Category Archives: Curiosities

Doctorate in Dumbass

Alleged proof that humans and dinosaurs lived and played together.

Alleged proof that humans and dinosaurs lived and played together.

As if the state of Texas hasn’t embarrassed itself enough by keeping Rick Perry in the governor’s office for nearly 14 years and electing the maniacally right-wing Ted Cruz to a prominent U.S. Senate seat, we now have this gem. The Institution for Creation Research, which has been attempting to educate people about the veracity of the Christian Bible through scientific research since its founding in 1970, is now making an even more concerted effort at validating the Genesis story of “Creation.” Nine Ph.D.-bearing individuals from such esteemed institutions as Harvard University and the Los Alamos National Laboratory assert that Charles Darwin and his theory of evolution are nonsense, with no basis in fact, and that the universe was created by God between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago.

“Our attempt is to demonstrate that the Bible is accurate, not just religiously authoritative,” said Henry Morris III, CEO of ICR, a nonprofit with 49 staff members and an annual budget of roughly $7 million. “The rationale behind it is this: if God really does exist, he shouldn’t be lying to us. And if he’s lying to us right off the bat in the book of Genesis, we’ve got some real problems.”

Yea, if God lies, then you know we’re all in trouble. ICR rightfully notes that most non-religious institutions in the U.S. have taught the theory of evolution for nearly a hundred years now. But, they complain it’s been a lopsided deal; no other theory of how the Earth and its inhabitants came into existence has been presented. The frustration gave birth to a new educational forum: creation science.

ICR argues – among other things – that humans lived among dinosaurs; Noah really did build a massive vessel in advance of a catastrophic global flood; and the Grand Canyon formed in months, not over millions of years.

“Most Christians are like most people,” Morris said. “They don’t want to be thought of as weird. They don’t want to go against the majority.”

ICR highlights discrepancies in scientific proclamations, or conflicts within what they consider to be purely hypothetical statements. For example, Jason Lisle, an astrophysicist and ICR researcher, points to the “spiral winding problem” as proof that galaxies cannot be billions of years old. If stars had been bouncing around for billions of years, he says, they’d look more like CDs than what we see through telescopes, which are hurricane-shaped spirals. Another problem, he believes, lies with oceans. They should be more salty, if they were billions of years old. Finally, there’s the inescapable dinosaur quandary; if dinosaur bones actually were millions of years old, Lisle proclaims, paleontologists wouldn’t be able to recover traces of soft tissue from them.

I personally believe in a “Great Creator,” but that’s just my belief. I have no proof. There is proof of the sun and the moon and radiocarbon dating, which should lay a lot of this nonsense to rest. But, it doesn’t. People will believe whatever they want, and that’s their right. Trying to make a science out of it, however, moves the discussion into another realm.

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Shoot Her! Shoot Her!

Kim Kardashian Back Side View Going in the Car

In case you can’t get enough of rich celebrities engaging in brainless activities, Kim Kardashian has come to your rescue. Hoping to retain the “Queen of Vapid” label from Paris Hilton, Kimbalicious is coming out with a book of selfie photographs. Titled appropriately “Selfish,” the tome will be published by Rizzoli and will contain nearly 2,000 photos Kardashian took of herself in various settings and innumerable states of dress and undress.

“The selfie photography of Kim Kardashian, featuring many never-before-seen personal images from one of the most recognizable and iconic celebrities in the world,” is how Rizzoli describes the book. “Kim has become a true American icon,” Rizzoli continues. “With her curvaceous style, successful reality TV show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, DASH clothing store, makeup and perfume lines, she has acquired a massive fan following in the multi-millions. Through social media (Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook), Kim connects with her fans on a daily basis, sharing details of her life with her selfie photography. Widely regarded as a trailblazer of the “selfie movement” – a modern-day self-portrait of the digital age – Kim has mastered the art of taking flattering and highly personal photos of oneself.”

When I think of Kim Kardashian, the term “art” doesn’t come to mind, any more than the term “worthwhile” does. Aside from being the daughter of famed attorney Robert Kardashian and starring in her own reality TV series, I can’t think of one thing Kimberella has done to benefit society – other than ensuring paparazzi photographers keep getting a paycheck and providing online companionship to untold numbers of lonely computer nerds. But, that’s just me.

The book is due out in April 2015. Civilization, as we know it, is due to collapse by May of 2015.

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God Save the Horses from the All-American Fat Ass!

Joker, a Belgian draft horse, awaits a tour at Sombrero Ranches.  Please pray for him!

Joker, a Belgian draft horse, awaits a tour at Sombrero Ranches. Please pray for him!

First, plumbing companies started manufacturing toilets to support butt cheeks large enough to qualify as the mouths of orca whales. Then, ambulance firms began installing extra-wide stretchers for those extra-wide figures. There are even easy chairs with specially-designed hydraulic lifters to aid the large among us in getting back to an upright position.

Now, as if we haven’t done enough to accommodate the growing and relentless obesity epidemic in the United States, Sombrero Ranches, a conglomeration of horse-riding tour guide companies based in Colorado, is switching to sturdy draft horses to hold up those with extra pounds. In a twisted combination of animal safety and political correctness, want to make certain America’s biggest butts can enjoy the views of the treasured West from atop a horse, just the like the rest of us.

“Even though a person might be overweight, or, you know, heavier than the average American, it’s kind of nice we can provide a situation where they can ride with their family,” says Sombrero Ranches wrangler T. James “Doc” Humphrey.

Thanks, “Doc.”

Ranch operators note they’ve been adding draft horses to their ranks since the 1990s. But, the increased rate of obesity among both American adults and children has compelled various horse-riding entities to consider the welfare of their equestrian employees. Rockin’ HK Outfitters in Montana, for example, removed the 225-pound limit for riding guests last year.

“Little horses just aren’t sturdy enough to hold up in a dude operation in the Rocky Mountains,” Kipp Saile of Rockin’ HK said, noting that about 15 of their 60 horses are Percheron mixes. Their largest equine weighs 1,800 pounds.

Peggy Howell, a spokeswoman for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, calls the ranch’s decision “wonderful,” adding that all businesses should become “size savvy.”

One drawback, though, is that larger horses cost more to maintain. Obviously, they eat and drink more, plus they require heavier doses of medication and larger horseshoes. It’s not surprising ranch owners would pass those costs off to consumers, including those of us who don’t cause the bathroom scale to scream, ‘Oh, Jesus Christ!’

I know some people have weight problems. But, obesity isn’t a weight problem. It’s more of a ‘can’t-wait-to-eat’ problem. If a person is so fat they could break the back of a 1,000-pound horse, then the problem isn’t with the horse; it’s with that lard-ass! Tour the Rocky Mountains on foot, instead, and lose some of those damn pounds. But, don’t torture a helpless animal just because you can’t keep your mouth away from the donuts!

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The Ark Hotel – Saving Humanity from Itself

358506-ark-hotel

In 1972, a movie entitled “Silent Running” arrived in movie theatres.  Bruce Dern portrayed a scientist named Freeman Lowell, the caretaker of a greenhouse affixed to a space station.  It contains the remnants of Earth’s vegetation; a refuge for flora devastated by overpopulation and war.  The film was among a gallery of entrants into the science fiction genre that, in the 1960s, had metamorphosed from alien creatures wreaking havoc upon hapless Earthlings to a frighteningly futuristic world where we are our own worst enemy.  With Earth’s population now at 7 billion, and the planet’s resources being stretched, this is becoming more of a reality.

Against this horrifying backdrop comes the “Ark Hotel,” a joint Russo-Chinese venture designed by the International Union of Architects for a project called Architecture for Disaster Relief.  Looking something like a prehistoric sea creature, or a ‘Slinky’ on steroids, the dome-shaped structure is comprised of wooden arches, steel cables and a self-cleaning plastic layer instead of glass.  It’s adaptable to either land or water usage.  The myriad arches and cables distribute the weight evenly; thus it can stand earthquakes, tsunamis and perhaps rambunctious toddlers.

Daylight filters through the sturdy glass to reduce the need for lighting.  Its solar panels and rainwater collection system provide inhabitants with power and water.  An internal garden provides some semblance of a landscape for guests and / or inhabitants, which in turn, act as a greenhouse.  The same lighting setup might allow for vegetable gardens.

Ark-Hotel2

Regardless, the Ark Hotel is either an extraordinary example of ambitious engineering or more proof that planet Earth is overpopulated.  It seems to be no coincidence that the term “ark” is part of its name.

Ark-Hotel-Futuristic

Ark-Hotel-Summer

Ark-Hotel-Winter

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Looking for a Good Time

If any of you single ladies are looking for love on this Valentine’s Day (or just need to get out of the house), you must have the right approach.  Many moons ago people had to scour the “single’s ads” in various newspapers and periodicals in the hopes of meeting the right person.  Even I’m old enough to remember chuckling at poetic pleas buried in the black ink of unrequited desperation.  Check out some of these lonely hearts from the 1960s and be glad for the Internet – where everyone has a color photo and is now bound by ethical standards to tell the truth.

Desirable beard wants couplings.

Desirable beard wants couplings.

Willing to learn after years of inaction.

Willing to learn after years of inaction.

Home-bound with 1% extra manhood.

Home-bound with 1% extra manhood.

Won’t take “NO” for an answer.

Won’t take “NO” for an answer.

Interstate businessman.

Interstate businessman.

Call only if you have your own phone.

Call only if you have your own phone.

Has horse; will romp.

Has horse; will romp.

 

I’ll also bring my friend, Zodiac.

I’ll also bring my friend, Zodiac.

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Creepy Christmases

What could possibly spoil the joy of taking a photo with Santa Claus?  Well…maybe if Santa looked like a serial killer or a drunken pedophile.  Gaze at these gems from Christmases past and be thankful you had otherwise normal holidays.  If you recognize yourself in any of them, please seek help immediately.  You deserve it!

28

37

46

63

72

82

101

112

122

132

152

161

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The Mysterious Case of the Incredibly Vanishing Trees

Assumption Parish, Louisiana

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Liras for Apples

Apple1-626x352

While the U.S. was giddy with excitement over the Bicentennial celebrations in 1976, a nerdy young man named Steve Jobs was overwhelmed by a more cumbersome element: his homemade computer.  That year Jobs and fellow computer geek, Steve Wozniak, built the Apple 1 – the first computer their fledgling Apple company ever built and one of the first desk-top computers the world had seen.  Looking at the contraption now, it resembles a lie-detector device, or perhaps something used in Iraqi prisons.  No matter though: one of the computers sold at a Christie’s auction earlier this month for $387,750.

Bolaffi, an Italian company that collects just about anything odd and / or vintage, purchased the machine from a retired school psychologist.  Early Apple products have become hot items on the auction circuit since the death of Jobs in October 2011.  In May, an Apple 1 sold at a German auction house for the equivalent of $671,400.  There’s no word yet on whether Bolaffi will try to restore its Apple 1 to its former glory, or just put it on a table beneath a glass case.  In a way, it bothers me that, years from now, school children will ogle at these things – considering when I was in school, we stared in wonder at 2,000-year-old pottery.

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Tingled to Death

MMF

Mixed martial arts fighter Michael Waylon Lowe is suing a Philadelphia sex shop for selling him a lovemaking lubricant that he claims damaged his penis.  The Mood shop declares the Kama Sutra Pleasure Balm Prolonging Gel will prolong a man’s sexual pleasure.  But, according to Lowe, the green gel didn’t exactly leave him with that minty fresh feeling; instead, burning and scarring his genitalia so badly he is now disfigured and dysfunctional.  Lowe is seeking $50,000 in damages in his suit against both the store and the manufacturer, Kama Sutra Inc.

“This is a very private, but very significant loss for a man who is very vital in so many other aspects,” said Lowe’s attorney, Thomas R. Kline.  “This is a man who literally makes his living avoiding injury; he knows how to protect himself.  Yet he wasn’t provided with the most basic, simple instructions to protect himself from this product.  If it could happen to him, it could happen to anyone.”

Marla Lee, president of Kama Sutra Inc., calls the allegations “flabbergasting.”  Lee emphasizes, “This product has been offered for over 40 years without incident of any kind, so it’s a bit confusing that he would have this kind of response to it.  The active ingredient [benzocaine] is quite common.  It’s used in children’s teething products, so it’s probably pretty safe if it’s used for children.”

I never realized a substance that tempers teething pain in toddlers is also used to prevent premature ejaculation.  I mean, where was the FDA during all this?

The 32-year-old Lowe has a 14-4 record in his professional mixed martial arts career with the Ultimate Fighting Championship and other venues.  The lawsuit specifically notes that Lowe suffered “catastrophic and permanent damage,” including penile scarring; loss of sensation and function; nerve and tissue damage; humiliation and embarrassment.  No word on whether it also caused halitosis for his girlfriend.

Lowe should just do what I do: grab a bottle of baby oil and a pack of wine coolers and you’re set for the night.

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Men with Oars

warwick

The men of the University of Warwick Boat Club in Coventry, United Kingdom have decided to display their solidarity with the gay / lesbian community by rowing naked.  They’re trying to draw attention to inequities in health care that GLBT folks often face.  I don’t know how U.K. lesbians feel about a bunch of college boys getting undressed on their behalf, but as always, it’s the thought that counts.

“We are thrilled to be launching the UKs first dedicated fitness space with the Warwick Rowers,” said Dave Viney, manager of the LGBT Health and Wellbeing Centre in Birmingham.  “It’s great to see homophobia in sport and homophobic bullying creatively challenged by a predominantly heterosexual sports team.”

The rowers previously stripped down for a sports calendar to raise funds for charity, so this might be the start of a trend.  When you realize that athletes competed nude in the ancient Olympics, old school might not be a bad thing.

http://vimeo.com/54312887

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