Monthly Archives: February 2012

Survivalist Tip:  Burlap bags are a good means for the minimalist survivor to carry his or her belongings.  They’re sturdy and long-lasting.  You can place them on the back of a mule, on the roof of your vehicle, or a shopping cart.  (Just make sure the apocalypse has hit before you run around outside with a shopping cart; otherwise people will think you’re a homeless bum.)  Burlap sacks are made of densely woven coarse fabric.  Indians used them to carry such valuable as corn, clay pots and the butts of White people who pissed them off.  You, of course, can utilize them in the same fashion.  Large and stretchable, all of your survival gear can be stuffed into a burlap bag: food rations, bottles of water, firearms, flashlights and dandruff shampoo.  They’ll be extremely valuable if you have to evacuate your home amidst the chaos and flee into the woods or a relative’s house.  And, once things settle down, you can use them to bury the bodies of those you killed when they threatened to steal your shampoo.

Survivalist Tip:  Your arsenal of supplies should include some hurricane lamps.  Hurricane lamps got their name from the fact that Isaac Klein, a meteorologist, tried to warn the residents of Galveston Island, Texas that a hurricane was approaching by riding through town the night before shouting, “The waves are coming!  The waves are coming!”  It was a reference to the fact that massive tidal surges were already inundating the island’s seashores, which he saw firsthand, when he apparently decided to hunt for clams.  No one believed him, in part, because it was a Friday night, but also because he kept screaming about the waves, instead of the storm itself.  If he’d shouted, “The storm is coming!  The storm is coming!” instead, the reaction would have been different. But, since he was a meteorologist, he couldn’t think in practical terms.  Fortunately, though, most of the island’s residents had plenty of wrought-iron lamps, as they’d just converted to electricity.  Hence the name: “hurricane lamp.”  They’re not just for patio decoration!  Those lamps definitely proved a lifesaver for many of the Galvestonians; helping everyone search for food, clean water and valuables in the pockets of dead people.  In the aftermath of the apocalypse, electricity may be out, so you’ll need some source of light.  Therefore, the appropriately named hurricane lantern will be a critical asset.  There’s actually a valid connection here.  Hurricane is derived from the Taino Indian word “Huracán,” which basically means “menopausal woman needs chocolate.”  Huracán is the Taino Indian goddess of wind, and since the Tainos are related to the Maya on their mother’s younger cousin’s side, it all fits into the grand scheme of things.   So, get some hurricane lanterns and don’t piss off any menopausal women!