Tag Archives: men

Stuck

Why can’t I move?  I just can’t move!  It’s like I’m glued to this bed.  With the VCR playing.  VCR?  And a porn video.  Really?  At this time of…what time is it?

I have no idea what’s going on.  Why am can’t I move?  What stupid video is playing?  On a VCR?!  I didn’t know I had a TV in my bedroom.  Why the fuck can’t I move?!

And – oh, what the hell!  There’s a naked man standing over there!  Who the – ?!  Who is he?!  Who are you?!  Standing here in my bedroom!  Butt-ass naked!  What the – ?!

At some other time, that would be a fantasy come to life.  O the start of some cheesy porn film.  Speaking of porn…what the hell is going on here?!

What’s happening?!
I can’t believe this!

I can’t move!

I’m stuck here in my own bed!  What the fuck is that all about?!  Why can’t I move?!

I mean…

That’s utterly terrifying.

Imagine that.

You’re in your own bed – and you can’t fucking move!

What else could go wrong?

I have enough shit in my life.

Now this!

I can’t move!

In my own bed!

I’m thirsty.

Great.  I’m thirsty, while laying down, and I can’t get up.  What else can go wrong?

It’s hot in here.

Thirsty and warm.

And stuck in my own bed.

A porn movie playing – on a VCR.

Naked man standing against the wall.

He’s not even looking at me.  Come on, dude!  You’re in my bedroom – sans clothes – and you don’t have the decency to look at me?!

How rude!
I can’t move!

Why can’t I move?

What is going on here?

I’m struggling…squirming…practically bouncing up and down in my own bed.

Trying to get up.

To move.

What’s going on?

Why do I feel paralyzed?

In my own bed.

What an awful feeling.

How is there a TV in my bedroom?

I didn’t move a TV in my bedroom.

With a VCR player.

A VCR!

Aha!

Okay…finally.  I can move.

What the – ?

Okay, I can move.

Wow.

What was that all about?

Okay…fully awake now.

Wow.

My head is hurting.

Okay…what was that all about?

Why did I have that…dream?

I guess.

That’s what it was…right?

A dream.

I don’t know.

I can’t tell.

So weird.

What was that all about?

Why couldn’t I move?

A porn film!

On a VCR!

I don’t have a TV in my bedroom!

What was that?!

Why did that happen?

Why couldn’t I even move?

In my own bed!

What was that all about?

Who was that man?

And why is he still here in my bedroom?

Lying on the floor!

Dead.

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Men Are Dogs

Most straight women will agree with this title.

One of my best friends, Pablo, and I have one of those unique friendships.  I think he’s think; he thinks I’m built like a Greek god.

But, like most men, we consider ourselves dogs.  I do tricks, and he sits up and begs for it.

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A Very Strange and Dangerous Little Man

Cop: Do you have any weapons in the house?

Me: You’re looking at him.

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Happy Father’s Day 2020!

“How come my three year old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?”

Taye Diggs

“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn’t met my daughter yet).”

Dax Shepard

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

Tim Russert

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Charles Wadsworth

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

Rita Rudner

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

Jon Stewart

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.”

Jim Gaffigan

“It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children.  Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about.  And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.”

Seth Meyers

“On our 6 am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning.  I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.”

Ryan Reynolds

“Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

Ray Romano

“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug.  So we know she’s sarcastic.”

Bob Odenkirk

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”

Steve Martin

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I’ve come across at this point in my life.  It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.”

Brad Pitt

“The only way I can describe [fatherhood] – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas,’ you know how his heart grows like five times?  Everything is full; it’s just full all the time.”

Matt Damon

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”

Dave Attell

“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’”

Jerry Lewis

“Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

Ed Asner

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Equalizing

Recently, Virginia became the 38th of the United States to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment.  It’s been a long-fought battle for proponents of dismantling all barriers to women achieving full and complete equality with males.  Earlier this month supporters became ecstatic when both chambers of the Virginia state house approved the amendment.

“We must begin to see a world without discrimination of any kind,” declared Virginia State Senator Mamie Locke.  “Equality based on sex is not just good for women, it is good for society.”

Ratification of the ERA reached a critical flashpoint in the 1970s, as more women entered the workforce and began seeking higher levels of education than at any time in U.S. history.  When Congress submitted the ERA to the states for ratification in 1972, it gave it a March 1979 deadline for 38 states to ratify it.  They didn’t make it.  In 1979, however, the U.S. Congress gave the ERA three more years to get ratified.  Again, it didn’t succeed.  By then, most judicial and legislative experts declared the amendment dead.  Even the U.S. Supreme Court, the only court to review it, acknowledged that.

Proponents remained undeterred.  The slew of legal machinations born of this ongoing effort is astounding, which is understandable.  Our education system often discusses our founding fathers, but – outside of Betsy Ross – says little about our founding mothers.  Yes, men devised and built much of the infrastructure and technology that has helped the United States become a wealthy, powerful nation.  The same is true for most other developed countries.  But women have been at the forefront of change and progress as well.  To deny their impact is essentially telling only half of the story.

Still, ERA critics state the ratification process has been unnecessarily complicated and even unconstitutional.  Others point to the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which includes the term “equal protection of the laws,” and often refers to citizenship matters.  Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg (undoubtedly the most progressive of all the Court’s judges) opined that any attempt to ratify the ERA would mean starting over again.

But, as the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for; you might just get it.  Full gender equality doesn’t just mean equal pay for equal work – which has been the crux of the argument.  It could also mean certain employment standards would have to be adjusted or eliminated.  For example, one could argue that physical fitness requirements for firefighters could be declared illegal based strictly on gender.  Some women may be able to meet those particular goals, while a number of men couldn’t.

A new argument that has arisen is that the ERA will prevent pro-life advocates and groups from protesting abortion, which is generally aimed at women.  It’s a dubious claim at best.  Perhaps some birth control methods could come under greater scrutiny.  Since birth control pills and IUD’s are consumed primarily by women, does that mean they will have to be deregulated and sold over-the-counter like condoms?  Or will condoms become available only by prescription?  That’s a disaster waiting to happen!

I personally want to see how ERA advocates react to women being compelled to abide by Selective Service.  Currently, all able-bodied, able-minded males in the U.S. are required to register for Selective Service within 30 days of their 18th birthday.  There’s no penalty for late registration, but there are a slew for non-registration.  Men who don’t register usually can’t enter college or get financial aid.  In some places, they can’t even graduate from high school, or could have their diploma rescinded.  They can’t obtain federal job training, or get jobs within the federal government.  All men who immigrate to the U.S. before their 26th birthday must register in order to garner full citizenship.  Failure to register is a felonious offense and punishable by up to 5 years in prison and a $250,000 fine.

Selective Service is the most blatant and deliberate form of gender discrimination.  The education penalties alone are violations of Title IX, an act passed by Congress in 1972 and directed towards ending gender imbalances in the education system (mainly college).  Contemporary feminists had argued that all-male schools, for example, are unconstitutional if they receive federal funding.  But, as I see it, Title IX means nothing, since Selective Service permits discrimination against males.

The Selective Service system refers, of course, to a military draft, which has not been in place in the U.S. since 1973.  While it basically means all young men must be available for compulsory military service, it actually means that group is expendable.  When the concept of women serving in combat positions in military conflicts arose, many people expressed horror at the thought of women coming home critically disabled or in body bags – as if we’ve made our peace with men returning in the same conditions.  Selective Service, therefore, makes young males cannon fodder.  Even some disabled men have to register for the draft; that is, if they can leave their dwelling under their own power.  If disabled men have to register, why shouldn’t able-bodied women be required to do the same?

How will the ERA affect family leave policies in the American workplace?  Most health insurance policies require coverage for pregnancy, and most companies allow for X amount of time off to care for a newborn.  But very few companies maintain paternity leave, and I don’t believe any insurance policies plans consider such time a medical issue.  Will pregnancy no longer be considered a unique medical condition, but rather, something chronic like diabetes?

Will the Violence Against Women Act have to be restructured to include men, or will it be eliminated altogether?  First enacted in 1994, the VAWA seeks to improve criminal justice and community responses to domestic violence, dating violence, sexual assault and stalking in the United States.  In effect, it’s also a highly sexist piece of legislation because it assumes either that only adult females are the victims of violence or that adult females are the only victims of violence who matter.  The law has been amended in recent years to include lesbian and transgender women – as if men, again, aren’t worth the trouble or should just be left to fend for themselves with laws and processes that don’t really help.

Currently in the U.S. vehicle insurance rates are slanted against males.  Most companies will lower insurance rates for females when they reach the age of 21, but only for males when they reach 25.  Men can earn lower insurance rates if they marry or have children.  Years ago women often couldn’t enter into a contractual agreement without a man as cosigner.  That’s now illegal, but will the ERA render the insurance rates’ gender disparities invalid?

Aside from forcing women into the military alongside men, one bloodcurdling fear among social conservatives is that the ERA will compel society to establish unisex public lavatories.  Early opponents seemed to focus on this in particular.  If that happens, will locker rooms fall to gender equality next?  Will doctors be forbidden from letting prospective parents know the gender of their baby after a sonogram?

As a writer, I wonder what the ERA might do to language.  It’s more common now to use the term humanity instead of mankind.  Will gender-specific pronouns fall out of favor or – worst – be outlawed?

How will the transgendered be impacted by the ERA?  Growing up there were only two genders: female and male.  Now we have such classifications as non-binary and cisgender.  Excuse me?

I know some of these issues seem almost comical, but we really have to think about what gender equality means.  I fully believe women are just as capable as men, when it comes to professional matters, such as business and law enforcement.  But men and women each possess qualities that are generally unique to our respective gender.  Neither set of attributes is superior to the other; they’re meant to work in concert with one another.  I’ve always said that, if gender and racial oppression hadn’t been in place for so long, we might have made it to the moon 200 or more years ago.  Telephones, motor vehicles and television could be ancient equipment by now.

But alas, our world hadn’t become that progressive until recently.  Still, aside from restroom signs and military deployments, gender is not always fluid and malleable.

What does gender equality mean to you?

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Oh, That Musky Scent!

Although I consider myself as American as apple pie, baseball and ravioli, I frequently watch foreign television networks; mainly as a matter of desire for knowledge of other cultures, but also in case I need to evade bill collector.  I was channel-surfing the other night and happened upon Univision where I saw a commercial a Mexican cologne for men – “Chorizo Splash.”

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Happy Father’s Day 2016!

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“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman.  Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

 

“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
Four-year-old: Why?” – James Breakwell

 

“He has always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch.” – Chelsea Clinton

 

“Me and my dad used to play tag.  He’d drive.” – Rodney Dangerfield

 

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” – Jim Gaffigan

 

“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Anne Geddes

 

“I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” – Elton John

 

“I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.” – Louis C.K.

 

“Men should always change diapers.  It’s a very rewarding experience.  It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin

 

“I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know – as far as they are concerned anyway – ‘cause I’m Dad.  I mean dads just aren’t cool – especially when I dance!  They don’t want me to dance.” – Tim McGraw

 

“Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” – Mike Myers

 

“Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

 

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” – Tim Russert

 

“My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” – Connie Schultz

 

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

 

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

 

“I’ve had some amazing people in my life. Look at my father – he came from a small fishing village of five hundred people and at six foot four with giant ears and a kind of very odd expression, thought he could be a movie star. So go figure, you know?” – Kiefer Sutherland

 

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” – Harry S. Truman

 

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

 

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

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Happy Father’s Day 2014!

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“Only a dad with a tired face,

Coming home from the daily race,

Bringing little of gold or fame,

To show how well he has played the game.

 

But glad in his heart that his own rejoice,

To see him come and to hear his voice.

Only a dad with a brood of four,

One of ten million men or more.

 

Plodding along in the daily strife,

Bearing the whips and the scorns of life,

With never a whimper of pain or hate,

For the sake of those who at home await.

 

Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,

Merely one of the surging crowd,

Toiling, striving from day to day,

Facing whatever may come his way.

 

Silent whenever the harsh condemn,

And bearing it all of the love of them.

Only a dad but he gives his all,

To smooth the way for his children small.

 

Doing with courage stern and grim,

The deeds that his father did for him.

This is the line for him I pen:

Only a dad, but the best of men.”

 

“Only a Dad” – Edgar A. Guest

Father’s Day.

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