried that the bison will compete with cattle for grazing space. 

Helena attorney Cory Swanson, who represents several landowners and farmers, said the unannounced Monday night move was a “sneak attack.”  Swanson said he would return to court with a request that the animals be ordered back to Yellowstone. 

But, Fort Peck Chairman Floyd Azure says the state of Montana no longer has jurisdiction over the animals, since they’re now on federally-protected tribal land.  “Now that they’re here, they’re here to stay,” he emphasized. 

The Assiniboine and Sioux tribes of Fort Peck declare that the relocation offers a chance for them to revive their ancient connection to an animal that once numbered in the millions in North America and provided food and clothing for indigenous peoples. 

Bison often are confused with buffalo.  They have similar appearances and share some genetic traits.  But, bison are native only to North America, while buffalo are primarily indigenous to Africa and Asia.  There’s a small population of buffalo in Eastern Europe.  Bison once roamed almost all of North America, numbering anywhere from 20 – 30 million at the time of Europeans’ arrival.  By 1900, they’d been driven nearly to extinction.  But, conservation efforts throughout the 20th century saw their numbers increase dramatically. 

Surely some people have wondered why Indigenous Americans used bison only for food and not as draft animals.  Don’t think some didn’t try over the centuries!  Bison are notoriously ferocious and, despite poor eyesight, somewhat aggressive and very stubborn.  Saddling one up and attaching it to a cart isn’t just impractical; it’s impossible.  Because of the bison’s majestic appearance and tenacious nature, most Indigenous American communities revered it as sacred.  Yes, they used its flesh for food and hide for clothing, but in that process, it was a circle of life.  Unlike their European counterparts, Native Americans didn’t hunt for sport. 

The relocation issue, however, isn’t over quite yet.  Some Montana lawmakers and local landowners have vowed to fight it. 

“They just seem to think they are above the law,” said State Sen. Rick Ripley, a Wolf Creek Republican, about Fort Peck.  “They’re going to have a lot of problems with damage to private property that they could have addressed prior to translocation.” 

But, Fort Peck residents remain steadfast.  “This has deep spiritual meaning for us,” said Leland Spotted Bird, a Dakota tribal elder and spiritual leader.  “They are the sole survivors from our ancestors.”

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