“How come my three year old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?”
Taye Diggs
“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn’t met my daughter yet).”
Dax Shepard
“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”
Tim Russert
“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
Charles Wadsworth
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
Mark Twain
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
Rita Rudner
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
Jon Stewart
“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.”
Jim Gaffigan
“It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.”
Seth Meyers
“On our 6 am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.”
Ryan Reynolds
“Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
Ray Romano
“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.”
Bob Odenkirk
“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”
Steve Martin
“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I’ve come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.”
Brad Pitt
“The only way I can describe [fatherhood] – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas,’ you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; it’s just full all the time.”
Matt Damon
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”
Dave Attell
“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’”
Jerry Lewis
“Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
Ed Asner
Chief Writing Wolf 