Both the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institutes of Health have recommended individuals remain at least 6 feet (1.8 meters) from one another to help prevent the spread of the COVID-19 virus. The minimum distance is based on the average trajectory of nasal droplets once expelled from the nose, mouth, or whatever infected orifice a person might have. (If this person can expel nasal droplets from more openings than their mouth and nose, I suggest they be put to death. They will be a danger to humanity, no matter what contagion is in the air.)
This “social distancing” has caused some consternation among many people. For introverts, however, it’s called life as we know it. But, in order to help people understand exactly what the 6-foot minimum is, each state has comprised analogies for their particular citizenry.
Alabama – 2 outhouses
Alaska – 12 salmon or 2 Alaskan King Crab
Arizona – 5 Native American bead necklaces or a blueprint for Donald Trump’s “Wall”
Arkansas – 5 lists of the state’s 3 family trees
California – 1 surfboard or a chest of old Kim Kardashian press-on fingernails
Colorado – 1 miniature horse
Connecticut – 25 recordings of Donald Trump trying to pronounce Connecticut
Delaware – 6 bags of used Joe Biden hair pieces
Florida – 1 adult alligator or 4 motorized wheelchairs
Georgia – 10 DVD sets of “Gone with the Wind”
Hawaii – 5 floral lei wreaths or 1 lost mainland tourist
Idaho – 1 “No Californians Allowed” sign
Illinois – 5 Chicago pizzas (or 10 boxes of .32 caliber bullets if you’re actually in Chicago)
Indiana – 10 lists of the top 10 names indigenous peoples had, before some drunk White people arrived and screwed up everything
Iowa – 10 late-model voting machines
Kansas – 3 sheaths of whole-grain wheat
Kentucky – 5 cases of moonshine
Louisiana – 10 Mardi Grass beads (preferably neon) or 5 indictments of state governors
Maine – 1 lobster (unboiled)
Maryland – 10-15 bricks from a now-dismantled wall built around Washington, D.C.
Massachusetts – 5 cases of Irish whiskey
Michigan – 10 cases of German beer or 1 illegal Canadian immigrant (in Detroit, use anything that’s bullet-proof)
Minnesota – 5 maps of the 10,000+ lakes in the state (complete with detailed explanations why no one has made a concerted attempt to count the exact number)
Mississippi – 50 audio recordings of school children trying spell Mississippi
Missouri – 50 video recordings of school children misspelling Mississippi as Missouri
Montana – 3 taxidermy moose heads
Nebraska – 1 bovine calf or a University of Nebraska cheerleader (whichever is closest and not sleeping at the moment)
Nevada – 500 poker chips or 1 topless showgirl
New Hampshire – 1 10’x 6’ slab of granite or 5 “We Are NOT Vermont!” signs
New México – 1 saguaro cactus frond (unshaven)
New York – 1 life-size inflatable Donald Trump doll, 5 yamakas, or 10 Brooklyn-made calzones
North Carolina – 5 vintage “Missing: Roanoke – Have You Seen Us?” flyers
North Dakota – 25 copies of “Why God Created North Dakota (Because Minnesota Was Too Cold)”
Ohio – 30 unpublished “Best Reasons to Visit Cleveland” pamphlets
Oklahoma – 15 editions of the latest Indian casino directory (also still accepting donations for the “Back to Europe” movement)
Oregon – Any still-living Grateful Dead fan
Pennsylvania – 25 king-size Hershey bars
Rhode Island – Rhode Island
South Carolina – 10 editions of “25 Reasons We Keep Fighting the Civil War and Still Haven’t Won”, © 1964
South Dakota – 3 cases of malt liquor beer or 1 “White People Don’t Let the Sun Set on You!” sign
Tennessee – 1 statue of Elvis Presley, Patsy Cline, or Tammy Wynette
Texas – 1 rifle and a bottle of tequila (preferably José Cuervo)
Utah – 10 Mormon bibles or 25 unused “Romney 2012” posters
Vermont – 10 “Sanders 2020” banners (previously 5 cases of maple syrup) or 5 “We Are NOT New Hampshire!” signs
Virginia – 5 replicas of Cutty Sark clipper ships or 10 bottles of Cutty Sark whiskey
Washington – 5 buckets of rainwater or 200 bongs
West Virginia – 25 “There Is NO East Virginia” bumper stickers
Wisconsin – 5 crates of Gouda cheese
Wyoming – 1 life-size replica of a buffalo (NO live buffaloes permitted, as they’ll kick your ass)
“Don’t move any closer, bitch!”
Chief Writing Wolf 