Tag Archives: sickness

COVID-19 Safe Distance Measures by State

Both the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institutes of Health have recommended individuals remain at least 6 feet (.3 meters) from one another to help prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus.  The minimum distance is based on the average trajectory of nasal droplets once expelled from the nose, mouth, or whatever infected orifice a person might have.  (If this person can expel nasal droplets from more openings than their mouth and nose, I suggest they be put to death.  They will be a danger to humanity, no matter what contagion is in the air.)

This “social distancing” has caused some consternation among many people.  For introverts, however, it’s called life as we know it.  But, in order to help people understand exactly what the 6-foot minimum is, each state has comprised analogies for their particular citizenry.

Alabama

2 outhouses

Alaska

12 salmon or 2 Alaskan King Crab

Arizona

5 Native American bead necklaces or a blueprint for Donald Trump’s “Wall”

Arkansas

5 lists of the state’s 3 family trees

California

1 surfboard or a chest of old Kim Kardashian press-on fingernails

Colorado

1 miniature horse

Connecticut

25 recordings of Donald Trump trying to pronounce Connecticut

Delaware

6 bags of used Joe Biden hair pieces

Florida

1 adult alligator or 4 motorized wheelchairs

Georgia

10 DVD sets of “Gone with the Wind”

Hawaii

5 floral lei wreaths or 1 lost mainland tourist

Idaho

1 “No Californians Allowed” sign

Illinois

5 Chicago pizzas (or 10 boxes of .32 caliber bullets if you’re actually in Chicago)

Indiana

10 lists of the top 10 names indigenous peoples had, before some drunk White people arrived and screwed up everything

Iowa

10 late-model voting machines

Kansas

3 sheaths of whole-grain wheat

Kentucky

5 cases of moonshine

Louisiana

10 Mardi Grass beads (preferably neon) or 5 indictments of state governors

Maine

1 lobster (unboiled)

Maryland

10-15 bricks from a now-dismantled wall built around Washington, D.C.

Massachusetts

5 cases of Irish whiskey

Michigan

10 cases of German beer or 1 illegal Canadian immigrant (in Detroit, use anything that’s bullet-proof)

Minnesota

5 maps of the 10,000+ lakes in the state (complete with detailed explanations why no one has made a concerted attempt to count the exact number)

Mississippi

50 audio recordings of school children trying spell Mississippi

Missouri

50 video recordings of school children misspelling Mississippi as Missouri

Montana

3 taxidermy moose heads

Nebraska

1 bovine calf or a University of Nebraska cheerleader (whichever is closest and not sleeping at the moment)

Nevada

500 poker chips or 1 topless showgirl

New Hampshire

1 10’x 6’ slab of granite or 5 “We Are NOT Vermont!” signs

New México

1 saguaro cactus frond (unshaven)

New York

1 life-size inflatable Donald Trump doll, 5 yamakas, or 10 Brooklyn-made calzones

North Carolina

5 vintage “Missing: Roanoke – Have You Seen Us?” flyers

North Dakota

25 copies of “Why God Created North Dakota (Because Minnesota Was Too Cold)”

Ohio

30 unpublished “Best Reasons to Visit Cleveland” pamphlets

Oklahoma

15 editions of the latest Indian casino directory (also still accepting donations for the “Back to Europe” movement)

Oregon

Any still-living Grateful Dead fan

Pennsylvania

25 king-size Hershey bars

Rhode Island

Rhode Island

South Carolina

10 editions of “25 Reasons We Keep Fighting the Civil War and Still Haven’t Won”, © 1964

South Dakota

3 cases of malt liquor beer or 1 “White People Don’t Let the Sun Set on You!” sign

Tennessee

1 statue of Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, or Tammy Wynette

Texas

1 rifle and a bottle of tequila (preferably José Cuervo)

Utah

10 Mormon bibles or 25 unused “Romney 2012” posters

Vermont

10 “Sanders 2020” banners (previously 5 cases of maple syrup) or 5 “We Are NOT New Hampshire!” signs

Virginia

5 replicas of Cutty Sark clipper ships or 10 bottles of Cutty Sark whiskey

Washington

5 buckets of rainwater or 200 bongs

West Virginia

25 “There Is NO East Virginia” bumper stickers

Wisconsin

5 crates of Gouda cheese

Wyoming

1 life-size replica of a buffalo (NO live buffaloes permitted, as they’ll kick your ass)

“Don’t move any closer, bitch!”

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Photo of the Week – March 27, 2020

Dr. Anthony Fauci, at a White House press briefing on March 22, reacts to the incorrigible Donald Trump.

“I’ve been telling the president things he doesn’t want to hear,” Fauci declared.  “I have publicly had to say something different with what he states,” explaining that he’s engaged in “risky business” but insisting that Trump is not and has not been “pissed off” at him to date.  “I don’t want to embarrass him,” Fauci added.

Thankfully, Fauci doesn’t have to worry about embarrassing Trump.  The President does a good job of that all by himself.

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Worst Quote of the Week – March 27, 2020

“Am I crazy, or are they crazy? Could I be right, and Harvard and all these CDC guys be wrong? Yeah, because they’re all conventional. They don’t talk about how you can keep yourself from getting sick … Why don’t you just not get it [the coronavirus]? Why don’t you just stay healthy?”

Dr. Steve Hotze, a religious-right activist offering the view of a “medical professional who also has a Christian worldview” about how best to respond to the current COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak.

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Best Quote of the Week – March 27, 2020

“You’ve got to be realistic.  And you’ve got to understand that you don’t make the timeline, the virus makes the timeline.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, on CNN’s “Prime Time”, on suggestions by Donald Trump that businesses return to normal operations by Easter.

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Gang of Imbeciles

Woodall Rodgers Freeway, heading into downtown Dallas, sat nearly empty at 7:26 am on Tuesday, March 24, 2020 – the first morning after Dallas County’s “shelter in place”. This stretch of highway is normally packed with vehicles during morning rush hour. Photo by Lynda M. Gonzalez, Dallas Morning News).

“Greatness in the last analysis is largely bravery – courage in escaping from old ideas and old standards and respectable ways of doing things.”

James Robinson

Crises can make or break a leader.  The 1979-81 Iran Hostage fiasco decimated Jimmy Carter’s final year in office and assuredly caused him to lose his 1980 reelection bid.  The 1995 Oklahoma City Bombing helped secure Bill Clinton’s image as a stalwart president.  The Hurricane Katrina debacle, on the other hand, proved George W. Bush was incompetent and ineffective as Commander-in-Chief.

The current COVID-19 scourge is Donald Trump’s national crisis.  It could be the savior of his presidency; the one element that ensures his place in the pantheon of great world leaders.  Or it could be his death knell; the catastrophic event which will equate him with failure, except his most devoted followers.  As things appear now, it’s turning into the latter.

Yesterday, March 26, Trump signed a roughly USD 2.2 trillion stimulus package unanimously passed by the U.S. Congress.  Because the COVID-19 mess has created a new set of “social distancing” protocols aimed at subverting the virus’ spread, a large number of Americans have suddenly found themselves jobless.  Restaurants, nightclubs, gyms, and tattoo parlors have been forced to shut down.  History will determine if that achieved its intended goals.  But, as of March 26, the number of jobless claims set a record at 3.3 million.  Who would’ve thought an invisible microbe could wreak such havoc?

Amidst this cataclysm, our dear leader, Donald Trump, has openly considered easing restrictions to the practices of social distancing.  Earlier this week, he suggested the U.S. could return to normal by Easter.  “I would love to have the country opened up and just raring to go by Easter,” he said.  That’s akin to the captain of the Titanic shouting, “Pool party!”

It’s almost painful to watch Trump and his band of clueless minions pretend this crisis will obey a presidential command.  Many conservatives tried to explain George W. Bush’s pathetic handling of the Hurricane Katrina fiasco by claiming his adversaries wanted him to stop the storm from terrorizing the Gulf Coast.  I heard a few actually say that aloud!  And I had the pleasure of telling them, ‘No.  The issue was RESPONDING to the hurricane!’  Bush and the Republican Party were quick to declare war on Iraq in 2003.  But, when a REAL threat emerges, they failed miserably.

If anything, the start of the AIDS epidemic in the U.S. some forty years ago proved how dangerous social conservatism can be to a health crisis.  Admittedly, thousands of people didn’t come down with HIV in a matter of days, as with the COVID-19 virus.  But the reality is that national policy should never be based on individual predilections or religious ideology.  Every time people make health-based decisions on their own personal religious beliefs, people die.  Every single time!

But the AIDS epidemic showed that a slow federal response to a health concern can be lethal.  I’m watching the COVID-19 pandemic unfold here in the U.S. in stark realism.  As of March 27, the U.S. has achieved the dubious distinction of the most number of COVID-19 cases in the world.  Meaning we’ve now surpassed China and Italy.  Trump always declared America is #1 – and what do you know?!  The old bastard has finally been proven right!

I really don’t want to see Donald Trump fail in this entire imbroglio.  It’s not good to wish your national leader stumble and falter as a national crisis of any kind grips the nation.  But, thus far, Trump has shown no real leadership, with the exception of the aforementioned stimulus package.

It doesn’t need to be this way for him – or for anyone.  This could be his golden moment to prove he’s an authentic leader, not the failed businessman / tax cheat others claim he really is.  Every country’s leader is forced to confront a national emergency of some kind or another.  It just comes with the territory.  The U.S. presidency, in this case, is not school a crossing guard-type of position.  It requires more fortitude and clarity than most jobs, when in fact, the presidency is not a standard job.  It’s more of a calling – kind of like human rights work, or teaching.

As I view it in this moment of national surrealism, Donald Trump is not listening to the tragic sounds of that call.

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Tweet of the Week – March 20, 2020

“This might be easy for you, Senator, but you’re not a server losing wages, a single mom losing her job to stay home with her kids, or one of 5 million Texans without insurance.  I’m glad you’re ending your long weekend and hope you’ll pass the legislation they need QUICKLY.”

M.J. Hegar, former U.S. Air Force pilot, Afghanistan War veteran, and Texas Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, in response to a tweet by Sen. John Cornyn.

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How the Chief Is Coping with Isolation and Self-Quarantine Amidst a Near-Apocalyptic Meltdown on the Alter of Toilet Paper

I’m all set for…

The End

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