Tag Archives: parenting

Happy Father’s Day 2020!

“How come my three year old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?”

Taye Diggs

“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ (I hadn’t met my daughter yet).”

Dax Shepard

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

Tim Russert

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”

Charles Wadsworth

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.  But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”

Jerry Seinfeld

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

Rita Rudner

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

Jon Stewart

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.”

Jim Gaffigan

“It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children.  Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about.  And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.”

Seth Meyers

“On our 6 am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning.  I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.”

Ryan Reynolds

“Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

Ray Romano

“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug.  So we know she’s sarcastic.”

Bob Odenkirk

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”

Steve Martin

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”

Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I’ve come across at this point in my life.  It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.”

Brad Pitt

“The only way I can describe [fatherhood] – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas,’ you know how his heart grows like five times?  Everything is full; it’s just full all the time.”

Matt Damon

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”

Dave Attell

“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’”

Jerry Lewis

“Raising a kid is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

Ed Asner

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Happy Father’s Day 2016!

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“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman.  Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

 

“Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.
Four-year-old: Why?” – James Breakwell

 

“He has always provided me a safe place to land and a hard place from which to launch.” – Chelsea Clinton

 

“Me and my dad used to play tag.  He’d drive.” – Rodney Dangerfield

 

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” – Jim Gaffigan

 

“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” – Anne Geddes

 

“I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” – Elton John

 

“I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.” – Louis C.K.

 

“Men should always change diapers.  It’s a very rewarding experience.  It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” – Chris Martin

 

“I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know – as far as they are concerned anyway – ‘cause I’m Dad.  I mean dads just aren’t cool – especially when I dance!  They don’t want me to dance.” – Tim McGraw

 

“Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” – Mike Myers

 

“Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano

 

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” – Tim Russert

 

“My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” – Connie Schultz

 

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

 

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

 

“I’ve had some amazing people in my life. Look at my father – he came from a small fishing village of five hundred people and at six foot four with giant ears and a kind of very odd expression, thought he could be a movie star. So go figure, you know?” – Kiefer Sutherland

 

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” – Harry S. Truman

 

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

 

“Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

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Happy Mother’s Day 2016!

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“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

Milton Berle

“Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we’ve ever met.”

Marguerite Duras

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality.  It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

Erma Bombeck

“Mother – that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.”

Thomas Dewitt Talmage

“My mother had a good deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

Mark Twain

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

Phyllis Diller

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”

Buddy Hackett

“Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.”

Dave Barry

“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’.”

Susan Savannah

“A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.”

Peter De Vries

 

Image courtesy: Love Statues

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