Merry Christmas 2023!

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”

Maya Angelou

“Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday.  That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.”

Samantha Bee

“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”

Milton Berle

“Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.”

Victor Borge

“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”

Andy Borowitz

“The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

George Carlin

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

Phyllis Diller

“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

Craig Ferguson

“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer; we smile a little easier; we cheer a little more.  For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.”

Bill Murray

 “There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.”

Bob Phillips

“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”

Henny Youngman

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In Force

Once again my home state of Texas has proven that it’s run by a pack of extremist right-wing morons.  In the latest attack on individual rights from the gang that claims to cherish personal freedom, State Attorney General Ken Paxton has demanded that a woman named Kate Cox must go through with her current pregnancy – a pregnancy her own doctor has already said could be detrimental to her health.  The fetus already has a confirmed disorder, and proceeding with the pregnancy could render Cox infertile.  More frightening, though, is that it could kill her.  She’s been to a local emergency room more than once over the past several weeks.  Now she’s left the state to have the abortion her doctor recommended.  Her whereabouts remain unknown – and for good reason.

When they first established these medieval abortion laws over a year ago, the self-righteous Paxton and Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared they would prosecute both any woman who had an abortion that didn’t meet their limited approval guidelines and anyone who aided in the procedure.  That means anyone who so much as gave a ride to a woman to an abortion clinic or funded the procedure could be fined imprisoned.  Yes!  I’m not making up this shit!  Someone please remind me what century we’re in right now.

Cox was so desperate she filed an appeal to the Texas State Supreme Court.  But, of course, that all-Republican body denied her request.  Once again, the woman’s life was in danger.  Her doctor said as much!  But these sanctimonious politicians have announced clearly they think they know better.  They fully believe their comprehension of the law transfers to the medical arena.

I honestly feel they’re suffering from perception delusion – a genuine psychological disorder in which an individual believes their perception of the world around them is real and authentic; that they – and only they – understand what’s going on and everyone else is unaware of the truth.  It’s akin to schizophrenia.

Let me put it in the more common vernacular: they’re fucked up.

It’s absolutely appalling these people think they know better about someone’s health and medical condition than that individual’s physician.  Many medical practitioners are already leaving the state of Texas because of the abortion issue.  Not just abortion providers!  Many obstetricians and gynecologists, as well as those in other disciplines, don’t want to take the chance their medical expertise will be questioned and vilified.

Quite frankly, if I had the money, I would have funded both Cox’s voyage out of Texas and her procedure.  I would have even funded her legal defense should the state come after her, as if she was a drug trafficker – which I’m sure they will!

In the 1960s, a group of women calling themselves the “The Jane Collective” established an underground network of abortion providers in the U.S.  Operating much like the “Underground Railroad” of the 19th century, the “Janes” worked with known abortionists throughout the nation to help women in the midst of distressed pregnancies.  In the spring of 1969, I was 5 years old, and my parents introduced me to a young woman named Carla*.  I remember her as a petite, strawberry blonde who told me, at one point, that – if she ever had a little boy – she hoped he’d be like me.  She stayed with us for a couple of days before she inexplicable (to me) disappeared.  We lived in a two-bedroom apartment above a garage behind a house owned by my father’s older sister and her husband.  It was where I grew up, until we moved to suburban Dallas at the end of 1972.  I was about 12 or 13 when I remembered Carla and asked my mother about her.  Who was she and why was she there?  My mother – who never held back the truth – told me everything.  Carla was about 18 and she was pregnant – and she didn’t want her parents to know.  One of my mother’s female colleagues was part of the “Jane” group, and my very progressive mother – a woman who once slapped a Roman Catholic nun who had slapped her younger brother and told a priest she would NOT have a bunch of children per the Church’s directive – agreed to help.  She had to talk my father into it.  Carla stayed with us for a couple of days before she was spirited away.  We never saw her again and never knew what became of her.

Around the turn of the century, when I was in my 30s, I was having lunch with my parents one Sunday afternoon, when the subject of abortion arose.  I brought up Carla again.  This time my father was in the room and substantiated my mother’s recounting of the events that spring so long ago.  They both wondered what had happened to Carla, and so did I.  I can only hope she was able to get her life in order and go on to have the family she might have wanted.

No one has the right to dictate what someone does with their own body and health.  That’s why I’m so opposed to male circumcision, for example, which is a similar issue.  Everyone has the right to the dignity of determining their own fate in life.  Neither politics nor religion should ever interfere with that.

*Name changed.

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Gifts the Chief Doesn’t Want for Christmas

You know the adage – it’s not the gift; it’s the thought that counts?  Or some poetic shit like that.  Anyway, I still feel the best gifts are cash, food or alcohol.  Yet some people don’t think normally and go off the rails when choosing gifts.  I’m one of those who don’t think normally – as my loyal followers well know – but at least I’m practical when it comes to gifts.

Still, here are a few things the Chief definitely does not want or need for Christmas.  Of course, I truly appreciate that thought, but again, cash or wine are better, along with a back massage and maybe even a good old fashioned obscene phone call.  Surprise me!

As always, I thank you for your ongoing support.

Snoop Dogg “From Crook to Cook”

For marijuana aficionados who want to expand their culinary horizons.

Oregon Trail Handheld Game

If you know anything about the “Oregon Trail” calamity, this could be the perfect gift for the burgeoning psychopath in your family.

Lerturdy Toilet Game Mini Golf

Anyone who spends this much time in the bathroom doesn’t need a golf set; they need a visit to a gastroenterologist.

Mollie Thomas Teeny-Tiny Trampoline

This actually might be good for us heavy-duty desk jockeys, but I just masturbate to relieve digital tension.

Vacation x Prince Ball Boy Scented Candle

In case you want that luscious smell of a sweaty man permeating the room.

CVS Receipt Scarf

Those of us here in the U.S. know how many trees are sacrificed each year for the sake of getting coupons you’ll never use.

Banorah

So the Jewish people in your life won’t feel ignored at Christmas, this banana-shaped menorah might brighten their days.

Joe Ryan Designs Excel Mug

I spend my week days scrolling through plenty of Excel spreadsheets!

RxGrins Knowitall! Gift Box or Bottle

Funwares Porta Potty Shot Glasses

These are perfect for Kahlua and amoretto.

Wine Condom Stoppers

Get your minds out of the gutter! They’re stoppers for half-finished bottles of wine.

Han Shan Unisex Fish Slippers

In case you don’t want to look too sexy taking out the trash late at night.

LYWUU Dachshund Shaped Silicone Ice Cube Molds

 “I Pooped” Bathroom Guest Book

Where was this during the COVID pandemic?!

Archie McPhee Emergency Underpants

You never know when you might need fresh underwear as shit goes down.

Accoutrements Bacon Strips Bandages

For those who’d prefer that chic pork look over their scabs.

WHAT DO YOU MEME? Menstruation Crustacean

Any man who gives this gift to the women in his life, must ensure his affairs are in order first.

KUHPLOVE Animal Backside Fridge Magnets

This might help some folks think of their coworkers before heading out to work in the morning.

Possum Flavored Candy Canes

I’ve eaten enough fast food in my life, so I don’t need any roadkill cuisine.

Uranus Soap

Self-explanatory.

On the other hand, here are some gifts the Chief would actually like!

Wine Glass and Wine Socks Set

Moonlight Makers Funny Dish Towel

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December 2023 Literary Calendar

Events in the month of December for writers and readers

Read a New Book Month

Famous December Birthdays

Other December Events

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Happy Thanksgiving 2023!

“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys.  There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami.  Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

Mitch Hedberg

Feeding America

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Moving Forward

Today marks 60 years since one of the most fateful days of the 20th century – the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.  I wanted to republish this essay from a decade ago.  A good deal has changed – for me and this nation – in the decade since I first posted it.  But one thing remains certain: time always moves forward and our hope for a better world never dies.

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In Memoriam – Rosalynn Carter, 1927-2023

“Do what you can to show you care about other people and you will make our world a better place.”

Rosalynn Carter

The Carter Center

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For Those Who Never Came Home

From fellow blogger Alastair with “A Mixed Bag”.

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Veteran’s Day 2023

“Older men declare war.  But it is youth that must fight and die.”

Herbert Hoover

Veteran’s Day

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I Miss You, My Friend

As my 60th birthday approached last weekend, I thought of an old friend who had a birthday at the end of October.  We haven’t actually spoken in years and last communicated via Facebook.  But I don’t have any contact with him now.

Because of Donald Trump.

Max* was an interesting character.  Born into a large familiar from Eastern Europe, he lived in a number of different places because of his father’s career.  All of that afforded him not just an extraordinary education but an incredible life experience.  He became well-versed in the arts and humanities; a polyglot who could communicate with most anyone.

I admired him on many levels; even envied him.  Just listening to him made me feel smarter.  We discussed a number of issues; seeming to solve all the world’s most vexing problems.

Then Donald Trump entered the fray of politics, and I watched almost helplessly as Max descended into the madness of right-wing extremism.  I tried to remain reasonable; thinking it was something of a phase.  Max couldn’t be this delusional, I told myself; he’s too much of an intellect to be persuaded by this charlatan of a man.

But my thoughts – nearly prayer-like after a while – had no effect.  Max remained a devout Trumpist.  I realized he’d been seduced when he posted a portrait of Francisco Franco, the long-serving Spanish dictator, to his Facebook page.  I’ve often referred to Franco as Western Europe’s last totalitarian ruler; an autocrat who suppressed political dissent and an open media.  Trump reminded me of him – someone who despised his critics and launched vocal tirades against them to state his point.  His contemporaries included Brazil’s Jair Bolsarano and Hungary’s Viktor Orbán.  When Max posted that photo of Franco, I was appalled.  I guess I shouldn’t have been so upset, but it genuinely shocked me.  I quickly pointed out Franco’s dismal record on basic democratic principles and human rights, but a written response on a social media site is almost pointless.  Max had already fallen for the Trump rhetoric and seemed to concur with some of it.  When Trump referred to some African nations as “shithole countries”, for example, Max noted he’d lived in Africa briefly during his youth and could identify with Trump’s description of the region.

“Really, bro?” I replied at one point.

But again – pointless.

How do you persuade someone who’s consumed that proverbial Kool-Aid?  Long answer: education and persuasion.  Short answer: you don’t.  As smart as Max is, I honestly didn’t know what overture would be appropriate.  So…I just let it all go.

I genuinely hate that sensation – ending a friendship because of political opinions.  I’d never had that experience before.  Friends have died or simply faded into their lives, but I’ve never had one dissipate because of politics.

This past Saturday, November 4, another close friend, Preston*, treated me to lunch for my birthday.  As with Max, he and I often engaged in cerebral conversations, which I absolutely love.  I’ve known Preston much longer than I knew Max.  Our exchange migrated to politics and the 2020 election.  Preston is a Trump voter, but he doesn’t appear to be a devout loyalist.  Still, he feels fraud prevailed in the last presidential election.  I feel it prevailed in the 2016 election and highlighted that Trump didn’t win the popular vote.

“I have to respectfully disagree,” he said.

I looked at him and mentioned by former friend Max and what happened with us.  “Dude!” I said.  “I’ve already lost one friend because of political differences!  I’ll be damned if lose another!  Especially you!”

I told Preston I love and respect him too much to let politics drive a wedge between us.  So, we dropped the matter and moved on to other things.

I miss you, my friend Max.  I genuinely miss you and your views on the world and hearing you talk about your life experiences.  But you made the choice to become blinded by the rantings of a pathological madman; you caused this division between us.  I’m certain you’re not exactly upset or mortified – and quite frankly neither am I.

I just hate to see a good friend fade away in the morass of politics.

*Name changed

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